At the end of a good day you bust out crying for no particular reason.
At the end of a bad day you burst out laughing for no particular reason.
At the end of everyday, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.
You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap. Because you think He?ll need them.
The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away. Because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.
Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.
You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.
You wear your wedding ring. Because you still feel married.
You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He?s not here to tell you everything will be okay.
You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.
You tell everyone who asks, how ?ya doing? the big lie, I?m doing fine. That?s because you know they don?t understand. You know they can?t. And you pray they never will.
You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can?t make up your mind which box to check — Single, Married, Divorced, Other — You honestly don?t know.
The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn?t flip the switch. You truly believe it?s a message sent from Him.
You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can?t stand the thought of sitting home alone.
You?re dying *pardon the pun* to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don?t feel safe without Him at your side.
The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. Because it reminds you of the life you had with Him. The life you planned to have with Him.
You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don?t give a damn.
Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage. And you swear to God, you discovered mourning joy. Because you?re thankful you got two hands to carry the banana peels, the empty cereal boxes, and the crushed vitamin D milk containers, and two able feet to carry you.
You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.
You lose weight. Because you can?t eat — you miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.
You gain weight. Because you can?t stop eating — you miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.
You mark time BD *before His death* and AD *after His death*. Because the endless memories loop your brain and you need a point of reference to handle your thoughts.
At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day? And you know in you?re heart, with His help, you can.
Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who makes her home 20 miles north from where the World Trade Center used to be. Della Donna supports new widows through the grief process. At present, she’s working on a memoir dedicated to her late husband, Edward Sclier. You can learn more about? Della Donna and receive a copy of her FREE E-Book, Mourning Joy, by filling out the opt-in box at her web site – http://www.littleredmailbox.com – and subscribing to her mailing list. Feel free to read Della Donna’s blog – http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com – for widows only. Della Donna wants every widow to know, we’re not alone. Got a writing assignment? Need an interview? Feel free to contact Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com. She?s waiting to hear from you.
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Tags: grief, hope
Thanks so much for this article on how to determine when you’re a widow. I think we all need to be educated in every area of grief, and widowhood is often one grief that is overlooked. It hit me hard when you said that you stare at a job application and don’t know which block to check…..married, single, other….I’m among many, I’m sure, that need reminders that being a widow is a grief that changes all of life in an instant and the grief really, really hurts.
It is exact. Thank you.
I lost my dear husband two weeks ago of a sudden heartattack. He died while I was out and I found him on the bathroom floor. The pain is so overwhelming and I wonder how I will survive.
You described what I am going through perfectly. Only someone who suffers the death of a spouse or signicant other can know what I am going through.
I lost my husband to lung cancer. It has been slightly over a month but i still feel like i will be most comfortable if i just attach myself to my bed and hide in my room. Every good memory of him aches my heart, every step forward is a fear and having his side of the bed empty is worst especially at night when i am trying to sleep. Just being able to sleep with him every night for the last 19 years was not only comforting but an extreme luxury.
Thank you for helping me to feel like what I’m going through is normal. I’ve felt/done almost every one of the things you list, from keeping his razor and toothbrush, to talking to the dog. I wish I had his bathrobe to smell…I had a shirt, but a well meaning friend washed and ironed it when I was out of town. I stood in the closet and sobbed uncontrollably when I buried my nose in it the night I got home and smelled…ironing board smell. It has been almost 6 months, and the crying is getting worse, not better.
You realise how much you loved him only after he goes… and you feel you’re incomplete without him… a part of your self has withered off….What an irreparable loss!!!!
ITS Christmas Eve at 6 am all the live long day. It has been 2 years since I lost my Husband. I am not happy. I find myself angry often. The anger is something new that is taking hold. I pray every day but things are not getting better. We were married for 50 years. I have not felt the presence of his spirit for a while now and wonder if he has totally left me? I do not see the joy in this world. Except when I hug my dogs. That’s all.
