Men go through all kinds of identity changes when they experience the loss of a child, especially a child who is older and has lived long enough to create established memories with his or her father.
A man identifies himself by mainly two things: the job he has and the family he has. When a child is taken away by death, a man suddenly loses the largest, most important part of his identity. A real crises situation has been created, not just for the father, but also for role the father plays with the family. Fathers love to feel needed, and they love to feel like they are the one responsible for the happiness of the entire family.
Men are far less verbal than women by nature, and it makes it much more difficult for family members and friends to understand the changes that are taking place with a father loses a child. He often feels like a failure because he was unable to prevent the death or to fix the death once it took place. This is especially true if the child’s life was lost due to an illness.
Fathers often believe their role is to fix things that are broken or in need of repair, and when they cannot fix their child’s illness and the end result is death, a father goes through a deep grieving period of feeling tremendous guilt and failure.
A father who loses a child also loses such a large part of his dreams. Fathers don’t always openly talk about their dreams of hunting and fishing with their children, or of taking bike rides together, going to ball games together or of tossing a ball in the backyard, but they think about these events all of the time.
Fathers of girls daydream about walking their daughter down the aisle and dancing that first dance at the wedding. They dream about taking care of all of their child’s hurts, wiping their tears away, and being called “hero” for all of the ways they show their strength to their son or daughter.
Child loss, in a father’s eyes, often represents weakness. Men believe fathers are to be strong and in charge, not at a loss for knowing what to do when death turns life upside down. Child loss is such a helpless feeling, and often this is a foreign emotion for fathers who have been a tower of strength for their children.
What is a father to do? How can a father go on and feel whole once again?
It takes time to work through the pain of loss. It takes a long time to build back a feeling of belonging as a father. It will often take years for a father to be able to reclaim his identity of a father. It will take lots of working through feelings of failure and loss to feel like a man who can always proudly wear the name father.
Take it a day at a time, a step at a time. Begin by telling yourself over and over that you will always be a father. Nothing can change that–not even death. Remind yourself often that some things cannot be fixed by you. Remember often that lost dreams are part of the pain every parent feels when a child dies. It takes a lot of tears and years to work past the milestone markers of such things as dreams of your child playing ball, driving a car, dating, getting married, and having children.
These are not easy dreams to release, but with time you will be able to more vividly remember the times you had with your child than to sorrow over the time you never had. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. And, when you fall into the emotional pain of feeling like a failure, remind yourself that you will always be a father and nothing can take away that badge of honor, not even death.
Tags: grief, hope
HARDLY COPING…Having lost my daughter in Oct 20 /2008 my wife Marion was the strength when I missed my wee lass…Now I have also lost my treasured Marion just past on Oct 21 /2014.Now alone I spend my nights trying to cope but so many many times cry for my lovely Marion…I just cannot imagine my life ahead without the joy of my beautifull girls..My memorial website above has my story in detail. This time of happiness is heartbreaking for me as the days go on..The only support I have now is my Son In Law who has been part of Mum and my life for over 35 years..What I would do without him coming in for dinner each night I just cannot imagine
As a man, why am I not disappointed to find nary a website wherein a man writes about the loss of his child?
What I have found are sites written by women about men. It’s nauseating.
I lost my near 35 year old daughter on March 15, 2010.
I am now 75. I still cry. I miss my little girl emensely (sp). I am single. But, I am ticked that I have not found a website written by a man, a father, for men.
I am a man. I do not need a woman telling me how I feel or should feel about the loss of my daughter. I truly do not.
I am totally lost with no motivation or direction. Don’t know how to stop crying. Afraid that depression may take hold.
Great advice in attached article.
Greetings Clara I was particularly struck by your article and the subsequent response from Mr. Tyner about the lack of fathers talking about loss and that his experience is that it was largely women, and perhaps professionals talking about the loss of a child. I wanted to express my sadness for Mr. Tyner’s losses and to also commend you for talking about such a hot button area for many fathers. I too lost a child (my son Andrew) 18 years ago and have just now embarked on a journey to reach out to parents who have lost a child. My greatest interest is in reaching men who are still navigating their loss and may be stuck in their journey. I have a term I’ve used in my talks “Men lock so much of their pain into a concrete sarcophagus of containment” that seems to chronicle many fathers experience in loss. I too had to rely on literature that was largely written by women and this was a huge impetus for my writing a book. I am in the process of releasing my book and your support and/or collaboration opportunities are welcomed.
Often there is no words to describe the feeling of loosing a child. My beautiful son passed away last month in a bike accident, he was almost 13 years old. My life has crumble and I feel that my daughters are taking better care of me because I am at a total lose and wish I could fix my boy just the way I fix everything in our lives. As a father, as a man I feel those described thoughts and emotions as described by Clara Hinton, having to let go but not forget the future dreams, That not even death can change the fact that I am and always be a father. Nobody is perfect but I loved my boy with all my heart, I will find the strength for my son and I will take take of his sisters and mom. I love my wife and daughters but right now I am dealing with the deepest sadness I’ve ever felt in my life . The lose of my boy meant to lose so much, his passion for motocross was going to go far and be great. I know he would have grown to be a good man, a good father to his kids after meeting his wife. I lost so much is hard o put it all here. Thank you Clara Hinton