By Mitch Carmody –

We are now closing in on the end of the first decade of the new millennium.  Growing up, most of us baby boomers remember reading about Haley’s Comet, and we hoped to see it zoom across the night sky as an adult. When we were kids, we hadn’t seen a man land on the moon; we had only a couple of stations on our black-and-white televisions; we had telephones with party lines that you shared with neighbors; one computer filled an enormous room, and water was not sold in bottles.

Boy, has the world changed. But where have we come in terms of processing our grief for the loss of a loved one?

In the early 1800s, grief was still puritanical in approach, and death was perceived to be some form of punishment from God for sins, and the wicked were punished accordingly. Death within the nuclear family was treated as if was an embarrassment and kept hidden from view; handled privately and quietly.  Stillborns, premature births and suicides were not even recognized with a mourning period and in some cases, not even allowed to be buried in hallowed ground.

In the early 1900s, a more proactive approach developed toward understanding grief. Mourning mementos such as gloves, scarves, and rings proliferated. Burials began to be attended by large-scale public processions and funerals at the gravesite, and funerary speech began to take on a sentimental or eulogistic quality instead of damnation.  Life after death was hoped for, and the belief that the spirit survived death became the norm. This also gave rise to the Spiritualism movement/religion that brought forth a plethora of mediums, seances, and Ouija board encounters that supported life after death.

In the latter part of the 20^th century, we seemed to have reached a point in bereavement processing that had moved from that ecstatic era of extended and ritualized mourning to our current paradigm shift to a “drive-thru” mentality to “get this all over done with.” Three days off from work. Get over it, move on.

In this latter transmogrification of the bereavement process, we find a more sanitized, streamlined approach that has adapted to our fast moving culture. Wake periods are kept short and sweet or even non-existent; funeral plans are made quickly without elaborate preparations; mementos of mourning are seldom worn or displayed; even the wearing of black is seen less and less.  This lack of a very personal and public display of mourning has created an environment that can delay or circumvent the critical lamentation period that must take place.

The loss must be expressed, the bereaved need to lament their loss and express their pain.  I believe our society is ready for a paradigm shift in the bereavement process, a shift that will allow the bereaved to be able to grieve naturally and openly, be given permission to express the full depth of their loss. We need a shift where the bereaved can lament and to mourn as long as is needed, and without guilt, without shame and without fear of ridicule. We need to be free to live the loss, live the pain and regain the joy.

We live; we love; we grieve; we remember; we accept change; we survive.

By Mitch Carmody