You Know You’re a Widow When
You know you’re a widow when…
At the end of a good day, you bust out crying for no particular reason.
At the end of a bad day, you burst out laughing for no particular reason.
And at the end of every day, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.
You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap. Because you think He’ll need them.
The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away. Because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.
Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.
Widowhood is Here When
You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.
You wear your wedding ring. Because you still feel married.
You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He’s not here to tell you everything will be okay.
You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.
You tell everyone who asks, “how ya doing?” the big lie, “I’m doing fine.” That’s because you know they don’t understand. You know they can’t. And you pray they never will.
You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can’t make up your mind which box to check — Single, Married, Divorced, Other — You honestly don’t know.
The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn’t flip the switch. And you truly believe it’s a message sent from Him.
You Also Know You’re a Widow When
You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can;t stand the thought of sitting home alone.
You’re dying *pardon the pun* to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don’t feel safe without Him at your side.
The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. Because it reminds you of the life you had with Him. The life you planned to have with Him.
You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don’t give a damn.
Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage. And you swear to God, you discovered mourning joy. Because you’re thankful you got two hands to carry the banana peels, the empty cereal boxes, and the crushed vitamin D milk containers, and two able feet to carry you.
You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.
You lose weight. Because you can’t eat — you miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.
You gain weight. Because you can’t stop eating — you miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.
You mark time BD *before His death* and AD *after His death*. Because the endless memories loop your brain and you need a point of reference to handle your thoughts.
At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day? And you know in you’re heart, with His help, you can.
Who is the Author
Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who makes her home 20 miles north from where the World Trade Center used to be. Della Donna supports new widows through the grief process. At present, she’s working on a memoir dedicated to her late husband, Edward Sclier. You can learn more about Della Donna and receive a copy of her FREE E-Book, Mourning Joy, by filling out the opt-in box at her web site – http://www.littleredmailbox.com – and subscribing to her mailing list. Feel free to read Della Donna’s blog – http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com – for widows only. Della Donna wants every widow to know, we’re not alone. Got a writing assignment? Need an interview? Feel free to contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com. She’s waiting to hear from you.
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Tags: grief, hope
Thanks so much for this article on how to determine when you’re a widow. I think we all need to be educated in every area of grief, and widowhood is often one grief that is overlooked. It hit me hard when you said that you stare at a job application and don’t know which block to check…..married, single, other….I’m among many, I’m sure, that need reminders that being a widow is a grief that changes all of life in an instant and the grief really, really hurts.
It is exact. Thank you.
I lost my dear husband two weeks ago of a sudden heartattack. He died while I was out and I found him on the bathroom floor. The pain is so overwhelming and I wonder how I will survive.
You described what I am going through perfectly. Only someone who suffers the death of a spouse or signicant other can know what I am going through.
I lost my husband to lung cancer. It has been slightly over a month but i still feel like i will be most comfortable if i just attach myself to my bed and hide in my room. Every good memory of him aches my heart, every step forward is a fear and having his side of the bed empty is worst especially at night when i am trying to sleep. Just being able to sleep with him every night for the last 19 years was not only comforting but an extreme luxury.
PERFECT….just perfect and so true!
I lost the love of my life on April 6 of a heart attack. No warning, no symptoms, nothing. He was here one minute and gone the next.
Thank you for posting this.
I lost my husband right before Christmas and buried him on his birthday–Christmas Day. I still hurt so bad, that sometimes I really don’t want to live any more. I do believe that he visits me (things have happened that only he could’ve done) and my daughter is hurting badly, too. This Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are not going to be good.
I have to believe that he’d want me to be OK, but I’m just not there yet.
It has been 10 months and the pain is so overwhelming at times its unbearable. I wish everyday that he had taken me with him. Everyone says in time it will get better but time has no meaning for me right now. All I feel is an neverending ache.
My story: Our daughter was born on 8/8/07, we lost my grandfather on 8/20/07 and my husband on 8/24/07. We also have a now 3 yr old son. We were in a one car accident on our way to my grandfather’s services in another state than where we live. I was driving, my husband was asleep and not wearing his seatbelt. I dosed, hit the median, over corrected, we rolled and the rest is history.
