By Clara Hinton —
When child-loss occurs, a mother goes through a difficult time of emotional turmoil and questioning. “Am I still a mother?” “Does my child still have a birthday each year, or does time stand still?” “Can the mother/child relationship continue to grow, or am I now an unfinished mother?”
Losing a child often places a mother on a road that begins a lonelier journey than ever expected, one that can never really be explained. There was a beginning, but with the death of the child, there is no middle and no end. Everything seems unfinished. Hopes and dreams were stopped far too soon. Joy was snatched away so suddenly. A mother is left with empty arms and an empty heart. Nothing can ever be complete when a child’s life ends.
When the death of a child occurs, a mother may suddenly feel inadequate and incomplete. She wears a new name. She may feel an “unfinished mother,” never being able to see the rest of the picture. She will never be able to watch her child mature into a young adult. She will never be able to see all the pieces fit together. The picture will always have part of the scenery missing. It is so painful to be an unfinished mother! Child loss can make everything seem so empty and incomplete.
There will come a critical point in this journey of grief when a mother must reach deep into her inner resources and make a conscious decision to accept herself just as she is, as a mother whose heart has been touched by the pain and grief of child-loss.
A mother is never “unfinished.” No matter how brief her time was with her child, the bond of love between mother and child was complete. A mother’s love for her child is unending. Dreams may shatter and circumstances may change, but a mother’s love remains strong. Her motherhood did not stop when her child died. This understanding of motherhood releases the feelings of guilt and failure and allows a mother to begin to see herself as a whole person again-a complete mother.
A mother is never an “unfinished mother.” A mother’s love runs far too deep for that!
While experiencing the blessing of living children, Clara has also felt the pain of losing six children due to miscarriage, and has delivered one stillborn son. Knowing the grief of child loss first-hand prompted Clara to write a book, Silent Grief, as well as begin a grief support website, www.silentgrief.com, for parents seeking support while going through the pain of loss. Contact Clara at chinton@wpia.net or visit the Silent Grief website.
Tags: grief, hope
Clara,
As always, I appreciate your words of wisdom for us. Thank you for sharing this article.
Debra
Hi Clara
I lost my son in a car accident in August 2009 he was only 17. It seems to get harder as time passes and this article is how I am feeling.
Hello Tracy, My deepest sympathy on the loss of all losses, that of your son. I too experience the loss of our almost 21 year old son, Brendon in a horrific mva in 1993. Prior to his loss we’d lost our first baby son at 4hours old and just knew I could not go through that experience again without help. We found great consolation in joining the Compassionate Friends and I also found writing to be very therapeutic. I have in the last 2 years self published my book on my experiences and writing it has been such a healing journey for me and others who have read it. If you would like to keep in contact with me, my e-mail address is felicitybleach@yahoo.com
Your grief is still so very raw and you must allow yourself to grieve thoroughly. Only then will you begin to experience the start of any healing. This journey is the most painful experience, but don;t give up. You will get there. In Loving Compassion.
Felicity.
Dear Felicity,
I am writing because I saw you lost 2 children in a short time. My baby sister lost a 23 year old son due to be electrocuted on the job in 2007. She was still trying to cope and finally seeming like she was starting to smile agin after much medication, hospitalization, pain. In March 2010 she lost her oldest son 29, due to same injury with same company, electrocuted in high line power bucket truck. Now last Thursday she found her baby daughter 21 in bed dead from sudden unexpected death epileptic phenomena. She was very healthy and vibrant went she went to bed and died during her sleep. 6 weeks from burying her second son. She is in really bad shape and i just don’t know if she will pull through this. We are having her admitted to a hospital today (funeral yesterday) to at least have her in a safe place. She has 2 older boys left. She and this little girl never cut the umbilical cord. They were always together. A single parent they did everything together. You sound encouraging. This is a rare case i now and to find help for multiple deaths of a child is kind of hard to do. The pain and loss is so great even with one.Thank you for listening and hope to hear back from you. Of course we the family(Aunt) are feeling a great loss too but not like hers.
Thank you