It’s the end of the day, the end of the week, the end of the month.
The cat’s in the cradle and the dog’s in the yard.
Or, is it the other way around?
You peel one last sticky stamp off a roll, place it on one last envelope, breathe one soft sigh of relief and like a kid with a cupcake, you congratulate yourself for getting through — One more day, one more week, one more month, maybe one more year — Without Him.
Just as soon as you drop those stamped envelopes in the corner mailbox, you plan a celebratory cup of coffee. You zip your jacket and step through the door and just when you thought it was safe to go out, that moon in the sky hits like an axe in the eye.
In an instant you experience a flash back and you’re transported suddenly to another time. A time when He was alive, a time when He held your hand, a time when the two of you stood, perhaps in the very same doorway, gazing at that moon in the sky, the one that you’re looking at now — Alone.
The next thing you know, you’re crying uncontrollably.
You’re wasted!
And you don’t understand.
No.
You’re not crazy.
You’re grieving!
Though your grief feels endless, I’m here to tell you, everything will be okay.
For you, the new widow, this is normal.
Just remember these three things:
1. Be Confident! Don’t Be Cocky!
In addition to the stages of grief we’ve all been warned about, i.e., anger, sorrow, acceptance, etcetera. Guess what? There’s one more you must add to the list: Cockiness.
While it’s normal to bust out crying when you least expect it, and it’s okay to toast your new found freedom, remind yourself, though you may feel on top of the world one moment, on the slippery slope of grief, it’s not unusual to take one step forward and slide two steps back.
The death of a spouse is a lot to process. By the light of the silvery moon, it’s not unusual to feel joy one moment and sadness the next.
So be confident. Not cocky. And don’t be ashamed of your tears.
2. Be Focused!
All widows have difficulty with this one. Like an ADD child off her Ritalin, a new widow struggles to maintain concentration performing the simplest of tasks. Reading a mass card, writing a thank you note, even painting our lips can feel like rocket science. Don’t be concerned. Your fuzzy thinking is temporary. But until you’re back to reciting the Gettysburg Address backwards, you, the new widow, must teach yourself to breathe — before you begin a task.
Sounds trite, I know. But try it.
Just place your right hand on your belly, and your left hand on your chest.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Now put your best foot forward. Make it your right foot.
And go from there.
Because in order to live again, without Him, you, the new widow, must learn to breathe again. Without Him!
3. Be Happy!
I know it’s hard. You think you will never smile again. But you can and you will. Think happy thoughts.
Then rent funny movies.
And watch them!
Do it.
Even if you must watch them alone.
Can’t sleep?
Watch reruns of I Love Lucy, Seinfeld, Burns & Allen, South Park, Adult Swim, The Simpson’s, Family Guy, and others.
Then laugh!
Laugh!
Laugh!
Don’t know funny stories? Don’t know names of funny movies?
For crying out loud, put on a happy face, get out the house, and go ask someone at a bereavement group, a church social, or the librarian at your local library to share their favorite funny story.
The act of speaking up, reaching out, and making contact with another human being will help you get through your grief.
You, the new widow, are now part of an elite club, the club that takes no volunteers and nobody wants to join. Your life is changed forever. And there will be times, times when you least expect it, that past memories like a silent tsunami will flood your brain and trigger a tidal wave of tears. But, if you remember three things outlined above, you will be prepared.
And the next time your peepers gaze at that old devil moon, your brain will sing pizza pie in the sky, not axe in the eye. You may even laugh out loud, again and again, all the way to the corner mailbox.
Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and a widow. She writes for new widows and helps them as they process their grief. She wants every widow to know that we’re not alone. Della Donna makes her home with her small dog, Izzy, and his little cat, Tux, 20 miles north of where the World Trade Center used to be. You can learn more about Della Donna by visiting her blog – http://griefcase.blogspot.com and her web site – http://www.littleredmailbox.com – Got a writing assignment? E-mail Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com.
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