I feel EXACTLY – EVERYTHING about “you know when you are a widow” I can go into a room where I know he will not be, turn on the light and still look to see if he is there. There are days when all I feel is guilt because I was at the wheel. People tell me they don’t know what to say. I understand because I don’t either and wouldn’t if I were not the one going through this.
There are days when all I feel is alone and that is kinda sad because I know Greg’s heart and love will ALWAYS be with me and our babies. I know that God is always with me and our babies.
The question: How do you do it? My answer: I don’t know. I don’t have a choice. It is what I have to do. The kids keep me going. I have to take care of our babies, I can’t crawl up into the hole that I really want to crawl up into.
Our son got to know his daddy for 2 years but our daughter will never experience her daddy. I am sad for them both for the same yet different reasons. They have their Gramps, Papa and three uncles but NONE of them are their daddy. They can give them stories of daddy as they see it but will it be enough?
God will take care of all three of us. I truly believe this but it is sometimes hard to deal with or handle in the moment of sadness.
3 1/2 years since my loss, and I want to start a blog. 38 years together and never been alone…so I have lots of alone times.
I’m ok, busy, work, friends, work out, puppy…too much time on my hands still!
Is it hard for others to sit down and read, relax?
I lost my husband 4 months ago to cancer. We were married 26 years and have 2 beautiful daughters. The things you have listed in “you know you’re a widow” are very true of me. I still have not removed his toothbrush, I sleep on his side of the bed, I cry a lot, I have his jacket (that I dare not wash) on the bed beside me so that I can still smell the faint smell of him, I still wear my wedding band, I look for signs of communication from him, the list goes on. Sometimes I feel I’m really losing my mind One of the main things that keeps me going is the fact that I know my husband would have told me to keep that stiff upper lip and “do what ya gotta do.” He was a Renaissance man and loved life. He loved his vegetable garden. A month after he died, I was weeding his spring garden and found a big plastic tomato tag stuck high in the fence. I wondered how it would’ve gotten stuck that far up. When I pulled it out, the first words I saw written boldly were “Savor Life.” I want to believe it was a message to me from him and one I can share with you.
I lost my husband a little over two months ago to cancer. We were married 21 years and he was also my very best friend and the nicest person I ever knew. The things you have listed in “you know you’re a widow” are very true of me, as well. I sleep on his side of the bed (in his sweatshirts), I cry a lot, I still wear my wedding band, and I look for signs of communication from him but have not been really successful in spotting a lot of that. I wish I was. It would help. Sometimes I, too, feel I’m losing my mind. I’m having one of those days today. I’d really just rather go back to bed but I have a job. One of the main things that keeps me going is the fact that I know my husband would want me to. I’m trying. I really am. I wish it was getting easier but it isn’t.
Much of this hit home. I lost my husband to cancer Dec. 2008, one week before Christmas. He was 39. I am five years older and we were only married for 6 years. We were friends for a few years before. We have 2 young children, under the age of 6. I am so caught up with working full time and taking care of them I don’t feel I have time to just breathe and slow down.
I take time at night when I can but I am so tired most nights. He was my true soul mate, Our story was like the movie When Harry Met Sally and I thought we would grow old together. Now it is so hard for me to see couples in their 60s, 70s and 80s at church especially sitting together, holding hands. I don’t know why we couldn’t have that.
And when people say Well you may meet someone else….” I don’t want to. I don;t want to feel I have to be married. I was independent for many years and when I fell in love with my husband it was because he was THE one.
I still wear the wedding ring and I cannot imagine taking that off. Ever.
I sometimes want to feel him, just being able to know he is safe and yet watching over us.
Time heals I know but I don’t see how….
After browsing this site for an hour, this is the page that finally brought the tears. I identify with nearly all of it.
