Dad died suddenly in my early fifties. At the funeral, I will never forget the feeling of being 6 years old in a 50-something-year-old body. Mom died just a few short years later; I was strong until the end with her as she battled breast cancer. My years in hospice made me acutely aware of how quickly she would be leaving us. At her funeral the same feeling took over; as the pall bearers walked past me with my mother, I became a child inside. A lady once said to me many, many years ago, I don’t care how long you do hospice nothing will prepare you to lose your parents. She was right.
The question I think many of us face with the death of our parents is, who am I now without them? Daily phone calls with mom were always there, and if I didn’t call her she would call me and say I haven’t heard from you. She could always tell by the tone of my voice if I was happy or troubled. What now? How are those kinds of experiences just gone? It has been the strangest feeling for me to be on this earth without parents physically in my life. Especially when I see other women lunching, walking, laughing, talking with their moms and dads still. It used be painful for me to witness. I would want to say do you know how lucky you are? He or she will die someday and you will be alone like me!
Time calmed all that down, now I can view those people with love and think back to a time in my life when I had close relationships with my parents. Aging is about reminiscing, recalling moments in time with people we loved. I thought my mom and dad would live forever. Part of grieving our parents is to try not to hold on to the way it was, by that I mean getting to the point of acceptance. Moving forward in our life without our parents is about opening up to the loving memories; this truly is what keeps us going. Granted it may take time to get there.
Back to my original question… Who am I now without them on this earth? It has been such a journey for me, I still get lost sometimes. Like an orphan that never gives up looking for her mother. I know she is in everything, I believe that. Yet, she is not physically here. During the holiday season feelings really bubble up, she died on December 31st. One never forgets the day their mother died. Her death hit me harder than dads, I am not sure why it just did.
What I have learned through my own grief is that now I am a woman who resembles her mother, I have been told that. Her eyes, her heart, her kindness, I am me but I am also the daughter of a great lady. I can move through life knowing the gifts she imparted on me will continue on forever.
I am a woman living a life, trying to be a good example to my children and soon grandchildren. I am a woman that will leave my mark the way she did on this earth, loved by so many with a generous heart.
My parents love made me who I am; I will forever be a part of them. When you are feeling lost with the loss of your own parents, please remember your childhood, your milestones with them and all the traditions that you celebrated. All of these things make you the beautiful person that you are now even though your parents are no longer here.
Peace to you on your journey.
I love you Nina! This speaks to me on so many levels. I am still grieving my losses this year – I talk to my Mom spiritually every day – I just cannot make out her response and feedback yet. She is with me I know. So many memories of times I miss. But they made me who I am.
Thank you for sharing your story. I really can’t imagine what it feels like to go through something like this. I call my mom every day for 5 times and I do think about this day that eventually will come and how I will deal with it. I feel like sometimes I prepare myself ahead of time so that I will not break.
Hi Nina,
This article really hits home. I just my mother to lung cancer last year. She was 89. My Dad had Alzheimer’s for over 10 years and passed in 2011. My only sibling died of malignant melanoma in 1976. Now I feel very lost and alone, even though I am married and have a daughter and two grandsons, who were really shocked by the loss of all four great grandparents in a relatively short period of time. They’re 14 now. It’s just not the same as what I had with my immediate family, and now all are gone except for me. We were so close. I’m afraid I’ll never feel that again and it’s causing me to have deep sorrow.
Thanks for caring,
Art Steinman
Thank you for your beautiful story! It was thoughtful and positive as I try to pick up and go on from these losses. At a place of grieving still and with the holidays approaching I am sure it will be tough but I will try to remember your words that yes my parents made me who I am today. Thank you again!
This is so very good!! I just recently lost my mom and dad and this article really speaks to me……thank you ❤
thank you for this….I lost my mother 7 months ago and am really feeling lost. Who am I now? That is the question I’ve been asking myself since her passing. She really was my best friend and I miss her so much. This article gives me some comfort and I will try to remember that she does live on thru me….I will continue to make her proud. After all, she did teach me how to be strong. I think I have temporarily forgotten how to be strong….
