Yesterday, I read a blog about grief after child loss.  It was an interesting article, and it made me wonder about my opinions on grief.  I must tell you before you read on, this lady hasn’t had to bury her child, thankfully.  The blog read, “Everyone I’ve interviewed about losing a child agrees, it takes five years.”  That’s right, after FIVE years, if I am to believe her, I should be through the worst of my grief over Savannah!

As soon as I read it, the hair on the back of my neck prickled.  I’m afraid I have to disagree.  I thought to myself, “Well I must be abnormal!”  In spite of time….my grief is still there, like an unwanted guest who arrives unannounced.

It’s six years since Savannah died, almost ten this month since my sister was killed, and it’ll be eight years in November since my beautiful mom passed away. The grief from all of these losses still affects me.  In my experiences, grief doesn’t have a time limit, nor should it. 

Grief is defined in the dictionary as “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.”  And that’s what it is, mental suffering, torture sometimes, a physical pain……some days I wish so much that I could take Savannah shopping, or watch her and Dempsey play, or fight, together.  It’s distress that we searched the world for a cure for her but couldn’t save her life and a sharp sorrow that I can’t simply kiss my child goodnight anymore. 

It’s also a painful regret that I should’ve taken her to more places and made her days more special, and taken more photos of her and her sister together.  How can there possibly be a time frame to when I will no longer feel these things for my beautiful girl who is no longer here!  No, grief can last a lifetime, in my opinion. 

How do you define grief anyway?  Especially over the loss of a partner, parent, sibling, friend, or god forbid, a child.  I think its irresponsible of anyone to say you should be healed or that your grief goes away.  I think everyone’s grief is different and we shouldn’t tell people HOW or WHAT they should be feeling after any length of time. 

Grief is like an amputation of a limb, although other people can’t see where the limb is missing. You grieve for that loss every single day.

The relationship you had with the person who died will sometimes define how intense or how long the intensity lasts.  I think the person who wrote the blog should’ve said that the intensity of grief changes over time (not put a limit on it).  Just because someone isn’t crying everyday or finding they can laugh again doesn’t mean they have moved on (hate that saying) or have recovered from a death. 

I don’t usually like confrontations so I wrote a kind comment on the blog.  What I should’ve written is that I think that particular article was a load of crap and it worries me that some people may read what she wrote and think there is something wrong with them if they still feel a deep sadness over a loss, yes, even after FIVE years!

Diana Doyle 2010