Creating a meaningful memorial service for your loved one is cathartic, and you don’t have to wait until your loved one passes to begin to think about what they–and you–want and need.

It’s a part of caregiving you’d rather not thnk about, but it’s the last thing you can do to honor their wishes and gather everyone around to reminisce, consol each other, and share precious memories.

Planning funerals and/or memorial services takes time, and you’d rather spend those last few weeks and days your loved one has on earth at their side.

You may find that planning your loved one’s memorial service feels good in a way. It’s proacive. It’s exercising a little bit of control, and it feels good to honor the one you love. Don’t feel like you’re giving into death, and only do as much or as little as feels right to you.

Have you and your loved one talked about cremation or burial?

Even if you choose cremation, there are options. For some families, talking about this, even with the loved one who is dying is somehow relieving. It feels good (in a strange way) to make one last decision together.

Here are some tips to help you create a meaningful service:

If you choose to scatter your loved one’s ashes at sea, from an airplane or other location, then make a few calls. Depending on where you live, you may have to wait for this portion until later. There are also laws regarding this practice, and there are companies (charter boats, etc.) who can assist you with this.

One of the most beautiful services I’ve ever attended was on a sailboat with just a handful of loved ones. Someone played the guitar and his wife scattered his ashes behind the boat at sunset and his sister broke rose  petals on the water at the same time. It was truly touching.

• Decide if this is a somber/grieving occasion. It’s okay either way. Sometimes it’s just heartbreaking–our loved ones suffer before they pass, or it’s way too soon. It’s perfectly okay to gather to cry, hug, and hold each other.
• You can have a funeral type service soon after they die, and a memorial service months or even a year later–after the initial hurt and shock has worn off.
• For others, this is a sweet, playful time. Make it your own and reflective of your relationship. Hire an Irish band, do whatever is right for you.
• Know that you can’t please others. Don’t get caught up in this vortex. Don’t even listen to the snide comments–and trust me, there will be some. Your family and friends will just have to understand. Let them talk, if they must. This is one time when you need to follow your heart.
• Ask someone who needs a job to do to contact out of town relatives and friends and let them know that your loved one may be passing soon.
• If you do decide on more of a memorial/celebration type gathering, then let people know. Some families prefer people to wear colorful clothing, that joyful music will be played and people are encouraged to share humorous stories. It’s helpful to let people know this so that they respond properly.
• If you’d like to forego flowers, then begin to think of charities that people can donate to–but do some research and offer website or address info that can be placed on the program or sent by email.

There are no rules. Create a memorial service with heart. There’s nothing more healing than to celebrate your loved one, your life together, and all that they mean to you.

~Carol O’Dell, Author, Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

www.mothering-mother.com

• E-vites to the service is totally acceptable and a great way to contact people without trying to make a zillion calls. Again, a great job for someone who wants to help.
• Be aware that you may have a “dry run.” By that I mean that your loved one could rally around again. Don’t be surprised if this happens. After you let everyone know, get all sad, start to make arrangements–and then they seem to get better. (My mom did this and I felt kind of foolish). This is common, and in general don’t expect them to miraciously get better. This is often temporary, but of course no one can know for sure. All the work and prep you did can be put on hold and if you’re fortunate enough to have a few more days, hours, weeks, or months with your loved one–then of course, it’s a good thing.
• Many families and cultures have a dinner of sorts after the service. For some families, they like to get creative–I heard of one in Atlanta catered by the famous Varsity restaurant. The lady passing already planned and paid for it–and it was such a send off for her loved ones, and such a relief. Most people do something in someone’s home–a potluck. The point is, you get to choose–do anything you want. Cater it, serve deli sandwiches, serve filet mignon–doesn’t matter, just do what fits you and the occasion.
• Another special touch is to give attendees momentos–I heard of one funeral in which everyone received a baseball cap from the collection of hat’s the father left. What a better use of a collection that to share it with those he loved!
• Be aware that funeral/memorial services are people’s business, but it’s your time of grief. If you have a budget, then let them know up front that you have a maximum you will spend. Don’t get suckered in by allowing someone to use your emotions. While you want to make this special, you don’t want to pay for it for years to come.

Let people help, but don’t let them take over. You have the ace card, and if you need to be firm or difficult, you’ll be forgiven. You can’t possibly do all this alone. You’re going to have to let go of some of your perfectionist tendencies (and we all have them), and let others pitch in to make this day special.

State clearly what you and your loved one want, but then let others deal with the details. Creating a funeral or memorial service with meaning takes thought–and heart–and it’s part of the healing process of the caregiving journey.