My husband died in an accident two months ago, after 21 years of marriage. Both being 42, we had literally spent half our lives, and all our adult lives, as a couple. Finding my way, giving up on all our plans, is so hard. It really hurts, physically. Breathe, breathe.
My husband passed away 2 yrs ago April 22nd in a car accident and exactly 3 months to the day my brother died of a heart attack at the age of 42. It has been 2 yrs since my husband and my best friend passed away, I miss him as much today as I did then.We would have been married 24yrs on July 7th,we have 2 children a son 22 and a daughter 18,she has had a tough time dealing with her dads death because he got into the accident driving the car we had bought her for her 16th birthday.He was my first, he was my one true love, we did everything together we just loved being together, we didn’t need friends we were each others best friend.I agree with alot of the comments above,I wear his ring on a chain around my neck along with mine.When I see couples holding hands and kissing it really gets to me, because I think of what I have lost.I am still not able to sleep in the bed we shared because I feel alone,I sleep on my couch.He was a great husband and father ,You know what the really sad thing is he was a man that would drop whatever he was doing to help out anyone in need,It could be mowing someones lawn in the summer to snow blowing a driveway in the winter and since he died there is not one person there to help me when I need it .I remember when he died the neighbors would say if you need anything I am here but they really aren’t.I was told it will get easier but to be honest,I think the 2nd year has been worse.My sister sent me this site and I am glad she did because it helps to know that I am not alone in feeling the way I do.The comment about just wanting to feel him is so true,I feel the same way I just think if I got a sign and I knew he was happy it would make it easier and I can’t ever imagine being with someone else because no one else could ever measure up.
It has now been six months since my husband passed and I still feel rudderless without him. I do laugh, and enjoy my time with the kids and taking care of them. I get out with friends once in a while. But my mother is a great person to talk with since my father died of cancer just 3 months after my husband. My mother and I are both now widows. She understands my pain although she and my father were married for 42 years longer than my husband and I were. We have different issues but also the same grief. We miss them terribly.
I still catch my breath at photos I find of my husband and my father. Two wonderful men.
I wrote this column for the newspaper group where I work:
http://www.suburbanchicagonews.com/heraldnews/news/opinions/1632308,4_4_JO21_GUEST_S1-090621.article
It’s just a little over a month since I lost my husband to cancer. We would have been married 32yrs. this July. At first I thought, “Well, I seem to be coping pretty well”. Then the bottom dropped out. Now that everyone has gone back to their “normal” lives I have never felt lonlier in my entire life. Don’t get me wrong, everyone still calls and cares, but in the end it’s still just me. I make sure I get out of the house each day but coming home to an empty house is torture. Our house was like our little haven from the tough things we all must deal with everyday in the outside world. We were thrilled with it, and each other. Now, it almost seems like something I need to escape from.I think it is just really sinking in that this is the way it’s going to be from now on. Is it really possible he is really never coming back I ask myself. How can it be? Sometimes I find myself thinking maybe it’s all just a dream . Common feelings from everything I’ve read.Hoping I can find a job and I can distract myself at least part of the time.(and I could use the money) I find myself crying a lot now. I have to say it helps to let it out but there is no predicting when it will come and where. I never understood before that grieving is such a physical hurt as well as emotional. I guess that’s what a broken heart feels like. It’s palpable. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Some people believe that people who are grieving have a telltale look about them, I guess just a profound sadness. I tend to think it’s true. Many times when I’m out somewhere, it seems like people are extra kind or they smile at you for no reason almost as if they sense it.. For now, I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know that is what he would want because he loved life so much and fought so hard to stay…..Going to my first support group meeting tomorrow night. Hoping it helps.