Thank you for your inspiration. I lost my mom 11 years ago and my dad in the past few months. I thought since I already lost my mom that it would be easier to mourn my dad. How wrong was I! I miss them both equally and your words gave me peace and comfort. Thank you.
This is so beautiful, thank you for sharing ,it made me cry. My dad passed in 2008,him and my mom were married for 48 years. I moved in with my mom to be with her 3 years ago since she has a hard time getting around and no longer drives, I dont have a husband or kids so I left California to be back in the midwest with her ,shes 82 , the thought of losing her is almost paralyzing,after shes gone I cant imagine how painful it will be. I think about this because honestly feel like my time with her is running out and maybe I have 3 or 4 more years max.
I will probably move back out west but there will be such a saddness and emptyness I dont know how I will move on,living back in my home town back in my childhood house hasnt been that healthy , the house is contantly filled with childhood memories, teen years ect , Christmas’s even even even driving around the neighborhood is way to nostalgic. I know leaving town again will be a must for me to move on.
I know i will never regret this time here her last years living with her and taking care of her. Thank you for this I know its going to be rough and I feel like Im trying to prepare for it now which is impossible,one can never prepare for that.
It helps reading about other’s experience of loss of our parents. The difference for me is I’m not married and have no children. I have just my brother left and he is is single also. I miss the loving relationships of my parents and I fear for my senior years without a support system or other family relationships. How does one plan for later life being single? What do I do with all of the photos I have? With no one left to share them with is sadens me greatly of all the life lost and memories that I’ll take with me. Alas I now see I am not immortal. The sands of time take it all away.
Bill, I know exactly how you feel. I have no children or have I ever been married. I’m 53 but its just me and my sister,after my moms gone Im not sure how that will work someday with me either, my niece and nephews are from the me me me generation ,age 31, 24, &19 they wouldn’t think in a million years to take care of someone if it interupts their life, don’t get me wrong I love them ,i but t’s all about them,and their Iphones ,so I will hope for the best ,and funny you should mention photos.we have 1000″s of old family photos ,noone one to pass them down to , the generation of millenials isnt warm, or nostalgic and they would never look at photos unless they were on their phone, we are the last of this generation with questions like this ,sadly I will probably end up throwing out 100’s of photos my parents had of their family and parents since people younder than me dont even know who they are. Everything will work out for us Bill and remember, will see our parents and friends in the afterlife one day.
Thanks again Nina for your warm and loving reply I will definatley need your time and guidance one day.
Feb 20th 2023
Hi
Enjoyed your story and I’m very sorry on the loss of your parents. My dad died in 2002 age 66 and my 89 year old mom died Oct 20th 2022 on my 60th birthday actually. I’m not married or have kids and some days I just want to be with them. Like I have no purpose. Luckily I have a cat who forces me out of bed every morning to feed him. I’m so grateful for him! I lost my job in 2020 due to covid19 and subsequently retired in 2021. Sometimes I order flowers to myself to cheer me up even though I pay for them. That’s all I have to say except it’s so darn hard and sad some days.
Thank you nina for reminding us all that it’s ok to feel lost,alone or even on some level alienated to a degree after such deep impacts to the most inner parts of us as humans losing a parent/parent’s.I found myself in tears reading your article reflecting back on when my own mother was with us.Mum passed in 2022 march 11 after Whipple surgery,chemo,than more chemo!At the same time dad was also battling bowl cancer and the thought’s and feeling’s i experienced personally were so overwhelming processing the possibility of them going(home)so close together was literally debilitating.Thankfully dad was given the all clear from the surgeons/docs.Im not quite sure how or even if I could have kept my shit together in all honesty.Nowday me and my father cherish every memory/quirk of mum together at every chance we get as dad agreed after some deliberation (he’s stubborn)lol and independent to move into our home.Its been beneficial for both of us and brightens up the kid’s day’s having poppy and all his “dad joke” around.Im consciously aware those feelings of lose and dispare will return once more but am somewhat at peace with it all.The circle of life continues and will do so for eternity. make the best and happiest moments life has to offer everyday.Once again thank you Nina and God bless