Creating a Loss History

The first place we need to start is the past. We’re going way back—as far back as you can remember—and dredging up any experiences that may have helped shape your awareness of grief.

“But Brooke, whyyyyyyyyy would you want me to dig up all of the depressing things in my life when I’m already feeling depressed?” you might ask.

Well, because I like to torture you, of course. Seriously, though, the reason is that our earlier experiences with loss shape the way we currently process it. You learned things from significant events in your life.

Perhaps your culture or religion expected you to grieve in a certain way. Maybe your family members taught you to ignore loss, or that it was something that children weren’t supposed to talk about.

Ingrained Grief Beliefs

The awareness of these significant experiences allows you to uncover deeply ingrained beliefs or patterns that you are most likely still using to deal with your current grief.

Basically, figuring out where you fucked up grief in the past will allow you to avoid unconsciously resorting to the same fucked up behaviors.

There are several ways to complete a grief and loss history (a list of recollected events that is sometimes called a loss inventory or grief timeline, made popular by the book The Grief Recovery Handbook), but we’re going to keep it easy, because you’re probably suffering from brain fog. All you need to do is grab a piece of paper and a pencil and make a list.

If you want to get fancy, you could use a timeline, or download a printable worksheet from my website. At the top of the page, list your first memory of a death or loss in your life. The earliest one you can remember. If you remember the date, you can put that. If not, then just get as close as you can.

It’s also important to remember that a “loss” does not necessarily have to be a death. It could be a divorce, loss of a pet, a move, a significant illness—whatever YOU consider to be important and meaningful. There are no correct or incorrect answers with this one.

Try to pick the ten most important events you can recall. For some of my readers, it will be difficult to decide what to include in the ten. However, some people might have trouble coming up with ten, and that’s totally fine. Just do your best to remember your losses and be honest with yourself.

Check out Brooke’s other writing on Open to Hope: ‘You’re SO Strong’: A Misunderstanding of Grief – Open to Hope

Brooke Carlock

Brooke Carlock has been punched in the face by grief on more than a few occasions, but she keeps getting back up and hopes to inspire others to do the same. She is the creator of the “Grief Sucks with Brooke Carlock” YouTube Channel and host of the “Mourning Coffee” Podcast, and cofounder of Live Like Libby, a nonprofit organization that provides dance scholarships in her late daughter’s honor. She has also been a middle school English teacher and freelance writer since earning a bachelor’s degree in English from West Virginia University and a master’s degree in Teaching from Johns Hopkins University. Her writing has been featured on Emmys.com, Open to Hope, Scary Mommy, and Filter Free Parents. Now an empty nester, Brooke resides in a tiny house by herself, which makes her introverted heart happy. When she’s not making videos, providing grief support, writing books, or wrangling middle schoolers, she enjoys reading historical fiction, baking, and going to farmers markets. She lives in a small town in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania.