By Debra Reagan —

There is a smell that is part of my memory of Clint. Since the blessing of this smell doesn’t happen often, I cherish each moment. Recently, I encountered the precious smell several times over the span of a day and a half. I enjoyed the bitter sweetness of it and went about my day with a smile in my heart. The next day the following took place.

I had a glass hummingbird ornament that Clint had given me when he was 16 years old hanging on the bathroom mirror. I enjoyed looking at it each morning as I got ready for work.  After his death, the little hummingbird meant even more to me. The day after I had encountered my special odor, I noticed the glass ornament was dusty so I took it down to clean it.

I seemed to hear a voice that said I should get a picture of the hummingbird, but then in a split second I dropped it. The precious little bird hit the sink and broke into tiny pieces. As I was cleaning up the broken pieces, that special smell surrounded me again.

One part of me ached because I felt as though I had lost another piece of my Clint. But another part was assured that it wasn’t necessary for me to have material items to remember him. I would like to think the smell that surrounded me was his way of comforting me and reminding me that he is with me always. At that moment, I knew I had entered another level of transformation along my grief journey.

As I was describing this event to a friend, she told me that the hummingbird is an important symbol to some folks. I did a little research and  found this quote.

“The hummingbird symbolizes love, joy and beauty. The hummingbird is unique in that it can also fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back at our past, but not dwell there, and continue to go forward. Its ability to hover while drinking nectar is a lesson for us to savor each moment, while appreciating its sweetness.”

Debra Reagan lives in East Tennessee with her husband of 28 years. They have one surviving son, Blake. She works as a Research Specialist at the University of Tennessee. Debra is the co-founder and president of Listening Hearts, http://listening-hearts.memory-of.com/About.aspx a non-profit corporation designed to help bereaved mothers.

After some turbulent and confusing experiences, her youngest son, Clint, received the dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and a drug addiction. Their lives changed forever when Clint died on August 6, 2005, at the age of 20 of an accidental overdose and bronchial pneumonia. Debra can be reached through the website she maintains for her son at www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com.

Debra was a guest on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart” talking about “Getting Through Mother’s Day.”  To hear Debra being interviewed on this show by Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi Horsley, click on the following link:

www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley051007.mp3