Six months is just pinpoint on a timeline of 52 years! Yet those six months seemed like the beginning and the end of my life. Life began for me six months ago when I met Tom. Then my life  ended  when he died. Six months out of a possible 25 years of enjoying earthly pleasures, and enjoying each other’s lives. So certain that we were going to get married, fulfilling God’s plan for us.

Now his life is forever changed — he is in Heaven gazing at Jesus, in perfect peace and joy. Now my life is forever changed because I have to live here on earth, praying to Jesus asking for answers and searching for joy again.

Now it’s been one month into my new life. A life I never imagined before. Everyday is consumed with struggling to understand what I am to do next; a life without a dream now. God must comfort me and tell me life is still worth living. I have to forgive God for taking my boyfriend. I have to try and comprehend why this was part of God’s Plan.

I am so weary, ready to give up. I look back on my past life and see all the shattered dreams that I had and was able to survive and was able to move on: a husband of three years who disappeared without so much as a goodbye; a husband of 13 years that broke his vows and committed adultery. So one would think this loss would be easy to absorb and move on. But this is different. Why? Because this is my first death experience.

I had no part in this loss; there was no argument to recant; I can’t solve this one with a second chance; I can’t say let’s work this out; I can’t even say goodbye.

This is my first real LOSS with death. This was a sudden death; this is a living being that is no longer on this earth. This is about knowing that this person still loves me with all of his heart; this is about believing that his spirit is watching over me somehow; this is about knowing that he is in heaven waiting for me. I believe in Heaven; I believe life there is unimaginable and glorious. This is about wanting to be in Heaven next to him and Jesus.

My loving thoughts of Tom are now swallowed with tears of sorrow instead of joy. I am told to have hope. What I hope for now is an incurable disease that would end my life sooner here on earth. My joy is not of this world any more. My joy is to be in Heaven. I don’t feel a part of this world anymore. I see now that this life here is only temporary and filled with experiences that will prepare me for my eternal life with God.

Dear God, comfort me through this valley and show me what to do this next month.

Simone

Drs. Gloria and Heidi respond

Dear Simone,

We are so very sorry for your loss.  One month is such a very short time just as six months is a pinpoint on a 52 year timeline. Grieving a beloved is very hard and very painful work   and, it is work.  There are few words that can console and bring even a brief respite in the beginning.  Know that even though the pain never goes completely away, there will be a time when you can breathe again and some meaning returns to your everyday life.

We encourage you to be gentle with yourself. Don’t rush into any major decisions, take some time for yourself to rest, to grieve, and to do kind deeds and pampering for yourself. We wish we could tell you how long it takes but grief has no rules, no time frame and no right or wrong way of going about it. Each person grieves in his or her own time and own way.

We encourage you to find a grief group so you can talk about Tom with those who understand. Hospice, your local hospital and/or your church can probably recommend one for you. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone.  If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.

Blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi