Marty Tousley

As both a bereaved parent and a bereaved daughter herself, Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC has focused her practice on issues of grief, loss and transition for more than 40 years. She joined Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, AZ as a Bereavement Counselor in 1996, and for ten years served as moderator for its innovative online grief support forums. She obtained sole ownership of the Grief Healing Discussion Groups in October, 2013, where she continues to serve as moderator. A frequent contributor to health care journals, newsletters, books and magazines, she is the author of Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Second Edition, The Final Farewell: Preparing for and Mourning the Loss of Your Pet, and Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping. She has written a number of booklets for Hospice of the Valley including Explaining the Funeral /Memorial Service to Your Children and Helping Another in Grief, as well as monthly columns, e-books and online e-mail courses for Self-Healing Expressions, addressing various aspects of grief and loss. With her special interest in grief and the human-animal bond, Marty facilitated a pet loss support group for bereaved animal lovers in Phoenix for 15 years, and now serves as consultant to the Pet Loss Support Group at Hospice of the Valley and to the Ontario Pet Loss Support Group in Ontario, Canada. Her work in pet loss and bereavement has been featured in the pages of Phoenix Magazine, The Arizona Republic, The East Valley Tribune, Arizona Veterinary News, Hospice Horizons, The Forum (ADEC Newsletter), The AAB Newsletter, Dog Fancy Magazine, Cat Fancy Magazine, Woof Magazine and Pet Life Magazine. Marty’s Grief Healing website and blog offer information, comfort and support to anyone who is anticipating or mourning the loss of a loved one, whether a person or a cherished companion animal. She is certified as a Fellow in Thanatology (Death, Dying and Bereavement) by the Association for Death Education and Counseling, as a Distance Credentialed Counselor by the Center for Credentialing and Education, and as a Clinical Specialist in Adult Psychiatric/Mental Health Nursing Practice by the American Nurses Association. Marty and her husband Michael have two grown sons and four grandchildren. They spend their winters in Scottsdale, AZ and Sarasota, FL, and enjoy their summers in Traverse City, MI. Marty welcomes reader questions and comments, and can be contacted at tousleym@aol.com or through her Web sites, at GriefHealing.com, GriefHealingBlog.com, and GriefHealingDiscussionGroups.com.

Articles:

Transitions: How to Recapture the ‘Drive’

Question from a Reader: How do you bring back the “drive”? The desire to improve one’s self? The desire to learn something new, or to go with your goal? Since my husband died nearly a year ago, I’ve lost this drive and it seems hard to get it back. I still want to achieve some goals, yet I can’t seem to find the focus, the desire to go for them unlike before. My mind is willing to try again, but my body is tired. One minute I feel like I’m going to accomplish something, the next I feel too tired. […]

Did My Cat Go to Heaven?

Question from a reader: I have been grieving the loss of my cat for some time now, and the pain does not go away. I am still very sad and wondering what kind of help you can give me. I keep thinking—did my Mittens go to heaven or not? I had a very tight bond with this cat. I miss her companionship every day and I miss her so much. My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved cat Mittens, and I offer you my deepest sympathy. Having lost my own beloved Tibetan terrier Beringer just […]

Coping with Anxiety in Grief

Question from a reader: I was wondering if anyone else has experienced panic attacks following the death of a loved one? My mom passed away just over a year ago, and I’ve found that since then I have become prone to getting significant anxiety/panic attacks. I’ve always been a bit of an anxious person, but I never experienced any severe attacks until after my mom’s death. These attacks occur intermittently and most often happen while I’m trying to sleep. I’m home from work today because I had one last night, I didn’t get to sleep until around 3-4am, so I […]

Starting a Support Group in a Small Town

Question from a Reader: Do you have any ideas/resources for starting a parent support group? I live in a very small town. We have recently had several of our young people pass away, including my own son who was killed in an auto accident on Mother’s Day of this year. I have no idea how to go about starting something like this nor how to manage it. The closest mental health resources we have are an hour’s drive away. Any suggestions would be welcome. My response: I’m so sorry to learn of the tragic accident that took the life of […]

Is My Widowed Mother ‘Moving On’ Too Soon?

Question from a Reader: My dad died 11 months ago at the age of 55. My mom is 50 and looks a bit younger. I know she’s a young woman and has lots of life left in her but she’s got a boyfriend! I cannot understand how she can do this. I told her to do whatever she wanted as I didn’t want to see her lonely but to have some respect for us as we were still mourning our dad. When I talk to her on the phone all she knows how to say is US, WE, ME, and […]

Grief Support Group Didn’t Help – Now What?

Question from a reader: I feel very comfortable on the online forum I’ve joined and have already received great support from the people there. They encourage and inspire me. I’m learning a lot from those who’ve inhabited this world of grief longer than I have. That’s why it would be good to hear your thoughts on the following issue. The forum helps me, but I feel I need additional counseling. I met individually with a grief counselor from the hospice where my husband died and she encouraged me to come to one of their local support group meetings. I went, […]

Does Widower’s Behavior Indicate Unresolved Grief?

Question from a reader: I am currently dating a widower who feels the need to publish a picture of his ex-wife in the local newspaper twice a year, on her birthday and date of death. He has been doing this for five years. We have been dating for four-and-a half-years. My husband died suddenly of a heart attack just a month after my companion’s wife died following a two-year battle with colon cancer. At this point, I’m not sure how I am tolerating these very public displays of grief. I have been told that such public displays of mourning are indications […]

Supporting a Bereaved Parent, From a Distance

Question from a Reader: My husband and I are dealing with his mother’s grief over losing his father (her husband) this past January. His father passed away in a wonderful hospice in New Mexico. I have visited the online grief support Web site offered by Hospice of the Valley, and although it helps calm my nerves somewhat to see that other widows are experiencing the same acute grief emotions as my mother-in law, we are at a loss for how to help and support her most effectively as she is in New Mexico and we live in Arizona. We are […]

A New Year and the Burden of Guilt

Even if there is no basis in reality for it, we often feel guilty for what we did or didn’t do, said or failed to say, when our loved one was alive. In fact, this feeling of guilt in the aftermath of significant loss is so common as to be universal. Now, the beginning of a new year, is a good time to confront that guilt, understand it, release it, and move forward with good intentions. Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It […]

Coping with ‘Shutdown Spells’ in Grief

Question from a Reader: Since my husband died, I’ve grown used to having mood swings and waking up feeling pretty good one day and deeply depressed the next. I know these are normal grief reactions, and when one of the “rotten” days comes along it helps to tell myself it will pass. But then, even in the middle of a good day, sometimes suddenly the feelings of loss and hurt and abandonment overpower me with a force that’s like a direct hit from a shotgun. And everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t […]

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