The very painful losses of loved ones can perhaps only be made less devastating by giving them substance beyond the devastation.
Over time painful grief can be reshaped into something less confined to hopelessness and pain, and more open to faith, hope and healing; and anger and frustration into something less corrosive and more forgiving of self and others.
If there is to be real purpose for life, death and human tragedy, I think we must seek it out and embrace it as a part of our own existence.
My daughter and grandson were involved in a terrible car accident, it was just an accident. My daughter was driving and turned a corner a little too wide and went down in the shoulder, she over corrected and ran her car into the other lane and straight into a work van. My daughter survived with some internal injuries, a factored foot and lots of bruises and cuts. My grandson, Kaydin, did not survive – as my daughter told me she saw the EMT’s pulling his lifeless body out through the window. I get the call that I need to come to the hospital – I rush there only to be told to sit down and wait, someone would come out and talk to me soon – I finally get called back to one of those rooms with a young lady sitting there. Still nobody would tell me what happened other than to update me on my daughters condition – I kept telling them that they needed to let me get back to my grandson because if his mommy is hurt he is going to be scared and needs me – and still nobody had told me he had already died.
I thank God every day for sparing my daughter – but I curse him for taking my little grandson. Kaydin was my life, I practically raised him as his mom tried to grow up – he spend every weekend with and would always asked me when he got to my house ” how long to I get to stay” and I would tell him not to worry about it, lets enjoy our time together. His 6th birthday is coming up on October 16th and Kaydin and I were planning a Disney Cruise for his birthday, we would be boarding the ship on his birthday – I had arranged for so many surprises for him – and we were talking planes, trains, automobiles and a ship. We were both so excited and now I am having to deal with his death and cancelling all these plans.
My grief runs so deep, I cry constantly even now nearly 4 weeks after. If I am not crying I still have this terrible pain in my chest that never goes away. My anger is directed at anybody and everybody. How could God take my baby away from me, Why would he take such a precious child away. What is my purpose in life now that he is gone.
I have tried to go back to work a few times, but it is exhausting trying to do deal with people and work issues when my heart and mind were with Kaydin. I went to my Dr. and asked for something to make me numb, it hurt too much, but he said I needed to go through these feelings.
I am scared, I am tired, I hurt, I cry and nobody can tell me it gets better. Friends who have lost children tell me that eventually you learn to interact in your new normal life, but the pain is always there.
I have talked with my Pastor and we have a beautiful memorial scheduled for the 18th. But my faith wavers. I want to believe that Kaydin is in heaven and his happy. He was always so close to God. I took him to buy a cross for him to wear to church so he would stop wearing this plastic green one he got somewhere – he was so precise on which cross he wanted, the sales lady was showing him how to keep it clean and he listened and came home and cleaned his cross every weekend. In Sunday school one Sunday they learned about Jesus shedding his blood for our sins – a week or so later I told him we could paint his dresser and what color did he want it – He told me after thinking for a minute “Nana. I think we need to paint it Red, because red is the color of blood, the blood that Jesus shed for me”. Why would God take such a beautiful testament to his presense….why could he not let us keep him on earth. I hear Kaydin’s voice all through the house – Nana, watch this cool trick, Nana, do you think we could watch something we can watch together, Nana, I love you to the moon and back.
Why, why, why did he have to die, and why if going to heaven is supposed to be such a great thing does it cause those left behind so much pain?
Dear Rene, I am truly very sorry for your loss of your precious grandson. To lose any loved one is incredibly difficult, but to lose a child is unimaginable to most people and your fear, exhaustion and anger is understandable. If you are angry with God right now that is okay. He created us all and understands better than anyone our confusion and anger when terrible things happen.
I have lost loved ones to cancer and suicide (among other things), and while I don’t believe God makes bad things happen, I know it is very difficult to understand why terrible things happen and accept that it is so when it touches our own lives. Human life is vulnerable rather than invincible, perhaps because we are only meant to be on this earth for temporarily. But for those who believe it’s so, our souls live on forever and we will be together with our loved ones again one day, in God’s time.
There is a very special fellowship between people who have lost their precious loved ones, because no one can fully understand the depth of this kind of pain unless they have experienced it. Please continue to build strong support around yourself and your daughter through your church and grief support groups and other resources.
I do believe my life, your life and every life has purpose even beyond our devastating losses, and I hope you can one day believe that again, too. And as a Christian I also believe that each passing hour, day, month and year is a spiritual journey back to our loved ones, and not one that take us further away from them as it may feel. Those are the things I build my own hope upon. My prayers are with you and your family. ~John Pete
Sept.12 2014 i was planning with my husband what to do in our anniversary which will be the following day, and then he received a phone call where a man was confronting my husband to be the lover of his wife or fiance.. i left him that night, expecting that he will explain me later what really happen, but in that moment i was so angry that i left him, but he never did. and the same night i found out that my exhusband the father of my children was in the hospital. And four days later my exhusband died. and one month later my husband asked for the divorce. I really could not describe my feelings right now. i still numb or in shock. that’s why this Saturday alone i am here looking for help.
Dear Nancy, this is a lot for anyone to deal with and I am sorry for all you are going through right now. Support is always so important to help us when we are overwhelmed by losses of any kind, and I am hopeful that you have family and others around you right now. You do not have to take this all on by yourself, and you do have to take it on all at once.
It is important to remind yourself often that you are not alone and if you have not already done so, please check with local hospices, hospitals and churches for grief support groups and related resources in your area. And if you are interested also check out Grief Streets Peer Support Group on Facebook, a private peer grief support group whose members support one another through daily conversations and posting related to losses, grief, hope and healing. Peace and healing to you, ~John Pete