First Anniversary of the Death

About three weeks after a funeral, most people stop checking on you. The offerings become a smattering of well wishes and hopes you’re doing “better”. However, you might not be “better”. The anniversary of a loved one’s passing, particularly the first, sometimes is the toughest.

Many books say that one year is “long enough” to grieve. One year may be enough for some, but for others, especially people with small or dysfunctional families, it may not be. If your loved one died of a violent act, the grief may last a lifetime. And no matter the circumstances, it may go through many metamorphoses.

We all grieve differently. I will never forget what Billy Graham said in a radio interview. We should never judge the way someone else grieves. It is personal and sacred. Telling someone it will all “be better soon” is not okay. Define “soon” to someone who is in pain, and it never comes soon enough.

A Rite of Passage

Who do you turn to when you know you should be “better”? Friends and some family members may tell you it’s time to move on. Worse yet, they may use the term “closure”.  What is closure? Is there such a thing? Closure can feel like a betrayal to the memory of someone. There must be a word that more eloquently defines the transition.

That first anniversary of the death can be a lonely and painful rite of passage. I wish someone had told me what to expect at the first anniversary of the death. I understood not to bother my friends and family with what I had endured or witnessed, but the calendar is a reminder of time moving on when we feel like we can’t catch up with our own.

Let’s face it, talking about the end of anyone’s life reminds us of our own mortality, including ourselves. When we overshare with our friends or talk too much about how much we hurt. That it is hurting other people because they feel helpless. There really is nothing they can do. Downloading the pain is only momentary relief. Action may be required.

Anniversary Anxiety

I remember coming home from work on February 2, 2012. I had this ominous anxiety flooding me like a tsunami for seemingly no apparent reason. It was about 6:00 pm. As I am a mental health counselor, I had to practice what I preach.

I asked myself, “Did something happen about a year ago, at this time?”

I went through it in my mind, and it was exactly one year to the date and time I was at the hospital when they were transferring my mother to another hospital room. There was this odd knowing that she would not come out of this episode. She did not. The hospital called me about four hours later, and I was there when my mother made her transition.

Hospice couldn’t have been nicer. The hospital was helpful. My brother came home for almost a week. While I am writing this, it is almost a year since I was aware of my brother’s passing, so I am passing the message on to you: Focus on action, not reaction.

Dearest friends can keep vigil with you for a while but that can only last for so long. We can only lean on others before they have to step back and deal with their inevitable tragedies and triumphs. Time does move on even when we can’t.

Be Proactive

The casseroles do stop coming. People do stop asking. But the heart and mind keep receiving the message that something is wrong, sometimes long after the first anniversary of the death.

How do you make right of it?

Read more from Mary Joye: The Grieving Codependent – Open to Hope