I have just been sitting here thinking about life. It is so strange. Everyone who has lost a child has been through such great sorrows, but we have also been through great joys in our lives.

There was a time after Keren died that I never thought I would feel joy again. I really didn’t for a long time. I was dead inside, empty and numb,but then after a while, a little bit of light started peaking its head into my life. So faint at first I couldn’t see it, it was barely there. I was so numb inside.

But still it grew. It came as little twinges, a new puppy, my son’s smile, my husband ‘s embrace, being able to enjoy the company of friends, my mother’s phone calls, and the little light inside of me started growing. I didn’t know how this could be possible. How could I feel any kind of joy or light or happiness with my beloved daughter departed?

But then I started thinking, she is really not gone. I feel her all around me. I know she still lives on and in fact is watching over me. Life is sorrows and joys living with each other side by side. We have to find a way to exist with both in our lives.

Today I had an angel fall asleep in my arms: my two-year-old goddaughter. She just crawled up in my lap and fell asleep. She felt that safe with me. She knows me that well. I felt so privileged that this beautiful little girl is in my life.

In my arms she slept for 20 minutes, and as I was stroking her golden hair and taking in the perfect beauty of her face, I felt great joy, something I never thought I would feel again, but there it was, the light inside of me burning bright. The radiance of the light glowing at least for those 20 minutes  when I had an angel fall asleep in my arms.

Great Joys along with Great Sorrows. Life is indeed strange.

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Louise Lagerman

Louise is a mother to three: two sons, Eric and James, and her daughter Keren, who died in 2006 at the age of 23. Louise has worked in health care for many years in the geriatric field. She lives with her husband Steven outside of Houston, Texas. A year ago, she created and opened up Grief Support website and message board with friend and fellow bereaved mother Gladis Alcorta. Grief support now has over 500 members who share and depend on each other for support. Her favorite quote is by Jason Reeves, In my own way I take you everywhere I go and it feels like Home.

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