Grief Guilt is about Loss of Control
Guilt is, in my humble opinion, one of the most prevalent emotions during grief, and one that many grievers seem to come back to again and again. Feelings of guilt stem from an overwhelming desire to be in control of something that’s uncontrollable. Your mind isn’t yet ready to accept that your loss is real; it tries to push off the overwhelming sadness that’s coming by longing for things that can’t be changed.
Some people stay stuck feeling guilt for a long time, spiraling downward into a sea of “What ifs” and “I should haves.” I’ll share an example from my grief story. When Max picked up Libby from dance class on the night of the accident, they were going to David’s house because that was the schedule we created after our divorce.
For a while, it was very easy to slide into thinking, What if I had driven her myself? All the way to, If we hadn’t gotten divorced and weren’t living in separate houses, this wouldn’t have happened.
Grief Guilt Stops our Healing
The feelings of “I should’ve done more,” “I should’ve spent more time with this person,” “I should’ve seen the signs,” and “I could’ve done things differently” can leave people beating themselves up mentally for years. Many of us try to make deals with ourselves or with a higher power if we believe in one. We long to switch places with our loved one or to change the events of what happened, or leading
up to what happened, so that there will be a different result.
The key fact, though, is that a different result isn’t possible, which is why guilt can be paralyzing. Here’s the realization that is needed to move past the guilt: All of the guilt in the world won’t make a difference, and beating ourselves up mentally isn’t going to change that reality.
Giving up Grief Guilt
I think psychologically, deep down, we know this. But it takes us accepting that no matter what we do we can’t go back and change things to help us keep moving on our healing path. Our beloved person is never coming back, so there’s no point in going over and over what could’ve been or what we could’ve done differently.
It takes this realization to move us forward in our grief… and this realization HURTS, so it makes sense that guilt is often accompanied by deep sadness or depression, where reality finally kicks in and completely knocks the wind out of us.
Read more by Brooke Carlock at Grieving Mommy: One Mama’s Journey Through Child Loss/Grieving Mommy: a grieving mom’s journey through child loss
Check out Brooke’s other writing on Open to Hope: ‘You’re SO Strong’: A Misunderstanding of Grief – Open to Hope
