On October 25, 1989, my fourteen-year-old son Shawn was struck by a car and died. When the coroner came to our door to tell us, I felt like he’d stuck a knife in my heart. I wanted so badly for him to be at the wrong house talking about the wrong kid. But he wasn’t and the nightmare began.
I don’t remember much about those first few weeks and months. I do remember how hard it seemed to breathe. I kept waiting for the nightmare to end. It didn’t. I didn’t suddenly wake up and see my son sleeping in his bed or have to tell him to turn his music down. Those days ended with the ringing of the doorbell. Life as my family knew it was over.
Our house seemed so empty. It seemed to scream Shawn was gone. There were reminders of him everywhere. All those things he’d never use again. His brand new bike hanging in the garage that I couldn’t bring myself to part with.
His jackets were still hanging in the hall closet. All of those things that took on new meaning and became so important to us after our loved ones die. The clothes they wore. The things their hands touched. The things that now keep us connected to them. When we can no longer touch or smell those we love, we touch and smell what they leave behind.
Grieving is like being in a no-man’s-land. It is a place of loneliness, even in a crowd, longing for what we had; it’s a place of sadness and anger that we can never have it again. It is a place where hope is non-existent or very hard to find and difficult to live without. I, like many grieving people, longed for a sign that my son was okay.
Days passed and turned into weeks and then months. Time takes on a confusing quality when grieving. It can seem like forever since our loved one died and at the same time that it was just yesterday. Easter was coming and I was dreading it. Easter had always been a happy time. It had been a time of celebration.
My mood would not allow me to feel like celebrating. I wanted to skip Easter. I couldn’t get excited about church, an Easter egg hunt, Easter baskets, and dinner. I knew it would just make me miss Shawn more. I desperately needed to have something good happen soon.
That something happened the day before Easter with a phone call. There was a message on our answering machine from a local handmade chocolate store that Shawn had won the drawing for the solid chocolate bunny. I knew there must be some mistake. Was someone playing a cruel joke on us? Had they meant to call a different house with a boy named Shawn? I asked my husband to call the store. He did and was told they had called and left the message and verified Shawn’s name as the winner.
As I headed out to my car feeling confused, I decided someone in my family must have entered Shawn’s name. When I got to the store and brought out the bunny, I was amazed at the size of it. It was huge. I questioned everyone in my family but every one of them said they had not even been to the store. I started thinking maybe one of his friends had done it.
Suddenly, I realized it didn’t matter how my son’s name got in there or got picked. All that mattered is it happened and I thought it was Shawn’s way of saying; “I love you all. I’m okay. Please be okay for me. Happy Easter.” I wrapped those messages around my heart and went to the refrigerator and got the eggs out.
Deb Kosmer 2011
Tags: signs and connections
So few people realize how hard the various holidays and special days are for us. You made that point so graciously and eloquently. Thanks for another big step forward!
Love, Andrea
Lori Culver Meitzen MEGA tears flowing beginning with the “when the coroner came to our door”…..I remember sooooooooo vividly that day with my own loss and it constantly plays out in my mind no matter how hard I try to NOT think of it. I totally related to everything you have said here (((((Deb)))))…thank you for putting what is in my heart…into words.
I totally LOVE the sign that Shawn sent u for Easter…spirit works in amazing ways!!!
Dear Andrea and Lori, Thank you both so much for your kind and caring words. I enjoyed writing it for the first time in all these years. I can still see how BIg that bunny was but can’t remember eating it. If I did I am sure I had a lot of help.
Loved you Easter surprise, Deb.
Through all the pain and grief a bit of joy did shine through . I’m a big believer in gifts from God…and God certainly blessed you on your first Easter as a bereaved parent. Thank you for sharing your story, because for me. Easter was never complee without a big chocolate bunny…Some people call those “God wink’s: …a funny expression but I have come to really appreciate all of the little things that God does for us. Your writing has encouraged me…Thank you for sharing.
Happy Easter Deb!
{{{HUGS}}}
Cindy
Thank You Cindy. I like the idea of “God Wonks”.Bless you in your journey. It helps so much to walk with others and I have met such wonderful people like you. I like to think that our children have met also and are smiling at us as we connect here and they there.
The story brought tears to my eyes and a catch in my throat. What a beautiful sign it was.
Thank you for your memories, Deb. As one who lost a son at nearly 12 years of age, I could relate to you. I used to tell people that I thought Mothers who lost children should have a mark on their foreheads to recognize each other. Once I wrote my book “The Gifts of Grief: Finding Light in the Darkness of Loss”, I realized that we comforted one another by saying: “Me too, and I survived–and more.” Lots of love, Therese
HI DEB…I’M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS…I SEEM TO REMEMBER SEEING/RESPONDING TO SOMETHING ON F.B. ABOUT YOUR SON…SOME TIME BACK…STILL…WHEN WE LOSE SOMEONE WE LOVE…I HAVE ALWAYS PRAYED FOR WORDS TO SHARE…I DON’T PRETEND TO BE AN AUTHORITY ON GOD’S WORD, IN THE BIBLE…OR ANY OTHER MATTER…EVEN THOUGH I HAVE SEEN ALOT OF LOVE…COMPASSION…HURT…PAIN…IN OVER 35 YEARS OF LAW ENFORCEMENT/CORRECTIONS…I CAN ONLY SAY…I LOVE YOUR STRENGTH IN YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR SON…WHO WILL ALWAYS REMAIN…AND FOR YOU SHARING YOUSELF…AND YOU TOO, DEB…YOU KNOW…I’M 59…AND LIKE TO THINK I HAVE BECOME WISER OVER THE YEARS…BUT TOO, I KNOW MY FAITH IN JESUS AND MY CONTINUED SEARCH FOR HIS TRUTH IN HIS WORD IS REALLY WHAT SUSTAINS ME…I’M TRYING TO REMEBER, DEB…HOW/WHY/WHEN I STARTED SEEING YOU ON F.B. I’M SORRY, BUT MY OLD MEMORY JUST ISNT WHAT IT USED TO BE…AND I GUESS IT REALLY DOESNT MATTER….BUT AFTER READING YOU OPEN MESSAGE ABOUT YOUR SON, AND YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES…YOU ARE TRULY AN AMAZING PERSON…IT SEMMS I HAVE MET YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND…BUT I CAN NOT RECALL…I JUST WANTED TO RESPOND TO YOUR MESSAGE…YOU DO NO HAVE TO GET BACK TO ME…AGAIN….JUST THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR F.B. POST…VERY POSITIVE…AND INSPIRING…JUST AS YOU ARE…MAY GOD ALWAYS BE WITH YOU AND BLESS YOU…IN HIS LOVE….KENTON MARTIN
Thank you for your story, Deb. As Easter approaches and I remember all the Easter baskets and fuss when my daughter was alive, I wonder what to make of this holiday now. A friend gave me a chocolate bunny recently. I keep it on my kitchen counter where I eat and write and think. The times we had with our children were beautiful. They were special times in our children’s eyes. I decided to be kind to myself about those times now, that my daughter would expect me to continue to love Easter and all the wonders of the season that I “gave” to her. Cheers!