Marty Tousley

As both a bereaved parent and a bereaved daughter herself, Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC has focused her practice on issues of grief, loss and transition for more than 40 years. She joined Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, AZ as a Bereavement Counselor in 1996, and for ten years served as moderator for its innovative online grief support forums. She obtained sole ownership of the Grief Healing Discussion Groups in October, 2013, where she continues to serve as moderator. A frequent contributor to health care journals, newsletters, books and magazines, she is the author of Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Second Edition, The Final Farewell: Preparing for and Mourning the Loss of Your Pet, and Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping. She has written a number of booklets for Hospice of the Valley including Explaining the Funeral /Memorial Service to Your Children and Helping Another in Grief, as well as monthly columns, e-books and online e-mail courses for Self-Healing Expressions, addressing various aspects of grief and loss. With her special interest in grief and the human-animal bond, Marty facilitated a pet loss support group for bereaved animal lovers in Phoenix for 15 years, and now serves as consultant to the Pet Loss Support Group at Hospice of the Valley and to the Ontario Pet Loss Support Group in Ontario, Canada. Her work in pet loss and bereavement has been featured in the pages of Phoenix Magazine, The Arizona Republic, The East Valley Tribune, Arizona Veterinary News, Hospice Horizons, The Forum (ADEC Newsletter), The AAB Newsletter, Dog Fancy Magazine, Cat Fancy Magazine, Woof Magazine and Pet Life Magazine. Marty’s Grief Healing website and blog offer information, comfort and support to anyone who is anticipating or mourning the loss of a loved one, whether a person or a cherished companion animal. She is certified as a Fellow in Thanatology (Death, Dying and Bereavement) by the Association for Death Education and Counseling, as a Distance Credentialed Counselor by the Center for Credentialing and Education, and as a Clinical Specialist in Adult Psychiatric/Mental Health Nursing Practice by the American Nurses Association. Marty and her husband Michael have two grown sons and four grandchildren. They spend their winters in Scottsdale, AZ and Sarasota, FL, and enjoy their summers in Traverse City, MI. Marty welcomes reader questions and comments, and can be contacted at tousleym@aol.com or through her Web sites, at GriefHealing.com, GriefHealingBlog.com, and GriefHealingDiscussionGroups.com.

Articles:

Daughter Feels Little Support for Mother-Loss

Question on Feeling Little Support for Mother-Loss Question: I tearfully happened upon your website by chance this morning. My dearest friend, my mom, died in my arms this past month. I had brought her here to live with me after her colon cancer returned. From the moment of diagnosis, I watched her hurt and endure so much treatment, never giving up, always smiling, always gentle, humble. Since she died, I’ve received very little support from my husband or anyone else. I joined an online grief group, but I do not feel as if I belong there. My friends have faded […]

Bereaved Aunt Asks, ‘Where Do I Fit In?’

Question from a Reader: Two months ago, my 21-year-old nephew, my sister’s only child, was killed in a car accident. I was 19 when he was born. I have feelings of love for him almost as if he were my own son. But I can’t find others like me. I have searched a few online forums, and it seems there isn’t a specific place for me to go. Where do I fit in? Also, I feel so guilty — something similar to “survivor’s guilt.” I wonder how my sister can stand to look at me, at my 20-year-old daughter, at […]

Widow Wonders Whether New Partner is Stuck in Grief

Is My New Partner Stuck in Grief? Question from reader: I am currently dating a widower who feels the need to publish a picture of his ex-wife in the local newspaper twice a year, on her birthday and date of death. He has been doing this for five years. We have been dating for four-and-a half-years. My husband died suddenly of a heart attack just a month after my companion’s wife died following a two-year battle with colon cancer. At this point, I’m not sure how I am tolerating these very public displays of grief. Would you be willing to […]

Death of an Ex-Spouse

Death of an Ex-Spouse Dear Marty: I’m not really sure how to explain how I feel after losing my ex-spouse a month ago—especially since he died the same day that I was having major surgery. Consequently, after the death of my ex-spouse, I’ve had quite a few complications from my surgery. I had to take care of my two teenage boys and their grief the morning after surgery when I got the phone call about their father. The funeral (which was put on by his new young wife) was about the last four years of his life and didn’t talk […]

Widow Fears Sharing Thoughts of Suicide

Widow Fears Sharing Thoughts of Suicide Question from a Reader I know I’ve heard plenty of times that it is normal for ‘grievers’ to feel despondent and wish to be with their spouse who has passed on. But, it doesn’t feel like it’s normal to me because I don’t want to live any more, although I am not going to do anything to harm myself. In fact, I am on a healthy food plan and I am doing whatever it is I need to do to live from one day to the next. I stay in for days at a […]

Tragedy in Orlando, Collective Grief and Aftershocks of Loss

If the tragic events in Orlando yesterday were heavy for you and served as a painful reminder of the personal loss or losses you’ve endured, you are not alone in the sorrow you’re experiencing today. Once again our entire nation finds itself immersed in collective grief. For many Americans the feelings of grief associated with this horrific event seem just as raw as they did when the terrorist attacks happened on September 11, 2001. A newscast or film clip from Orlando can catch us by surprise, acting as a trigger, and it’s as if we’re confronted not only with traumatic […]

In Bereavement, Differences Matter

Ultimately it is [the] identification, validation, and exploration of their pattern of grief or adaptive grieving styles that grieving individuals will find empowering and that will allow them to deal with that loss on their own terms, with their own unique strengths. ~ Kenneth J. Doka, PhD In their book Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn, professors Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin challenge the notion that everyone experiences grief and mourning in exactly the same way, regardless of gender. The authors suggest instead that differing personality patterns will affect how each person individually expresses, experiences and deals with […]

Teen Questions Reaction to Her Parent’s Death

Question from a reader: My dad died a little over two weeks ago. He was not sick. He was caught in an undercurrent and drowned. I did not witness it but I heard the stories and have been there enough to be able to picture it. He was not an amazing dad; he worked a lot to provide for us and that’s how he showed his love. I started school the Monday after it happened (he drowned on Friday and they found his body on Sunday). I am not crying that much. I can still have a good time. I […]

Grief and Sexuality

A reader writes: My mother died recently, and although she was older and it happened rather quickly, still it was the saddest thing I’ve ever experienced. Now, three months later, I’m finding it very difficult to become intimate again with my husband. Even being in close proximity to him is difficult for me. It almost scares me. Especially because I want so desperately to know that my mom is watching over me, but I don’t want her to see me having sex with my husband! Can you give me some direction on this? My response: You say you […]

Teen Mourns the Death of Her Best Friend

Question from a reader: When I was 12 years old, my best friend in the whole world died, one month before her 12th birthday. She was in the swimming pool playing that game—you know, who can hold their breath the longest—she was under but when she came up she inhaled a lot of water. She stood up and went over to the ladder and she was wheezing. She got up to the ladder and fell backwards, but her cousin caught her. They pulled her out of the pool and laid her down and ran for help. Her older sister was […]

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