If you’re a family caregiver, you can feel like you’re under house arrest for a crime you didn’t commit.

It’s not that you don’t want to care for your loved one, it’s just that you didn’t realize it would wind up feeling like that’s all you do.

If you’re not careful, resentments can mushroom.

This season of caregiving–when you can no longer leave your loved one “home alone” can be a difficult adjustment for a caregiver–especially if you didn’t realize it was coming. Maybe you thought you had more time to prepare.

For some, their loved one has dementia/Alzheimer’s and leaving them alone is dangerous. They could try to leave the house–or could hurt themselves. Hiring a CNA or other care provider has its challenges. There are other issues of trusting your loved one’s care and your home to person you don’t know. But don’t give up. There’s great assistance and resources out there. Be persistent.

There are many caregiving traps–maybe you watch too much TV, eat too much ice cream, or depend a little too much on sleep meds.

Do you feel as you’re falling into depression and can’t stop yourself?

You’re not alone. Caregiver related depression is all too common.

But you have to fight. You have to get help and get out once in a while.

Why? (You ask facetiously).

Because your life MUST go on. Because you need to get out, be involved in your community, make and keep friendships, make plans for your life and future, cultivate hope.

You need a plan.

Ask yourself, what do you miss most?

Is it simple things like going to the library? A walk in the park? Lunch with friends? Church or temple?

Pick one thing and figure out a way to make it happen.

Who do you trust to stay with your loved one a few hours?

Is there a neighbor or relative–or former care provider who could give you a short break?

Or–contact a reputable agency in your area. Consider a place such as Comfort Keepers who are licensed and bonded. Explain your loved one’s medical condition and personality.

As cantankerous as your loved one might be, and as much as they might fight having a new person care for them, don’t let them pitch a fit and manipulate you.

I have seen the most difficult person be won over by just the right care person.

Trust me, my mother wanted no one but me. She did all kinds of antics to keep me at home–from crying, pleading to drinking deodorant–not kidding (it didn’t hurt her).

My most dearest caregiver wasn’t someone I’d think my mother would take to–but her genuine warmth, sense of humor and professionalism won us all over–big time!

So don’t be surprised if your loved one likes this new person!

Start with one outing a month. No excuses.

This isn’t grocery shopping or picking up meds at the pharmacy. This time is for you. And when you walk out the door–leave it all behind. Trust that you’ve made a good choice and that your loved one will be fine. Don’t be over critical. Make sure the important things like meds are taken care of–but don’t get all fussy if they eat the last of your ice cream. What’s important is that your loved one was safe!

Even “happy” is optional. Realize you might not be able to make them happy–especially if they don’t chose to be. It’s time to think a little about your own happiness. That’s okay, it’s even more than okay.

Your loved one needs a break from you, too.

You’re not always a picnic, ya know. They need a different face, voice, and mannerism. It can be refreshing. Don’t be surprised if you feel a twinge of jealousy. Take it as a complement though–you picked a good person.

For all the hours and days (and weeks) when you can’t leave the house:

Change your stinkin’ thinkin’!

What if you considered being home a gift? Look around. Most of us have unread books, unfinished art projects, unpainted rooms, weeds to pick, recipes to try–is it so bad to be at home? Not if adjust your attitude.

If you have to be there, then really be there.

Be in the moment. Make your home a sacred, relaxing, inviting place to be. Start with one corner and make that corner special–a table, a photo, a flower. Spread out from there. A can of paint doesn’t cost that much–rearranging the furniture doesn’t cost anything at all.

Got a computer? (I assume you do if you’re reading this)

Then the world is at your fingertips. Visit a forum, look up your ancestory, download itunes and get some new music–write pen pal from around the world. The possibilities are endless.

Caregiving isn’t meant to be a trap. When done right, caregiving has many hidden benefits–and surprises.

~Carol D. O’Dell

Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir

available on Amazon and in most bookstores

Family Advisor at Caring.com

Tags: anger, grief, guilt, hope