When someone we love dies, especially at a young age or by violent means, our whole belief system often gets a massive shake up. The certainty that we once knew has gone. That foundation we depended on is no longer stable and true. We find ourselves in a strangely altered new world.
Our faith becomes a target and gets an overhaul. We want to know why, and we ask the question over and over. The meaning in our life has gone and we wonder what it’s all about anyway. We cannot believe that our God has allowed this to happen. The questioning keeps on; as we attempt to find the answers, we so badly want. Oh how we wish we could get some relief and bring some understanding into the darkness we find ourselves in.
After a great deal of soul searching, many of us will find that our faith does indeed sustain us in our grief. However, there are many I know where the opposite has been sadly true.
I was sent to church as a small child, to learn about a religion and a God that judged, condemned and punished. I heard about the wrath of God every single week. I learned to fear and feel guilty. I myself believed for quite some time, after my son died, that I was being punished by God. I know many of you do too, you have told me. It doesn’t matter whether it was something that happened years ago or last week. We believe that is why. Our faith is not sustaining us then, quite the opposite.
Some have found that the community of faith to which they belong was not able to be there for them. Those whom they expected would be their greatest support could not help them. It was devastating for them and their disappointment was palpable.
I can now say that my belief sustains me in so many ways. My faith gives me strength when I feel like falling down. I am comforted by the knowing that I will see my son again. I am part of a community if I so seek. My questions are answered and my path is illuminated. I am inspired each day to live by my faith and by my heart. My faith truly does sustain me….now.
Maureen Hunter 2011
How did you get to that place???
Hi Kathy
It took lots of hard work to explore and feel my pain, to immerse myself in the total devastation of the loss of my son until I decided I didnt want to do that for the rest of my life. I made a conscious decision to get through it. I used whatever tools I could find to support me and nurture me. I sought out ways to communicate with my son and keep him a part of my life and I refused to believe anything other than I would get through this. I held the view that I couldnt change what had happened, much as I would love to each and every day. All I can do now is step forward. Helping others now is a big part of my life and my focus.
I hope this has helped Kathy. I have lots more information on my website which you may find helpful.
Hugs
Maureen
I’m sorry about your son, but I’m sure he would be happy knowing you can cope and continue on. I lost my brother about two years ago, now. I do what I can to accept the grief as it comes, but occasionally I lose to it and lash out. Sometimes I find myself questioning the existence of a God that could let this happen. Not that I don’t believe, but I sometimes find it hard to. My brother’s (younger) was more of a violent death, and I was fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to be near him as he passed away. I think the worst thing that gets me is I feel betrayed, more so because his death was documented as a suicide, even though I’m absolute that he would have never done that to himself. I want that outlook on my brother changed, but I question myself so much I really feel I don’t know where to even start.
Michael I too am sorry about your loss with your brother. Anger is something that seems to sit hand in hand with our grief and seeks expression in one way or another. I think when the unthinkable has happened its a very natural thing to question our faith, our certainty, our everything. As you journey through your grief may you find peace settle in your heart and answers to that which you seek ~ Maureen