I have just been sitting here thinking about life. It is so strange. Everyone who has lost a child has been through such great sorrows, but we have also been through great joys in our lives.
There was a time after Keren died that I never thought I would feel joy again. I really didn’t for a long time. I was dead inside, empty and numb,but then after a while, a little bit of light started peaking its head into my life. So faint at first I couldn’t see it, it was barely there. I was so numb inside.
But still it grew. It came as little twinges, a new puppy, my son’s smile, my husband ‘s embrace, being able to enjoy the company of friends, my mother’s phone calls, and the little light inside of me started growing. I didn’t know how this could be possible. How could I feel any kind of joy or light or happiness with my beloved daughter departed?
But then I started thinking, she is really not gone. I feel her all around me. I know she still lives on and in fact is watching over me. Life is sorrows and joys living with each other side by side. We have to find a way to exist with both in our lives.
Today I had an angel fall asleep in my arms: my two-year-old goddaughter. She just crawled up in my lap and fell asleep. She felt that safe with me. She knows me that well. I felt so privileged that this beautiful little girl is in my life.
In my arms she slept for 20 minutes, and as I was stroking her golden hair and taking in the perfect beauty of her face, I felt great joy, something I never thought I would feel again, but there it was, the light inside of me burning bright. The radiance of the light glowing at least for those 20 minutes when I had an angel fall asleep in my arms.
Great Joys along with Great Sorrows. Life is indeed strange.
Tags: grief, hope
I thought that I would not live, let alone smile or ever be happy again. But it does happen, not like before though. And I felt so guilty.
But even though we continue to laugh again, we are not the same person that we used to be. That person dies, and a new one emerges. We have a strength that comes from the grief.
I seem to look for other survivors, new ones that I can help, and tell thim…this too shall pass. I try to encourage, and lend an ear, because I remember all to well, tha Pain, Anguish, and Shock. The horrible feeling of just Being…not wanting to survive….and then the happiness that entered my life in the way of dreams and memories.
Dear Bonnie
Thank you for your comment
Yes it does help so much to stay connected with those that know and understand our grief and pain.
Holding you close to my heart…