By Stephanie Frogge —
Some years ago, what began as date night for my boyfriend and me with a rented copy of “Random Hearts” ended with an unexpected discussion of the nature of grief and expressions of mourning. The movie and our subsequent reactions to it helped frame my understanding of what constitutes normal grief reaction.
“Random Hearts” (1999) stars Harrison Ford and Kristin Scott Thomas as strangers who become acquainted when their respective spouses are killed in a plane crash. As the story unfolds, we begin to suspect that Dutch Van Den Broeck (Ford), a detective with the Washington, DC Metropolitan Police Department, and Congresswoman Kay Chandler (Thomas) are emotionally detached, not as a result of their high-power jobs, but rather that they’ve found positions that allow them to engage in the world intellectually rather than emotionally.
Stunned by the death of his wife, Van Den Broeck begins to reexamine their marriage and uncovers mounting evidence that suggests she was in a relationship with Chandler’s husband and that the two were traveling together when they were killed.
In one memorable scene, the now spouseless characters are inside Van Den Broeck’s car. He has convinced Chandler to come with him to look at some evidence, and they both come to the realization that their suspicions are true and that everything they believed about their lives and their marriages have been called into question. They look at one another and suddenly their grief explodes into something else and they begin to kiss passionately.
It’s a very sexy scene and I looked over to my boyfriend to gauge his reaction. The room was suitably dark for movie-watching and I couldn’t see his face but I heard these words:
“I don’t get it.”
Ah well, so much for romance. Although my boyfriend couldn’t quite understand why two people who didn’t even seem to like each other much were suddenly groping one another in a car like teenagers, it illustrated for me a phenomena that I often see in my work with survivors of homicide. Risky, out-of-character behavior can serve as a way to counter the shock and pain of a terrible loss and by its very intensity, serves as a reminder that there are other sensations and experiences besides the seemingly endless pain.
Although the grief literature contains little insight into the role of sexual behavior following the death of a loved one, anecdotally I believe that it’s relatively common. Passion may be one of the few emotions that can be as intense as grief and may even provide a temporary respite.
Dr. Jennie Barr agrees. A licensed marriage and family therapist in Austin, Texas, specializing in trauma, she believes that such behavior can indicate one of two things. Risky, self-destructive behavior may be an expression of grief that questions the person’s desire to go on without the loved one. But it can also be an antidote for numbness and pain because you feel something that is life affirming. Through the behavior the person is saying, “I need to feel again.”
“Random Hearts” is not a movie about grief per se, but it illustrates the reality that coping with grief is as individual as the person experiencing it. For some, that may include behaviors that would otherwise be considered out-of-character but that are dramatic and life-affirming.
Tags: grief, hope, signs and connections