As the weather finally begins to catch up with the seasons, I find myself
looking back. Beyond the still blue waters and flowered meadows. Back to the
time when the only contrast to the vast expanses of ice were the dirt streaked
mountains of accumulated snow.
When I think about this year’s record snowfall and sub zero temperatures I
can not help but see the similarities between the brutality of winter and the
unrelenting nature of grief. The bitterness and isolation, the amassing woe and
the agony of every step.
It will be five years in August since my son Brandon suddenly passed away. Which
is confounding to me because it seems like an instant and an eternity across
the same span of time. The days and years blending together into one endless
conundrum. My outlook unchanged by the passing of time or the changing of the
seasons. Which seems fitting considering that my hope and ambition are still
frozen in time.
Conversely, the warmer the days get, the more I seem to suffer. My anger and
anxiety continuously rising with the temperature and humidity. In the winter, the
bitterness was like a mirrored shield, my discontent merely a reflection of the
misery that everyone was struggling to endure.
Though now the warm weather has transformed peoples mood, most everyone is upbeat and pleasant.
Which in some strange way compounds my misery. Perhaps it is because Brandon died on a hot
summer day or maybe it is just the hints and whispers of those horrific days
still hanging on the air. Which ever the case, it makes even the brightest
summer day seem unbearable.
When I think back to the blissful summers we had when our children were
young, one story always comes to mind. We had planned a long weekend at an
amusement park a few hours away from our home. When we arrived, we bought our
passes and scurried to drop off the luggage in our hotel room.
That is when it it began to rain. Not just a drizzle instead it was an all day down pour.
My wife, daughter and I were beside ourselves, feeling completely frustrated and
annoyed. But not Brandon. He always had the sunniest of dispositions and the
brightest of outlooks. As the rest of us grumbled and complained, he would
periodically get up and look out the window. Even though the storm sprawled out
endlessly in all directions, he would repeatedly say, “The blue skies are
coming, I can see ’em.”
That small bit of hope was enough to continually draw us to the window, only to again gaze upon the persistence of the storm.
Eventually, we were able to spend some time enjoying the park, but to this day,
we all agree that his comedic redundancy was the highlight of the trip.
I often ponder the nature of such an optimistic view. As I continue to suffer
though my own emotional storm, I wonder if the day will come when the sky will
seem a little bluer and my outlook on the world, a little brighter. Perhaps then
I will have the ability to look beyond the dreariness of my days and focus
solely on the brilliance of my son.
My name is David Lee. I am from Malaysia of Chinese ethnicity. It is almost 96 hours since my son of 21 years old of age, Jonathan Lee Jun Hoe passed away suddenly in his sleep. Autopsy showed that everything was fine. No swelling in his brain. His heart condition was next to perfect. His lungs were fantastic. With this result, even a cruel closure was not found.
96 hours ago, my wife (Susanna) and I were getting ready to attend a celebration in the neighborhood, we decide to invite our only son 21 years old Jonathan Lee along. He was then in his room. We called out to him and on seeing no response from him, we went to knock on his door of which was locked. Still, there was only silence. After a few minutes, we start to panic and decide to use the spare key to enter his room. To our horror, we see him lying face down in the pillow on the bed. We quickly turn him around and what we saw was the most horrifying sight any parent can go through. Half his face and his lips were blue. We immediately try to apply CPR but there was no response. We screamed for our 18 years daughter (Samantha) for help to call for an ambulance. Sensing that the ambulance will take a while to come, we decide to get our neighbors’ help instead. Shortly, my daughter managed to get a few neighbors to come to our aid and carry my son into my car. I drove and send him to the nearest hospital but he never regained consciousness.
Ours hearts were broken into dust. My son just graduated from Greenwich University, London, UK with an Upper Second Class Honors in Bachelors of Arts in Accounting and Finance. This is a three year course of which he did in two. He was on his holiday waiting for the award ceremony getting ready to further his study in Master of Finance from University of Staffordshire, UK. Incredibly, his academic achievements do not even come close his other achievements. My daughter broadcast his demise in the Facebook to inform his friends all over the world and university mate. The respond were overwhelming. Most spoke of how my son has inspired and bring a different perspective to their lives. We did not know this. We stayed in the same house and shared meals on the same table with him but did not know that he touches so many lives in his 21 years of life. He has started doing this even while in his primary school. He counseled and lead many to make good decision at many junction of their lives.
48 hours after his passing, we held a wake service for him so that relatives and friends can pay their last respect. Incredibly, strangers by the hundreds attended. Hearing their testimonies touched us and even inspired us. However, the guilt of not knowing the goodness in our son is just as overpowering. Incidentally, there seems to be so many other things to be guilty about. There are so many ‘should haves and if only’.
