Responding to Ten Things Every New Widow Should Know to Survive, Jean writes: I just lost my husband on 2/23/09. He passed away at the airport before taking the trip to the East Coast for the new job training. That was his first day of the new job since he was laid off last Christmas. He would have been 40 this month and we have two twin girls. They will be 1 this month as well. I don’t know what to do when I am alone. Everything seems so unreal. His mom blames everything on me. That adds more pain. I miss him terribly. He was my everything. I know I have to be strong but this is really hard to take. My babies are so young. They will never see him again and probably don’t remember him anymore. He was healthy. They couldn’t find the cause of the death so it makes me more angry and sad. After I read your article, I realized I am not alone and crazy. Thank you.
Beverly Chantalle McManus, Grief Companion, responds: Dear Jean, first of all, please accept our heartfelt shared sorrow for your loss. The death of your husband is so recent, and it’s no wonder you are feeling what you are feeling. You are right: you are not alone. We are so glad you reached out.
It is unfortunate that your mother-in-law is lashing out toward you at this hard time of shared loss. Please do not internalize her anger, but instead, consider viewing it from the perspective of a mother who has lost her baby and feels helpless and needs to blame someone, anyone. You are unfortunately bearing the brunt of her pain, but I hope you can somehow realize that you do not have to accept it. She has the right to feel how she feels, and you have the right to know that her feelings have nothing to do with you. If she is actively lashing out at you, consider limiting (or even ending) her exposure to you. The last thing you need at this time is even more burdens to carry, especially unwarranted ones.
All deaths are hard to take, to understand, to accept. But unexpected deaths, such as your husband’s, are especially hard, because you had no warning that when you kissed him goodbye that morning, you would never see him alive again. It is a major shock to the system, and it is going to take some time for your system to come to grips with what happened, to deal with the loss and pain, and to begin the healing process. Please be compassionate with yourself, and allow yourself time to feel what you’re feeling, time to process your emotions and memories, and time to take care of yourself. As the mother of two babies, I realize it may seem like I’m advising the impossible, but perhaps you could take up the offers of some friends or family and accept their offers to help. Consider asking them to take the babies for a few hours so you can have time to catch up with all your emotions.
Your daughters will have very limited memories of their daddy, but you will be able to keep their memories alive with stories you share about him — stories about why you fell in love with him, funny things he did, about how excited he was to welcome twins into his family, about how he loved to take care of them. Consider jotting down notes while they are fresh, so you can share them with the girls as they grow and begin to ask questions.
One of the best pieces of advice I received after my husband died was to carve out a space in my home, and a specific time each day to grieve. Knowing that my time for tears and grieving was “scheduled” enabled me to get through the day without the grief leaking into every aspect of the day. There are many things you’ll need to do in the days ahead, and it will be hard to get through some of these tasks, but if you know that you have set aside time later to grieve, it will be easier to pull yourself together and get through it.
Even though your mother-in-law is acting less than admirably, I hope you are feeling surrounded by love and support from other friends and relatives during this hard time. Please stay in touch and let us know how you’re doing.
Beverly Chantalle McManus lives in Northern California with her two daughters, who have each now graduated from college. She is Vice President and Treasurer of the Board of Directors for the Open to Hope Foundation, a bereavement facilitator and core team member of the Stepping Stones on your Grief Journey Workshops, and a frequent speaker and writer on the topic of loss and grief. In addition to grief support, she is also a marketing executive for professional services firms.
I feel your pain. I just lost my husband on 3/26/2009. I found him in bed non responsive. He left behind our 13 year old daughter our 2 and a half year old son and our nine month old daughter. He was my soul mate and my best friend. I wake up every morning wondering how I am going to make it through the day. If I didn’t have the kids I would be crawled up in bed just being miserable. I am very depressed and miserable. I miss him so much. There hasn’t been a good day since he has been gone. I cry all of the time. I try not to cry around the kids but that’s very hard to do at times. I just wonder will this pain ever go away.
Lisa, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. Please accept my sincere condolences. I know this is an awful time in your life, but want you to know you’re not alone. We are here to be your companions on your grief journey. I’m really glad you reached out.
I wonder if you’d consider trying to attend a grief workshop or counseling sessions. Especially with children in such a wide span of ages, you are going to need a lot of support and I have seen that the children can heal only as quickly as their parents heal. Don’t worry about crying … it is a very natural and useful part of your grief journey, and it’s okay for your children to see you cry at times. It lets them know it’s okay for them to cry too. Your hearts have been broken, so it’s natural that you are all feeling so very sad.
I’d like to encourage you to read this article — it has some specific ideas that might help you feel a little better right away. “Nature’s Remedy – Allowing the Universe to Embrace Us in Our Pain and Need” http://opentohopedeathofaspouse.com/death-of-a-spouse/contributing-authors/natures-remedy-allowing-the-universe-to-embrace-us-in-our-pain-and-need/
Most important of all, I hope you will soon realize that you have within yourself the strength to keep going. You don’t have to do it alone — just reach out. I hope that you’ll stay in touch and let us know how you’re doing.
Big Hugs,
Beverly
I am so glad I found you. I lost my husband to suicide in October of 2008 and it has been a very tough ride so far. Thankfully, I did not find him but spent 24 agonizing hours in the hospital after I took him off of life support watching him die. I laid across his body and screamed inside blaming myself.
We were only married 18 months and along with grief is the immense feeling of being cheated out of what should have been a lifetime together. He was an Iraqi war vet and it is frustrating because unless he lost his life in the line of duty, we get very little support from the VA. His family helped us immensely financially and has completely cut us off and blames me for his death. Initially, they harrassed me to the point where I had to cut communication off from them completely just to save my sanity. They still are very hostile despite my attempts to make peace.
I have 3 children from a previous marriage who absolutely adored John and are grieving as well. He also has two boys.
It has been 8 months since his death and the good days are really just days that I put the grief and horror to the back of my mind to get a break from it. I have gone to a support group one time but I was in a very angry stage and came out mad after I heard someone mention something about the grief being worse in year 2. I thought to myself, ” WHAT?? 2 years??!?!?!?! I dont want to be crying 2 years from now! I have things to do! ” It wasnt until later that I realized that my life is forever changed. 2 years will come and go and I will still be in grief….but that’s ok. So while it is still so raw, I am sadly becoming accustomed to being sad.
I dont think the pain will ever go away….we will simply get better at dealing with it.
so sorry to hear of your sudden loss, I also lost my husband suddenly to a cardiac arrest, and know that effect.
I wanted to invite you to another website to help ,
its called : for widows only
and online group for widow support
hope that helps
I lost my husband a month ago today. I feel what you did- I don’t want to be crying 2 years from now. I don’t want to be crying at all..but I am…day after day…I have realized, life will never be the same, normal is gone. I have a lot of support around me. My faith is strong. But at the end of the day, I still turn down one side of the bed. We were only married 3 years- it was my second marriage- after a painful first one…I try not to question God’s soviernty – …I am trying to find out who I am without him. I have no answers…my heart hurts, and I wait for the day when I can say, yes, I am going to be ok.
Cindy, thanks for your note. I’m so sorry about your husband. I hope that as you’ve done your grief work, you’re beginning to find a “new normal,” building new memories, and feeling stronger every day. Wishing you all the best on your grief journey!