Outside, the temperatures are changing and we pull out fall clothing.  Soon we will need even more warmth, and our winter wardrobe will appear. For some of us, it may seem no matter how many layers we put on, we are still cold.  The chill we feel in our bones goes beyond warm clothing. What we really long for — an arm around our shoulders, a hug. a hand to hold, someone to snuggle with on a cool crisp day — seems to be as absent as the sunshine we once enjoyed. We sigh again.

We may feel like giving up and just going back to bed and staying there till spring!  If bears hibernate for the winter, why can’t we? Especially this year when we are left to feel so useless and alone.  Though it may be hard to motivate ourselves, it is important to find some things we can do, to help us through the chill of autumn heightened by the absence of someone we loved.

The following are some suggestions.  Begin with one or two that appeal to you the most. It may help to remember we often have to act first before a good feeling can occur. If we wait for the good feeling before we act we may be waiting an unnecessarily long time.  When we act as if we want to do something or are enjoying something our feelings frequently catch up. 

  1. 1.         Make caramel apples and share them with the kids or adults in your neighborhood. 
  2. 2.         While raking your leaves make a house with rooms like you used to do as a child. Let yourself dream a little bit. 
  3. 3.         Buy yourself a new sweater in your loved ones favorite color.  Every time you wear it imagine he or she smiling at you.   
  4. 4.         Pull out a favorite piece of your loved ones fall clothing and wrap yourself in it.  Each time you do, believe you are being hugged by them. 
  5. 5.         Make up a batch of caramel corn to share. 
  6. 6.         Invite a few friends over for an evening of pot luck and board games. 
  7. 7.         Pull out a favorite book and give yourself the gift of rereading it again. 
  8. 8.         Invite your grandchildren (or anyone’s children) for a sleepover. Make popcorn balls with them and tell stories about when you were a child. 
  9. 9.         Rent some old videos you haven’t seen in years and have a video and popcorn night with a few friends. 
  10. 10.   Invite several friends for a potluck brunch and gabfest. 
  11. 11.   Pick out pieces of your own and your loved ones clothing that can he used together to make a quilt.  As you use the quilt think about all of the ways they continue to be a part of your life today. 
  12. 12.    Go on a penny walk.  At every corner, flip the penny. Heads you go left and tails you go right. Decide on a amount of time first and see where the penny takes you. 
  13. 13.   Think about what and who you saw along the way and other walks you may have taken through the years with your loved one. 
  14. 14.   Make this list your own by adding some of your own ideas!

 

 

Deb Kosmer 2011

 

Deb Kosmer

Deb has worked at Affinity Visiting Nurses Hospice for ten years, the first two as a hospice social worker and the last eight as Bereavement Support Coordinator supporting families before and after the death of their loved ones. She provides supportive counseling, developed and facilitates a variety of grief support groups, including a well-attended group for men only as well as other educational events. Deb received her Bachelor’s degree in Social Work from UW-Oshkosh and her Master’s degree in Social Work from UW Milwaukee. She received her certification in Thanatology through ADEC. Her writing has appeared in New Leaf Magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone, Living with Loss, Grief Digest, numerous hospice publications and EAP publications. Some of her poetry on death and dying will be included in a college textbook for social workers in end of life soon. New Leaf has also used some of her poetry for a line of sympathy and anniversary of death cards. On a personal level, Deb's 14-year-old son died after being struck by a car. Her 31-year-old sister had died in a car accident eight months earlier, and her 56-year-old father died from a heart attack exactly three years before. These three unexpected deaths within three years started Deb on a journey she never wanted to be on and she learned first-hand the importance of having the help and support of others. In the years since, she has experienced other losses, the most recent being the unexpected death of her 44-year-old step-daughter who died from complications three months after routine surgery. Deb's passions are writing, reading, education, nature, and family. She is currently working on a book of her grief poetry. She recently moved with her husband to Waypost Camp, Hatley WI. Her husband accepted a job there as Property Manager and his position allows them to live on-site with acres of woods and a lake. She anticipates the quiet beauty to be a strong catalyst for writing.

More Articles Written by Deb