Role of Guilt in Sibling Loss

    How Guilt Shows Itself More than any other emotion, guilt arguably dominates the mental life of a sibling who losing a sibling.  This guilt can take many forms, depending on the relationship between the siblings and the manner of death. Siblings can feel responsible and place blame on themselves, sometimes irrationally. Common thoughts reflecting this self-blame include: I am older, so I should have been the protector. Why didn’t I go first? I was sick, too, so why didn’t I…

    Sibling Loss in Childhood is Trauma

    Is Sibling Loss a Trauma? One phenomenon inherent in the popularizing of psychology over the last few decades has been the incorporation of “buzzwords” into our lexicon. An example is the use of the term “trauma.” This term is used frequently by both the media and lay people in everyday conversation to describe a variety of experiences. We state that someone has been “traumatized” by various situations. But what specifically does that mean? What differentiates a truly traumatizing experience from…

    When Siblings Die Young

    When Siblings Die Young Many decades ago, there was a little girl who had a wonderful life. She lived comfortably, with two parents who adored her, a younger brother she could boss around, two equally doting sets of grandparents, a great-grandmother who thought she could do no wrong, and a great aunt who was captivated by her. Too young to realize her family was not rich, she lived in a cozy house with her own room. The girl loved animals…

    What We Say to The Dying

    “I thought: maybe death isn’t darkness, after all, but so much light wrapping itself around us— as soft as feathers— that we are instantly weary of looking, and looking, and shut our eyes, not without amazement, and let ourselves be carried, as through the translucence of mica, to the river that is without the least dapple or shadow— that is nothing but light—scalding, aortal light— in which we are washed and washed out of our bones. -- from "White Owl…

    Grief Loves Company: After a Sibling-Loss

    Losing a Sibling is Unique Losing a sibling is different from other losses. At times I find myself becoming extremely nostalgic, and it is difficult not having a cohort with whom to share childhood memories. On some level, we know and expect that our older relatives will leave us eventually. However, our brothers and sisters are the connection between the child we were and the adult we become. They know the good and the not-so-good details about us, and if…

    Sibling Survivors Need Connection

    Being a sibling survivor can make one feel like an alien at times. There may be a classroom full of students who are dealing with a divorce at home. But chances are poor that others are coping with the death of a brother or sister. It is a relatively small club. That is a good thing of course, but it can force the remaining siblings to alienate themselves, which is not advantageous to a child. Through my writing, I hope…

    Discovering After-Death Communication

    Learning Bad News The sun beamed brightly as my 34-year-old brother David and I laughed and reminisced while walking along the sandy shores of Coast Guard National Seashore in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Our family had just gathered for our annual camping vacation, and it was great being together again. David came out that he was gay when he was 22 years old. Twelve years later, thousands of people were dying of AIDS weekly. There was no cure. “Hey David, have…

    Speak Their Names

    My parents never spoke about my beloved sisters Margie and Jane as the pain too hard for them. I followed their lead and did not mention Margie and Jane. For years when asked how many siblings I had, my breath stopped, and I answered, "Just me." Tt's a challenging question for almost all bereaved siblings. Today I state, “I am the middle of three, and sadly, I lost both my sisters.” When Jane died, someone said to me, “There will…

    No Recipe for Grief

    No Recipe for Grief I reread the rabbi’s eulogy from my sister Jane’s funeral. He had said, “There is no satisfactory answer to understanding why bad things happen to good people. Not all questions have answers. Unanswered 'whys' are a part of life. The way to face tragedy is with love. Use the love we had for Jane to forgive ourselves.” Focusing on his words helped me knock down roadblocks to forgiving myself. Regrets was another word associated with forgiveness.…

    The Power of Being with Others in Grief

    Like a Warm Blanket I was fortunate to attend and present at the 45th Compassionate Friends National Conference in Houston, TX, at the beginning of August 2022. Being with others in grief, especially others who had lost siblings, felt like coming home and being hugged by a warm blanket. Many emotions bubbled to the surface that I had kept dormant for decades. For silenced years about my beloved sisters Margie and Jane, the freedom and security to be open about…