You’re home now — From the cemetery — Just closed the door on an endless line of well-wishing-filled-with-advice strangers who didn’t know what to say but talked endlessly anyway, and now that they’re gone you know you will never see or hear from most of them ever again.
Your hair smells of roses and gladioli and you secretly wish for a giant eraser to erase all the pain.
You’ve just buried your life partner; your husband, your best friend. As Joan Didion says, “Life changes fast.”
He’s gone now and like it or lump it, you’re not.
You stand before your mirror stiff as a stick wondering out loud, “What now?” You ask yourself, “Where do I go? What do I do with the rest of my life without him?”
Like a crust of bread the W word sticks in the back of your throat as you ponder your future and process the reality you are alone.
Welcome to my world.
Though I do not hold the answers to your questions (no one does), I share three secret things that will guide you on your journey. Mourning the death of a spouse is different for every widow. Each one of us must beat the bushes and blaze our own separate trail. You, the newly widowed, must dream a new dream.
It is scary. But I’m here to tell you, you can, and you will, get through this difficult time.
Here are three secret things to guide you:
Keep a JOY-nal
It can be as expensive as a leather-bound book with gold edged pages; or as cheap as hard-covered composition notebooks from the dollar store.
I purchase spiral bound notebooks, buy them by the dozen, one for each month of the year, paste them with pictures of him front and back, scribble first pages with favorite quotes in magic markers in every color of the rainbow, and carry one everywhere.
Need a topic to get started? You, the newly widowed, have only to look out your window for inspiration.
List ten things — The first ten things your eyes see.
Be specific.
Don’t write bird, write blue jay; don’t write tree; write flowering plum.
Get the picture? Good. That’s the point.
Write about the weather.
Stick your thoughts in the clouds, write about that.
Discover what I call “mourning joys” — A found parking space in a crowded shopping mall; a copper penny Lincoln’s head up, green lights for six blocks, a cup of tea you didn’t make. Write it.
The loss of a spouse is a humbling experience and leaves you numb and dumb. But scheduling a time to write for five minutes every day will aid in connecting you to your mind, teach you to focus, and help ground your thoughts. You’ll discover a hidden part of you, you never knew existed.
Breathe.
That’s write.*pun intended* Practice breathing. Think of it as your job.
Place your right hand on your belly, left hand on your chest.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Feel your breath rush through your nose and out your mouth.
Whenever you feel stressed, perhaps when merry mailman delivers an overdue hospital bill, when housebroken dog crawls under bed and pukes chicken bones scavenged out the garbage, when you think you just can’t control those tears one minute more — Breathe.
Embrace Life.
Hug a tree.
Hug your children, your grandchildren.
What’s that? Got nobody to hug?
Ask your neighbor if you can hug her. Ask if you can hug her children, her grandchildren.
You’ll make a friend and you’ll feel good, too.
Hug your dog. Hug your cat. Cradle the fishbowl.
Heck. Throw your arms around yourself and squeeze!
It’s not easy losing a life partner. Nothing will be the same without him. Adjustment to your new life will take time. You, the newly widowed, will feel lost lonely and helpless, but I’m here to tell you, you can, and you will, get through.
Just follow my three secret things to guide you (outlined above) and it won’t be long before you’ll have breathed and hugged your way through a stack of writing JOY-nals. You will be more focused. You will be a better writer.
And all those questions you pondered? Well, you may even have some answers.
Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer. She supports new widows through the grief process. Receive a copy of Della Donna’s FREE E-Book,Mourning Joy. Just visit her web site – http://www.littleredmailbox.com – and subscribe to her mailing list. Learn more about Della Donna by reading her blog – http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com – Need an interview? Perhaps you have a different writing assignment. Feel free to contact Della Donna at [mailto:littleredmailbox@aol.com]littleredmailbox@aol.com. She’s waiting to hear from you.
Tags: grief, hope
Hi My husband passed away 24th November 2015 fourteen weeks ago next Tuesday. He was 77yrs on the 23rd/11/2015 and passed on our daughters birthday 24th early hours of the morning.
We were married nearly 54yrs and I miss him so much. My problem is we never really talked about him dying and this hurts so much. My daughter and I gave him his last wash and put clean clothes on him and made him comfortable but around 2100hrs I noticed his breathing was very laboured so I called the Silver Chain. He was battling. She left around 23.30hrs and told me to go to bed as I looked very tired. I woke around 3.30am went to the toilet but didn’t go into his room. Did I do the right thing by going back to bed as when I woke at 6.30am he was gone.
I am trying to be strong but when I am alone which is most times I just miss him so much as I am this very moment. How do I cope. Elaine
First, my sincerest condolences on the loss of your husband and your mother.
Next, please don’t be so hard on yourself. You had nothing to do with the death of your husband. You did nothing wrong by not being present when he died.
