By Carol O’Dell

Creating a meaningful memorial service for your loved one is cathartic, and you don’t have to wait until your loved one passes to begin to think about what they — and you — want and need.

It’s a part of caregiving you’d rather not think about, but it’s the last thing you can do to honor their wishes and gather everyone around to reminisce, consol each other, and share precious memories.

Planning funerals and/or memorial services takes time, and you’d rather spend those last few weeks and days your loved one has on earth at their side.

You may find that planning your loved one’s memorial service feels good in a way. It’s proactive. It’s exercising a little bit of control, and it feels good to honor the one you love. Don’t feel like you’re giving into death, and only do as much or as little as feels right to you.

Have you and your loved one talked about cremation or burial?

Even if you choose cremation, there are options. For some families, talking about this, even with the loved one who is dying, is somehow relieving. It feels good (in a strange way) to make one last decision together.

Here are some tips to help you create a meaningful service:

• Spend a few minutes envisioning what you’d like a memorial service to look and feel like. Try to write or verbalize this to someone and then trust that the elements that make it unique will come to you.
• Pick a location for the service. Consider many options. While funeral homes and churches are many people’s choice, don’t discount other settings such as parks, a favorite restaurant, someone’s home, or a community center.
• If someone wants to help, ask them to start going through photographs, awards, special momentos that could be displayed or used in various ways.
• Consider different options as to use these photos and momentos — as a powerpoint/video shown at the service and set to music, displayed on a table, blown up as a centerpiece — one that really captures their joy, personality, or achievement (such as a military picture, family shot, etc.).
• Don’t forget that you can use movie clips, home movies or favorite movies. Again, let someone else do this type of legwork.
• Have other family members think about music. You don’t have to go with traditional, you can incorporate rock, pop, country…whatever they loved. You can use this music as people enter, in the service, or as a part of the powerpoint.
• Start thinking about a poem, song lyrics, a funny saying your loved one used all the time. This can be used on the video and on the program.
• Let others start laying out the program. Photos, a song or poem, a list of family members, a short funny/touching story, and other information can start being gathered.

If you choose to scatter your loved one’s ashes at sea, from an airplane or other location, then make a few calls. Depending on where you live, you may have to wait for this portion until later. There are also laws regarding this practice, and there are companies (charter boats, etc.) who can assist you with this.

One of the most beautiful services I’ve ever attended was on a sailboat with just a handful of loved ones. Someone played the guitar and his wife scattered his ashes behind the boat at sunset and his sister broke rose petals on the water at the same time. It was truly touching.

• Decide if this is a somber/grieving occasion. It’s okay either way. Sometimes it’s just heartbreaking — our loved ones suffer before they pass, or it’s way too soon. It’s perfectly okay to gather to cry, hug, and hold each other.
• You can have a funeral type service soon after they die, and a memorial service months or even a year later-after the initial hurt and shock has worn off.
• For others, this is a sweet, playful time. Make it your own and reflective of your relationship. Hire an Irish band, do whatever is right for you.
• Know that you can’t please others. Don’t get caught up in this vortex. Don’t even listen to the snide comments-and trust me, there will be some. Your family and friends will just have to understand. Let them talk, if they must. This is one time when you need to follow your heart.
• Ask someone who needs a job to do to contact out of town relatives and friends and let them know that your loved one may be passing soon.
• If you do decide on more of a memorial/celebration type gathering, then let people know. Some families prefer people to wear colorful clothing, that joyful music will be played and people are encouraged to share humorous stories. It’s helpful to let people know this so that they respond properly.
• If you’d like to forego flowers, then begin to think of charities that people can donate to–but do some research and offer website or address info that can be placed on the program or sent by email.

There are no rules. Create a memorial service with heart. There’s nothing more healing than to celebrate your loved one, your life together, and all that they mean to you.

~Carol O’Dell is the author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir.