Sandra Pesmen

Sandra Pesmen, host of www.widowslist.com, also writes the weekly DR.JOB column syndicated by Career News Service. A member of The Chicago Journalism Hall of Fame and The University of Illinois Media Alumni Hall of Fame, Ms. Pesmen is author of “DR. JOB’s Complete Career Guide,“ and “Writing for the Media: Public Relations and the Press.” A reporter, features writer and editor, this business journalist was features editor of Crain’s Chicago Business from its inception in 1978 to 1990, when she became corporate features editor for its parent, Crain Communications Inc. She also wrote the monthly Executive Woman column in North Shore magazine in suburban Chicago for many years. Previously, she was a reporter and features writer for the Chicago Daily News.

Articles:

Father’s Day: Time to Discard Anger and Guilt

By Sandra Pesmen — If you want to celebrate any holiday, especially Father’s Day, you have to learn to deal with anger and guilt. Whether we widows admit it or not, when our spouse dies, most of us feel guilty because we survived. We fear we may not have been as kind as we could have been all the time. We feel guilty because we didn’t prepare his favorite dinner more often. We feel guilty because we made him see movies (and people) he didn’t like. There are endless “guilts,” says therapist Judy Berg, of Highalnd Park, Ill., who spoke […]

Celebrating Memorial Day – My Way

Around Memorial Day, many people go to the cemetery to spruce up their loved ones’ graves. They want visitors to see that they are nicely cared for. I don’t have to do that because I know I can trust the cemetery in Arlington Heights, IL, where our loved ones rest, to do it for me.But that doesn’t mean I have nothing else to do. I now have established my own Memorial Day ritual. I make a trip around our home, inside and out, following a path my husband used to take each spring. This year I saw a lightbulb outside […]

Take Spring Holiday Flowers to Cemetery

Holidays are always hard for widows. We remember those who are missing, and miss them even more, regardless of how much time has passed. But there are ways to include them in the family celebrations — and then share some of that holiday spirit with them afterward. Always talk about those who are gone during all holiday meals and remember special moments you all enjoyed together during holidays past. Then make good use of those lovely spring flowers that decorate your homes and especially the dining tables during Easter and Passover. Don’t let them wither and die. The […]

Taking Survival Lessons from Wolves — and Jodi Picoult

I’m on my way to the library to return yet another remarkable novel by Jodi Picoult. It’s called “Lone Wolf” and I want to share some words her main character speaks about wolves who die, but that apply to all of us who have had “family upheavals” and soldier on. “There is no grief among wolves. Nature has a wonderful way of making you face reality. You can sit and weep if you want, but you are likely to be killed while you’re lost in your mourning because your let your guard down. “I have seen wolves step over a […]

‘Iron Lady’ Touches Aging Widows’ Hearts

I just returned from seeing Meryl Streep’s remarkable performance as Margaret Thatcher in “Iron Lady,” for which she surely should win an Oscar. But she also should win that Oscar for touching aging widows’ hearts. Like Margaret, many of us went through our husband’s shoes, clothes, and treasures — along with old family photos — and could not bear to take that final step and get rid of them. They were the constant reminders of a beautiful life lived well that is no more. But this powerful film and Streep’s performance in it are not for the faint hearted. In […]

Combatting the Sunday Morning Loneliness

The television is crackling with news about the latest weather catastrophe! All the morning news shows are “round tabling” about the craziness of ALL the candidates!! I’m bursting with comments, remarks, outrage—and there’s no one here for me to share all this emotion with. I can easily feel sorry for myself and go into a lonely funk, but I choose not to. Instead I make a lovely breakfast just for me. I make plans to bake cupcakes later for a sick friend, and I think about what kind of writing I’ll do this afternoon (and if you have other creative talents […]

Visiting a Loved One’s Graves

When I was making lunch plans with a friend last week, she said she couldn’t meet Tuesday because it was her late husband’s birthday and she was going to visit him at his grave. I was touched because she said “visit him at his grave.” I know this is a pilgrimage she makes on their anniversary, her children’s birthdays, and other special family occasions. I also know it brings her enormous comfort because her husband is buried in Shalom Memorial Park in Arlington Heights, IL, where benches are placed strategically throughout the grounds, often beneath trees. The cemetery also provides tasteful holders […]

Tune Out Those Who Don’t Know How to Help

While chatting with a new acquaintance seated beside me at a dinner party, I learned her adult son died one year ago. Knowing what a terrible loss that is, and understanding that most people never recover from it, I said, “I’m so sorry. There is really nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but please know I am very, very sorry for your loss.” She thanked me, then quietly asked when and how my husband died. I told her he died three years ago from Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis, a disease of unknown cause with no treatment or cure. She immediately retorted, “Why didn’t […]

Memoirs May Bring Peace, Hope

My new memoir, Stairway to the Stars: John Tavolta, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers…and Me is off to a fine start, selling nicely with positive reviews as readers dive into the secrets of my career and personal life. But since this memoir brought such peace and closure to me, I hope it’s also going to inspire others who experienced sorrow to try and write their own memories. Ann Bilott, a retired teacher and widow did that. She recently contacted the WidowsList.com to say the adjustment to living alone after such a long time was very difficult for her, and it helped her to begin writing down her thoughts. How fortunate we are that she did, […]

Edwards Children Will Need Adult Help as They Grieve

The death of Elizabeth Edwards this week leaves three children without their mother, including two children ages 12 and 10. What can the Edwards family and friends do to help them through their grief? Research by psychoanalysts at the Chicago Institute for Psychoanalysis on The Effects of Early Parent Deaths showed: The most important thing is to make sure the children have time to grieve, are encouraged to talk about their feelings, and are helped to remember their mom. If that doesn’t happen, the children may wall up emotions and enter an “emotional deep freeze” can keep them from enjoying […]

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