However, the worse would have been from the time of his passing away until his cremation. It was unreal and time stood still. Our hearts actually have panic rush beating extremely fast trying to adjust to the fear of not seeing him ever again while on the other hands we are trying to face up to the reality that he was really gone. We were listless with our mind switching back and fro between accepting that his passing away is the will of God and yet fearing of the future without him. The emptiness and the pain seem beyond redemption. It is a case of fear fighting with faith. The faith that my son Jonathan being a Christian as we all are, were called back to be with our Lord Jesus. Despite of this acknowledgement we were tearing from our eyes and from our hearts.
We imagine how much we are going to miss him whenever we revisit the places we have been together. We imagine how much we are going to miss him whenever we do the things we did together. We imagine how much we are going to miss him whenever we talk about the topics that we have discussed before. We imagine how much we are going to miss him whenever we eat his favorite meal. We imagine how much we are going to miss him whenever we see an advertisement in the media on Master Degree programs. There are so many things or events that can remind us of him. We felt absolutely boxed in and helpless and still are.
The mix of guilt, the pain, the anger and fear is overwhelming. At times, it easily overcame our shallow faith in our Lord Jesus Christ and sent us into frenzies of tears. It is sometimes tears of anger directing seeming at the injustice of him passing away so young. It is sometimes tears of desperation knowing that we are not going to see him anymore. It is sometimes tears of guilt thinking back the ‘if only’ and ‘should haves’. However, most times it is tears of anguish and pain. We were desperate.
In desperation, we find comfort in the little faith we have that my son was called back to heaven by God. As the apostle Paul says, ‘I have fought a good fight and finish the race’. Most of all, seeing all the people he has touched, inspired and helped, we knew he was an imitator of Christ and truly live up to the calling of ‘For me to live is Christ and to die is gain’. With this, we also believed that he is at a far better place in the protective and comforting arms of our Heavenly Father. In desperation, we also found comfort from the recognition of his deeds by the testimonies revealed during the wake service. We were also encouraged by kind and comforting words of friends and relatives.
It is now 96 hours, despite the overwhelming support especially from my sister and my sister-in-law, we have not really adapted. Maybe, we will never be able to adapt but hopefully we can move forward even with this burden of pain and anguish. This is truly a distortion against the flow of nature where the children are supposed to outlive the parents. This has been imputed in us since the day we understand our culture. In the olden days in our culture the old are not to send off the young relatives in funeral. This is modern day and being a Christian we send him off thanking the transformation of this customs. The last rite was incredibly painful seeing my boy, Jonathan being lowered into the chamber for cremation.
We will need a lot of time to calm this raw pain but I suspect the rawness will never fully heal. We will always miss him especially in times when we come across the events that remind us of him. However, we will move on. We will move on as a family hopefully learning how to treat each better, with patience, with kindness, with selflessness and with the kind of sacrificial love that my son Jonathan Lee have for this world inspiring and helping so many.
Those who witness the outpouring of well wishes and testimonies commented that he is quite Christ like as in his death he even inspire more close and love ones. My sister said this;
‘Jonathan did not live in mansion. He did not own a car to drive around and he did not jet sett around the world but he manage to inspire and influence benefiting so many. Isn’t this better than having all the materials blessing yet none of his deeds’? Many believe that Jonathan were taken back by God before he experience moral decay as he progress academically and eventually into the job market just as Jesus do not experience bodily decay or just Enoch taken up and he was no more. The society has its way of getting to anyone just as Peter denied Jesus 3 times. Personally, I believe Jonathan Lee, my son was born of the amazing grace of God, live the amazing grace of God and die with the amazing grace of God. If not with the amazing of God, surely he will not be able to do what he did.
I just want to thank Open to Hope for this opportunity to express myself which become part of my healing process. I also want to thank all those who attended his wake and funeral service. Most of all, I want to thank those friends who commented in the Facebook from all around the world which led us to know our son better even after his passing. What we know about after his passing actually inspire us more than what we know about him while he was alive. Actually, what we know about him after his passing compound upon what we know about him while he was alive. We start to realize never seeing him bad mouthing anyone. We start to realize never seeing giving up on anyone. We start to realize that most of times he is with a smile with consistent joyful outlook. We start to realize that he never disrespect anyone, young or elderly and even has a big heart for animals. We realize what an almost perfect gentleman he is. We start to realize how amazing for him to complete his 3 years undergraduate program in 2 years. We actually under complimented him in his life time. We, to continue his legacy, we are planning to start a foundation under his name, The Jonathan Lee Jun Hoe Education Foundation to support, 1 – 3 needy students to study postgraduate program (Master). This way, he can continue his selflessness by giving to others what he was not able to experience because of his passing away.
I will pray that God will receive Jonathan in His bosom rendering to him the mansion and the crown of life due to his many Christ like deed and for finishing the race intended for him. I pray that God will heal our wounds. I pray that God will never let us forget Jonathan’s walking testimony of love, joy, peace, kindness, respect and perseverance that we will conform to for the rest of our lives. I pray that God will provide the resources and guidance to initiate the foundation and render it great success. I pray that God will give grace and mercy to those who lost their loved ones so that the path will be easier to walk on. Lastly, I pray that Open to Hope will always itself be an inspiration to all who are hurt and wounded in the heart. Thank you.