My story begins 9 years ago when I met the love of my life, my soul mate, lover and best friend. We were married for 4 years out of the 9 and the last two we spent overseas in the middle east working building our lives around travel and work. One day like any other day he got up to go to work as so did I and shortly after lunch I got a call from the American Embassey where he was taking care of getting pages put in his passport so we could go on our next greatest adventure. He died of a massive heart atack there in the Embassey within minutes. No warring nothing, he had just had his 52 birthday 5 days earlier. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I am so lonely and mmiss him so much that it is hard to get up somedays. I am trying everyday as that is what he would want me to do but it is so hard. I am 44 years old and was once a very strong, determined business woman and now I just cry everyday. He has been gone seven weeks and 6 days. I wonder somedays if I can make it through the day. I have moved back to the states and this place seems as it is a strange country I am very displaced and lost without him. I sleep with his t-shirt and have only one shirt hanging in the closet which I smell everyday. I will soon have to go back over seas to pack up our house and have it shipped back. I know he is a perfect place and find comfort in that but I want him back with me. Life is now such a rollercoaster and I am so tierd all the time.
I will never feel this bad or hurt this much again, no matter what happens or who dies. It is a small comfort but I know that I will never feel like this again.
This is the best article I have read so far and I needed to find something like this today. It really helps to know that I am not the only one that is hurting this much. Thank you for writing this article, it is exactly how I feel.
I lost my husband suddenly May 1 2009. We were married 31 years, he was only 55. Two weeks after he died I started working so hard around the house, I literally moved mountains, until I crashed and burned. I did not listen to my body and after I recovered I did it again. I crashed for the second time.
I have learned not to leave the house without my sunglasses as I burst into tears for no reason at all or for a good reason.
The last week has been more down than up again as I expect too much of myself. So I went back to the internet to read about grief again, as if that would help. Nothing helps except to read about other widows who are experiencing the same pain. It is a feeling that I can not explain. I have never felt like this before and since we did not have children I know that I will never feel this bad again, no matter what happens or who dies.
I just want the pain to go away.
If I stop moving I’ll die, I can’t afford to fall apart but I want to just for a little while but each time I remember that he is not there to pick up the pieces if I fall apart, I just draw the strength to hold it together but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It’s harder than him telling me he was HIV positive, harder than watching him slip away from me day after day, harder than having to go through each day being stigmatised. Death is a bitch if ever I saw one!
February 25, 2010 will mark the second anniversary of my husbands death. The hurt, the anger, the loneliness is just as real as if it just happened. We were married for 8 years but were together for 13. This article could not have been better if I had written it myself. You can’t particularly relate until it has happened to you. I thought I understood when I lost my dad and other relatives but there’s no way to be prepared for this.
People hear my story and they commend me on being strong but they don’t have a clue what it takes to put on this mask each day. Others think I should be thankful that I am not HIV positive, and I am thankful but that does not lessen the pain and the torture of living without him. Life is not waiting for me so I’m trying my damndest to get with the program but no one can put a time frame on healing.
I try to kill the pain by remembering the bad times we had. It does not work. I only find comfort in remembering the good times and the love we had. I remember my husband like a “God like” person, which he was not. I am sorry for all the fights we had, I am angry that I was too busy to notice how ill he was. I am angry that he did not take better care of himself.
I used to be the queen of decision making and now I can’t decide on which cat food to buy….and there are only two choices.
My heart is broken and it will never heal, I can only put a band aid on it!
My husband died on Wednesday after a 5 year battle with cancer. We were together for 2 years, and married for just 8 months. There are many of these I don’t identify with, simply because I only had the pleasure of living with my dear one for 8 months, and we just moved into our first home together at Thanksgiving. But I do know I cried in the freezer section of the grocery store yesterday when I saw a box of Kellogg’s waffles, his breakfast every morning. And I sleep on his side of the bed, wearing his clothes, and wear his wedding ring on my right hand. I miss him.
My husband passed away on May 3, 2009 from a seizure due to complications of a brain injury he’d gotten while in the military. He was 24 years old. He had suffered for 3 long years of painful surgeries, hospital stays, infections, etc. He was/is the love of my life. I miss him so much every single second of every day. I’ve never felt pain like this in my life. And every time I look into our 2 sons beautiful eyes, it’s like he’s looking right back at me through them. I’m happy and thankful for our babies, but at the same time it makes it that much harder for me. He was me best friend, my everything. I have no idea what to do without him.