Without you, my world seems too big. I don’t know how to fill the space that was you. I only know sometimes I get lost in it.
The space left by you seemed to mock me. It followed me relentlessly. It threatened to consume me. Well-meaning friends pretended not to see the space you left. Others tried to get me to ignore it to, to pretend it wasn’t there, or to fill it quickly with other people, other things.
I tried to tell them it didn’t work that way. I tried to reason with them. They tried to reason with me. All of it just made me more tired. I got frustrated and decided it was simpler to just not be with people except the people I knew who were also grieving. They did not expect anything from me. I was not a disappointment to them. They accepted me as I was and helped me not feel so alone.
Every now and then, someone disappeared from this circle, sometimes without warning. Sometimes they shared it was time to spread their wings and fly. It was time to leave the safety of the circle. It was time again to get involved with new things, new people, and perhaps even some of those they’d left behind.
Once in awhile, some of these people came back, saying it was too soon, too hard but most did not. Those who returned were welcomed with open arms, no questions asked.
One day I realized I was feeling stifled and confined. The people were just as kind and understanding, but I didn’t fit anymore. I knew it was time to get on with my life. The people who had been such a comfort to me would always hold a special place in my heart, but it was my time, my turn to move on. So with a mixture of excitement and trepidation I did, and I began to live again.
Deb Kosmer
debrakosmer@gmail.com
© 2010
I read comments like this now and then. In my heart I cannot even imagine feeling my grief has ended and it was time to move on. He was MY SON, how do you MOVE in without your child??? This baffles me how some people feel.
Dearest Debbie,
Six years have passed since this article and your comment. I almost didn’t reply, but then I saw the date of your comment: May 11. May 11 is the day my firstborn arrived into and exited this world. Gavin Michael, my son, died following unexpected complications during delivery. Though I thought I would never know a happy life without him in it and many times I begged God to take me as I didn’t think I could go on, I did. One of the many things I learned is that nothing, not even death can strip us of the love and experiences we share with our loved ones.
I hope you have found ways to live fully in the face of your son’s death, but if you are searching for more understanding or peace, please know I am here if you need me.
Yours in hope, healing, and happiness,
~AE
This is so perfectly poignant, Deb. These words capture the human spirit and our need to grow and prosper in all phases of our life. Whether we are navigating grief or some other form of life growth, when we begin to feel stifled and confined, it is time to move on and to find the people and places that can support us in our next life phase.
I am sorry for all of your losses, yet grateful that you were not only able to discover what you needed, you are willing to share your journeys to help others heal worlds of hurt. Thank you, Neighbor.