Oh my goodness! I lost my husband of 9 years in December on the 15th. He passed away from pancreatic cancer. Hard to write this. I really feel that nobody understands. We got married on 08 and he passed in 2017. My first marriage and no children. He was my bestfriend. I do pass his graveside every day.i always can see it snd blow him kisses. The pain is indescribable. And im talking about emotional pain
Reading this lets me know that I’m not crazy train
What I’ve been going through is that no one understands my pain. I went to work at a new job and it had been just seven months. I could write a book
Anyway thank you for your insight letting me know what I’m going through is normal and i’m not CRAZY
Dear Elizabeth,
First, my sincerest condolences.
Next, I’m here to tell you you will get through this. I promise, It takes time for the brain to accept what has happened and to wrap itself around the fact that your beloved husband is gone. Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Become your own best friend. Begin to do the things that are good for you. Please know that every thing you are experiencing is normal. If things get too overwhelming, feel free to seek out a bereavement counselor for support and guidance. Always remember, we’re not alone. If I can get through this grief process, so can you. I promise.
Sincerely,
Linda Della Donna
He suicide!!! We have 3 kids!! 12-10 and a 4 years old. Its been only 18 months. His body was found 4-5 days later. How ?? How ? How do i cope with this??!!! No one no one will understand the pain and anger and how much i miss n need him. Had to be a closed casket since he was already decomposed. I don’t even know how i got this far and thankful all my kids are healthy and still in the same roof with me. Im not even given a day to grieve where i can jst cry out all da pain!!! Because i have no one and have kids to care.
Subject: Re: [Open to Hope] Please moderate: “For Widows Only-You Know You’re A Widow When”
DearestJoanna,
First, my sincerest condolences.
Next, I am so sorry. That is the worst story I have ever heard. I can’t
imagine your pain or what you must be going through.
Picture this:
I walk into your room and sit down on your bed beside you. I place my arms
around you. I embrace you and hold you close.
Give yourself permission to have a good cry. I am here for you.
Just a tip, let out your tears. if you must lock yourself in the bathroom
in order to let your tears flow, do it. Tears are healing.
Another tip, you’re husband’s suicide is not your fault. Stop beating
yourself up.
A word of praise. There is nothing wrong with you and the feelings you are
feeling. 18 months is hardly any time at all to fully process this horrific
event.
It will take time for your brain to process your husband’s death and the
reality he is never coming back. How much time is different for every
widow, because just like a thumbprint, no to grief journeys are alike.
There is no calendar, no clock. no timepiece to predict when this will
occur. But I promise, it will happen.
Grief is a challenge each widow must face. Somehow, someway, we face it and
we manage.
Take baby steps, breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Whenever you feel overwhelmed,
just. breathe. Just just breathe. Concentrate on your breath.
Count one second. one minute, one hour. Soon it will be one day, two days,
3 days later and then one week. Before you know it, one month has passed
and you will come to realize how amazing you truly are and that you made it through. Just as you realize you made it through these last 18 months without Him by your side.
You are an incredibly strong woman and deserve to be commended and
congratulated for all your efforts and hard work.
I urge you to reach out to a grief counselor as you will need support
through your grief journey. Perhaps your family doctor can make a
recommendation. There are bereavement groups specifically geared to widows
of husbands who died from suicide, just like you. Perhaps you can join in.
Please try.
Try to seek out private time for yourself, if only for one hour, hire a
babysitter, then go for a walk, mani-pedi, something just for you, to
clear your mind.
This is your time now. It is time for you to take care of you as best you
can. Because if you don’t, who will? Take as much time as you need. Always
remember we are not alone.
Where you are now I once was.
It is not easy burying a beloved spouse. But this much I promise, you will
survive. You will get through. Because If I can harness this ugly grief
pain, so can you.
Joanna, I am holding you near, blotting your eyes.
I am grateful. I am honored you reached out to me for guidance. Feel free
to write a week, a month, 6 months from now to let me know how you’re
doing. Sooner, if you choose.
Linda Della Donna
…And sometime when
I wasn’t looking, I got a new life.
On Wed, Mar 4, 2020, 2:25 PM opentohope