Five Tips After the Death of a Child

From the moment you get the news that your child has died, you are thrust into a surreal world. People are calling—including doctors, nurses, detectives, police, coroners, and funeral directors. You are disoriented, yet there are decisions that require your attention and macabre tasks you must attend to. Most of us rise to the occasion and react later. When you look back, you will undoubtedly wonder, “How did I get through that?”

You will also be emotionally and physically confused for a long time. Take care of your mind and body and move slowly. You’re in shock, the mind/body’s way of protecting itself. The shock will wear off when you are ready for it to; you can’t speed it up.

When Dan died, Becky said she felt like her body had been hit by a truck. She asked, “How does my body know what my mind has been through?” Bodies and minds are one and the same and both need care and patience.

Naive people may try to equate your tragedy with something that happened to them, but unless they, too, have lost a child, they won’t really understand what you are experiencing. Their comments may feel unempathetic or even hurtful. You may want to avoid such people even if they mean well, because you deserve to put your own needs first.

The following tips are based on what helped me and other people I’ve interviewed.

Tip 1: Keep Company

Have other people with you, even if you don’t want to talk. Have them show up, whether with food, sweets, wine, or nothing at all. Having food around helps, even if you don’t eat it. The week after Dan died, there were four whole cooked chickens in my fridge—each sent over by a different couple.

When I opened my fridge and saw the chickens sitting on their refrigerator shelves, I felt loved and supported, even though I don’t particularly like chicken.

Tip 2: Sit, Eat, Rest

Pain and shock take a lot out of you. Have people you trust make sure you are taking care of yourself. I requested that my friends keep an eye on me, seeing that I ate enough, got out of the house enough, and got enough rest. I also told them to make sure I didn’t drink too much, since I tend to calm myself with wine and I didn’t want to wind up with a secondary problem like alcoholism.

Parents who have lost a child can be prone to depression, which can manifest as overeating, over-drinking, over-medicating, insomnia, or other problems. This is when it is crucial to watch yourself and have others watch you too and, if necessary, to reach out to a professional for help.

Besides relying on friends, when my son died, I also made an appointment with my primary care physician just to let her know what was happening. Extreme stress can do serious damage, so I wanted to be as preemptive as possible in avoiding potential medical and mental problems.

Tip 3: Accept Lots of Hugs (or Not)

After such a profound loss, it is normal to crave human contact. Even though I am not usually a demonstrative person, I was glad to have peoples’ hugs. Even people I didn’t know all that well sometimes offered hugs, and I truly appreciated it. Then again, you might recoil from human contact. Whichever way you feel is okay and normal and you should feel free to go with it.

Tip 4: Decline Unsolicited Spiritual Advice

If people offer you their personal philosophies on death, the meaning of life and/or the afterlife, tell them to refrain.

Parents who’ve lost children are often besieged by platitudes. People may say things to you like “Maybe your child is better off” or “God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.” These comments can be particularly unhelpful.

Unless you’ve solicited someone’s opinion about such matters, you probably don’t want to hear it. Feel free to say this isn’t the right time. Sometimes people feel the need to share their views on the afterlife. Perhaps they believe in heaven, or maybe they don’t. Again, if their views offer you comfort, go ahead and listen to them. But if you’re like me and you don’t want to hear them, say so.

Tip 5: Go Out or Stay In

Going out in public after such a heavy loss is complex. Sometimes it feels good to get out to the movies, dinner, or a show. It can also be good to go to a party or other type of celebration. But I always give myself an out and allow myself to cancel at the last minute or to leave early or whenever I please.

My first instinct after Daniel’s funeral and first wave of necessary tasks had been completed was to resume my life and continue doing whatever I would have done normally. But there were times I felt like I had no skin on. When my husband and I did venture out, people who knew about our loss sometimes looked at us oddly. We found that offensive, so we began to alternate between going out and cocooning, such as having dinner at home and sitting in front of the TV for an hour or two. Bingeing on TV shows can be very comforting if you don’t feel like reading or doing anything else too taxing.

This is an excerpt from Grief From the Inside Out: Creating Meaning Around the Loss of a Child from Substance Abuse or Suicide, By Fran Gerstein, MSW, LCSW.

Read more by Fran on Open to Hope: Do’s and Don’ts of Self-Care After the Loss of a Child – Open to Hope

Fran Gerstein

Fran Gerstein, MSW, LCSW is a psychotherapist and grief specialist. Grief from the Inside Out is an intimate portrait of the first two years of her family’s grief journey, including her children’s art work, her husband’s family photographs, and her poetry and prose. Since the loss of her son, Daniel, in 2014 she has focused on helping family members survive the loss of a loved one to substance abuse or suicide and runs a support group for parents called Life After Loss in Rosemont, PA. Fran has published personal and professional articles in the Philadelphia Inquirer, clinical social work journals, and for a book called Psychotherapist Revealed. She has served as an adjunct faculty for the University of Pennsylvania, Bryn Mawr School of Social Work and Jefferson University. She is a frequent lecturer on topics including family therapy, couple’s work, eating disorders, and grief.