Please know you are not alone and all women after the death of a spouse and going through the grief cycle as well asmen, at one time or another experience same grief feelings as you have expressed here. Surviving after the death of a beloved spouse is a challenge and it will take time for your brain to wrap itself around this. You are newly widowed. Please be patient with yourself. It is 13 years my husband is dead and I still have days where if I let it happen, my feelings could drag me down.
See a counselor. Join a bereavement group. Volunteer. Join a gym. Find some activity to work as a distraction as you work through your new journey. Keep a journal. Write in it every day, if only one word. Look back one week, one month, one year later and you will see how far you’ve come. I promise you can and will get through this grief stuff.because if I can, so can you.
Breathe. Eat, if you can. Keep up your fluids, if only water. Keep your system hydrated. And don’t be afraid to shed your tears. Give yourself permission to cry. Tears are healing.
I hope my words give you solace. Write me anytime. Just remember, we are not alone.
My husband hung himself 9 days ago I’m lost and hurting so bad and we have a 15 year old son.
I don’t now how to get through this I need help…
Thank you
Donna
Dear Donna
I wish I had found your post earlier. Please tell me how you are.
My husband died six weeks ago, he drank himself to death. He was only 47 years old. I too have a son. I do not know how to do this just like you.
Right now I want to die too but I know I can’t because of my son.
Please get in touch.
Gina
My husband of 19yrs passed away at the age of 46 seventeen days before his 47th birthday. Its only been 5 months and I don’t know where to go from here or how to live without him… He’s all that I know. We have a son that just turned 21yrs on yesterday. I’m lost for words still in shock and my house looks as if he just went to the store. I don’t want know one to touch any of his things whether it’s his personal things or something as simple has his own favorite snack. I have went to the cemetery to visit since he’s been gone from home I have another 30day before his marker arrives. I’m just so afraid… I pray daily I’m afraid for myself because we have NEVER be apart and I know my heart cant take it. I was already mourning the lost of my mom and it just made 4yrs that she has left. I don’t know what else to do. 🙁
Tomorrow marks the two week mark from my husband. I’m young. Only 38. He was 16 years older than me and honestly, his health sucked. No one could make me laugh like he did and I haven’t laughed much in the last couple weeks. My best friend came from Oregon for a couple weeks. He’s making sure I eat. He’s doing necessary things around the house to get it ready for winter while I am at work. There’s only enough life insurance to pay for my husband’s cremation so I have to work to pay the bills. It’s not enough. As a CNA at the hospital where my husband died, I will have to go to 48 hour weeks just to pay the basic household bills. I’m scared of the bills that have yet to come in. I’m not sleeping very well yet. This is my fourth day back at work. Helping my patients keeps me distracted for the most part but it’s those quiet moments when all I want to do is close my eyes and feel his arms around me…. but he’s not there. I haven’t dreamed of him at all and it’s slowly killing me. I had to give the order to take him off of life support after his heart attack and I want so badly for him to come to my dreams and tell me I made the right choice. I came home from work yesterday, wrapped my arms around my best friend, and cried. I went to take a shower and cried. I went to bed and stared at the wall. I keep thinking he’s just in the next room. He’s on his computer. He’s out in the shop. He not though. We always knew he would die early. We talked about it many times over the ten years we were married. I never took a day for granted. But right now…. getting through moment to moment to moment… It’s really hard.
I was looking for hope at 75 you cannot do what a young person can
I am limited as to physical capabilities and depend on daughter for help
But I can use the internet as long as my eyes hold oui
I read your article and I am going to do this writing.
I am still afraid to go home to a empty house but you article gives me
hope that I can feel better
About the way I feel lost,,,,,
The first sentence will be what will make me happy
Today I do not know but maybe tomorrow will give me some ideas
Bless you
Thank you for writing this. It’s perfect. My hubby, best friend has been gone just a little over six months after being sick for 14 months, married for 35-1/2 years.
Most people say it will get better but one friend says…..it doesn’t really get better, you just get
use to it. That…I agree with. Part of you is gone, that’s how I feel.
Sincerest condolences.
Thank you for reaching out. Take it slow. It’s 15 years my husband is gone and to be honest it never gets easy, it just gets less hard. I’d be a liar if I said I am used to his absence. But I have learned to become my own best friend. I have learned what I lovingly refer to as mourning joy, finding pleasure in simple things–a bird’s song, a child’s laughter, a soft summer beeeze, even raindrops on rose petals can put a smile on my face. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. If I can get through this grief process, so can you. I promise.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being my friend.
Linda Della Donna
Hi Linda, I lost my husband last month. We were married for 7 years and I’m only 30 years old. He left me with a 9 year old son. Its not easy at all, especially for my son. he’s not coping at all. I don’t even know how to start picking up the pieces of my life. We didn’t have a perfect marriage but I loved him with all m heart, body and soul. How do I move on from here, how do I raise my son from here. It’s really tough. I just miss his warm hand and his voice. I hope one day I will learn to live with this pain