Sandra Pesmen

Sandra Pesmen, host of www.widowslist.com, also writes the weekly DR.JOB column syndicated by Career News Service. A member of The Chicago Journalism Hall of Fame and The University of Illinois Media Alumni Hall of Fame, Ms. Pesmen is author of “DR. JOB’s Complete Career Guide,“ and “Writing for the Media: Public Relations and the Press.” A reporter, features writer and editor, this business journalist was features editor of Crain’s Chicago Business from its inception in 1978 to 1990, when she became corporate features editor for its parent, Crain Communications Inc. She also wrote the monthly Executive Woman column in North Shore magazine in suburban Chicago for many years. Previously, she was a reporter and features writer for the Chicago Daily News.

Articles:

Veterans Day Brings Special Memories

This year Veterans Day, Nov. 11, marks the third anniversary of my husband’s funeral. And as I got ready to hang the flag out front, I recalled the special sensitivity and kindness of my consultant at Shalom Memorial Park and Funeral Home, in Arlington Heights IL. On Nov. 9 that year, as our family was dealing with the details of death, he telephoned. “Did you say your husband was in the United States Marines?” he asked “Indeed he was,” I answered. “Well, since the funeral will be on an American national holiday, I believe the Corps will be happy to come to the cemetery to […]

Woman Misses Husband Who Was ‘Finder’ and ‘Keeper’

I always used to get upset when I lost something. Other people could misplace a key, lose a glove, or forget where they set down their wallet without going nuts. But whenever that happened to me, I went into a panic. I actually felt my blood pressure rise–and who needed that? Fortunately, I was married to a “finder” for 56 years. (Obviously, he also was a “keeper.”) A patient, careful man who always secretly yearned to be a detective, my husband would start at the top of our home and search every corner until he exclaimed with great satisfaction “I’ve […]

Gaining Control of Your Finances After Spouse-Loss

I’m often invited to financial seminar/dinner meetings for seniors, but I didn’t start attending them until I became a widow. That’s when I realized I must understand exactly how much money I have, what’s happening to it, and how I can make sure it lasts as long as I do. One of the best ways to work through the grief of widowhood is to gain control of your finances. In many cases that helps make you feel “safe” again. Daniel O. Fisher, Certified Senior Adviser, of Wilmette IL, shed light on that subject last week when he presented a talk about […]

Dinner as a Widow: Don’t Carry Out

After my husband died, I began to eat “carry out dinners.” And I ate them alone, sitting on the couch in the den. Then one night, while I was standing in a Mexican restaurant waiting for my order, the man asked if I wanted the meal for “carry out or eating in.” I looked around and thought, “I deserve to eat in this restaurant with others, even though my husband died.” I said, “IN!” and then I sat down at a table. Other widows I’ve spoken to have had a similar experience. And they agreed that it felt so nice to finally sit down […]

Grief Takes No Holidays

“Grief is the price you pay for love,” said therapist Carol Nevin at the December meeting of the Widows List Group at the Northbrook, Ill., Senior Center. Carol was there to discuss “Grieving During the Holidays,” and her visit was perfectly timed for Marilyn, one member who lost her husband six months ago and still feels “disoriented.” Marilyn said that confusion frustrates her more than anything else, because she always felt in control of her life. “And that’s perfectly normal, ” Carol assured us. “We all like control and predictability and we don’t like change, but death shows us that we have little control over life.” Carol also touched on another common part of grief that […]

Creating New Thanksgiving Traditions as Widows

Each family’s holiday traditions are precious and, one hopes, the children and grandchildren will remember and continue them. But as we move on, and our lives change dramatically, our traditions must change too. And, as single people, we can strive and thrive through holiday seasons by bringing cheer to others. For example, we always had Thanksgiving dinner at home, but when our children married, they began going to their in-laws’ celebrations and we started holding our celebration a day or so after the holiday. This year, I’m joining our daughter at her in-laws’ Thanksgiving Day dinner, and we’re celebrating again in my home two […]

Moving to the Middle of the Bed

Last night, I slept in the middle of our king-size bed. It took me two years to do that. For 55 years, I shared that bed with my husband. He never walked on water. Sometimes we broke that cardinal rule and went to sleep angry. But far more often, we embraced that bed, and each other, with tremendous joy, grateful we found mates that showed love, kindness, consideration, and selflessness on an almost daily basis. How unusual is that? So often people reach out their hand when they hear I’m a widow and say, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” […]

Anger a Normal Step in the Grief Process

At a recent dinner party, one of my newly-widowed friends complained that another guest wasn’t being nice to her. “He isn’t talking to me. He isn’t asking how I feel now that I lost my husband,” she said. “It makes me mad that he acts as though nothing happened.” Similarly, another newly-widowed friend complained that one group of women she had been close to stopped calling after her husband’s funeral. “It’s been six months and not one of them picked up the phone to call me lately. I’m so angry at them,” she said. “Obviously they don’t even care about how I feel now.” I told both women not […]

What a Hospice End-of-Life Consultation Meant To Us

When my husband was in the last stage of Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis, with no hope for a cure, we settled him in our den, next to the TV where he could watch his beloved Cubbies play ball, in the company of his loved ones and devoted Black Lab. During those final weeks, as he became weaker and weaker, we faced each day as a gift and marveled at the sunshine, fall flowers, changing leaves and the contentment we knew as a happy family. We kept up the illusion that we still had more time. Then one day the nurse who had […]

‘Sudden Widows’ Face Special Challenges

Losing a husband suddenly is very different from caring for a loved one through a long illness. While the grief and sorrow are the same, sometimes a sudden death leaves widows less prepared for the “work” they must do afterward. Often, there are no funeral and burial arrangements. They don’t know how to file death certificates, change names on charge and bank accounts, or contact their insurance agencies. Some of these “sudden widows” also don’t know about managing financial portfolios, writing checks, balancing checkbooks, or (don’t laugh) putting gas in the car, calling the plumber, changing lightbulbs and so much […]

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