When I lost my brother it was early summer time. The flowers were out, the heat hadn’t magnetized and yet I could find beauty in nothing. I felt like I was never going to get over the pain from his death. In some ways I felt paralyzed, almost not feeling at all, from fear that if I did feel I would never come back.
The pain ebbed and flowed but the pain was most intense during the holidays. I dreaded them the first year, knowing one chair was missing. His. I had a hard time eating or enjoying the taste of anything. More than anything I watched over and worried about my parents, whom I knew were in much greater pain than I was. So, between my worry for them and trying to survive my own feelings, the holidays were really tough.
When I look back on that time now I think not so much of all of the pain we all had…but rather of all of the gifts of compassion from others. I think of how friends gathered, wrote notes from afar, sent mementos that reminded them of Rod. What I know is that we were surrounded by love and grace from others.
Grief hurts. It’s a big open wound that you wonder: Is it too big to ever heal? Will I ever be the same? Will I ever feel joy again? How can I survive this? The answers to those questions may vary. I don’t know that one is ever the same after they lose someone they love….but I believe that, if one chooses to, they can become someone that grows, that loves even deeper, that feels even deeper. Death reminds us that each day we have to treasure and love those around us deeply and passionately.
My husband lost his then wife, Kathy, and two young boys, Tanner and Shea, when a boulder fell from Glenwood Canyon in Colorado (told in our book: Out of the Canyon, Random House, 2009). What I admire and respect most about him is the journey he took in healing. I met him months after the accident and we shared our two losses. He was in deep pain and grief, but he also was determined to live his life in honor and joy of his family. He decided to learn and grow and open up even more because he knew they would want that.
We later married and now have two boys of our own. There is not a day goes by that Kathy, Tanner and Shea are not a part of our lives. They are our angels and our protectors. Each holiday we light candles for them and each of us talks to them and tells them we love them. Is it easy? No. Does my husband miss them desperately? Yes. In many ways, Art says, the missing and yearning for them is a friend because in that space where he feels the pain and yearning for them, THAT is where he feels closest to them.
There are no magic answers and no diagrams to get through the maze of grief and loss. Each one of us is different and we each have our own journey. During these holidays, I encourage you to find some way to honor, love and touch the one you have lost. Honor them with candles, a special tree, or a special present to yourself that you allow to be ‘from him/her.’ Pick something that feels appropriate to that person and to your self or the family. Feel the pain of your loss but also feel the joy you felt with them alive. Try not to judge yourself or others. The most important thing is to honor the life they had while alive. By reaching out and honoring their life, you are helping yourself as well.
Tags: grief, hope
Thank you for this article. My older brother, who was 32, passed away earlier today on New Year’s Eve. A health nut, it seems he died of a heart attack. I’m so sick to my stomache right now. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and he is one of five of children (myself included). I’m so numb right now, because I couldn’t make it home for the Christmas Holiday, but he flew in to town. Thank you for this article, because I’m deeply grieving and am looking for some glimmer of hope, not only for myself, but my family. Thank you.
Thank you. I realize that loss happens to us all. 3 years ago my sister died suddenly of a cardiac arrest while visiting me. Because I work in healthcare I have immense feelings of guilt about not being able to save her. This article made me realize I MUST have hope. I must move through this and stop stuffing down my feelings. I must honor who she was and what she meant to me and everyone in my family. Tina was such an amazing person, your insights made me see that wallowing in my pain is not where I want to be.
Thankyou for this article and this website!
My parents had 5 children, 3 girls first and then 8 years later had a 4th girl and finally got their #5 “BOY” two years later again.
My brother was 10 years younger than myself. He was our boy too! I and my sisters helped to raise the young pair. The age difference kept my parents young. On Christmas Eve this year Dec.24, 2012 around 3:30 pm my only brother suffered a massive heart attack while on the job in his work truck only 49 years old. He worked for the City in a supervisor position in the Waste Water Dept. He left his wife of 16 years and two daughters 11 and 15 years old behind. It has been a nightmare exploding within my family. He was well known and tremendously popular with his friends. He also was one of the finest examples of a True Family Man, loving to his family and loyal and helpful with his friends. The outpouring from the community and on Facebook has been overwhelming. We have all tried to help one another to cope as best we can and I am happy to say we are a strong bunch! Day by day we find new things about him to honor, cherish and continue to struggle to work through the individual pain we all are collectively experiencing. It’s only been 3 weeks since we all got the call. We have lots of thank yous to send and will benefit from all the advise contained in this website. I thank you for creating it, It will help me to try gently to guide them through the waters we will have to navigate for the rest of our lifetimes.