Cindy writes:
I have been listening to your radio show for awhile. I download to my iPod and listen in the car. Eight years ago, my 3-year-old son was killed when a truck backed over him while he was walking with his sister and childcare provider to the store. As you can imagine, the pain was intense.

My husband stayed strong and went back to work a week later. I went through two years of intense counseling, as did my two surviving children. My husband did not. We were not able to collect from the driver’s insurance company so our lawyer used a loophole in the state and we ended up collecting an insurance settlement from my husband’s company’s underinsured motorist policy.

My husband’s company did not take the news well, and he felt threatened and left. This was a job he had held for 10 years and was good at it. During this time, I was able to be home with our surviving children, ages 6 and 10 at the time. However, I eventually had to go back to work and currently continue to do so.

My husband has gone from job to job, leaving when he thinks someone knows what happens and is trying to hurt him by backstabbing him. Recently he has transferred his suspicions to our social life. We had a couple that we did everything with, and he feels that they are somehow talking to the guys at work to undermine him.

My husband also treats my father with anger when he sees him. He hates everything and is extremely angry. He does not care about his health and will not talk to anyone because he thinks they will tell the guys at work. He can be very mean, and then turn around and apologize. He is not able to talk about our son unless it’s something he’s angry about.

It is getting unbearable at our house. I feel like I have had to give up my family and best friends. I feel that he suffers from complicated grief and depression but won’t accept help. Please if you have any information, suggestions or ideas that would be great. I feel like I am struggling upstream and making no headway.

Gloria Horsley responds:
So sorry to hear about your son’s death and all of the other issues. I frankly don’t think you can blame all of your husband’s problems on the death of your son. After 8 years, we all need to be investing in the future with your other beautiful children. My advice to you is to reach out like you have today. This tells me that you are ready to get on with your life. The greatest gift you can give to your family is a happy you.

I would suggest that you contact your local social services, minister, family, friends. You may also attend grief groups at your local hospital or Compassionate Friends. You might even want to contact your local battered women’s shelter. They have wonderful, free, groups for women.

Go to a couple of groups and you will hear that emotional abuse is in some ways far more difficult for them than physical abuse. Get help for yourself and you will find than your husband’s behavior will change. If you hesitate to do it for yourself, then do it for your children. If you have siblings, look to them for support in reaching out. Your husband may not like you to reach out, but you need to be strong and do it for yourself and not for him.

Don’t be influenced by his desire to “keep things quiet”. There is no shame in anything that has happened to you. Keep listening to the show. These problems are not ones that you should keep quiet. Reach out to the world!