1) Don’t try to make the grieving person feel better. YOU CANNOT. For many grievers it only serves to make them feel guilty or worse. Grievers MUST experience the pain of grief for healing to ultimately occur.
2) Don’t tell the griever to give it time. Time has stopped for the griever. Life proceeds in slow motion. Life is too surreal to be identified with time.
3) Don’t try to divert the griever’s attention away from their pain by talking about something else. If you do, when you exit their presence, the reality will generally hit all the harder. Also, it may seem to the grieving that you are uncomfortable with them talking to you about their grief. If they sense this, they will alienate themselves from you.
4) Don’t be afraid to talk about the person who has died by name. If it makes you uncomfortable, it may want to assess your preparedness for helping. To recover from grief, the griever must have a realistic picture of the dead.
5) Don’t be frightened by tears…the griever’s or your own. Tears are apertures of release and help the griever express their sorrow in healthy ways with your presence as a cushion of warmth and empathy.
6) Don’t be concerned about saying the right things. Let the grieving person talk. Just listen and encourage their talking. Your presence is more meaningful than anything you can say.
7) Don’t argue with grieving individuals. Instead, reassure. You may hear statements such as, “I wish I had done this or had been more considerate” and so forth. Reassure them that they did what they could have done at the time not knowing _______ (name of deceased) would die when he/she did.
8) Don’t use euphemisms and flowery language. Generally, it only makes the situation seem more artificial and unreal. For example, don’t say “passed away” or “expired” when you mean “died.” The griever need to hear “dead.”
9) Don’t be afraid of silence. Silence on the helpers part show that you do not have all the answers and do not feel the need to pretend that you do. Furthermore, it gives grievers time to process thought and express feelings.
10) Don’t make general statements of help such as “If you need me, give me a call.” Chances that they will call are almost nil. Instead, be specific. For example, tell them about a group support group being conducted in their area; or tell them you will stop by next week to see if there is some housework you can help them with; or ask if you can bring dinner by tomorrow.
11) Don’t isolate grievers. Don’t cut your conversation or visit short because you are uncomfortable or because you are too busy. (Never look at your watch or the clock in their presence). Be ready with gentle words and a listening ear. Your sincerity and concern is the best proof to the griever that he/she still has resources to draw from.
12) Don’t become impatient. Many grievers ramble on and on and repeat themselves in their shock and confusion. Supporting with patience, empathy and compassion reveals your care.
13) Don’t be judgmental or rejecting. Grievers are hurting badly. They do not need your judgments and abandonment at this difficult time in their lives.
14) Don’t tell grieving people you know how they feel. YOU DON’T. Even though many helpers have also experienced loss due to death, each experience is different and felt differently. Your pain is never someone else’s pain.
15) Don’t let your own needs determine the experience for the griever.
16) Don’t push the bereaved into new relationships before they are ready. They will let you know when they are open to new experiences.
17) Don’t impose your value system on the bereaved. Your beliefs or ways of doing things may not be theirs.
18) Don’t elaborate on your personal experiences of loss to the bereaved.
19) Don’t let the griever forget their children’s grief and special needs during this time.
20) Don’t be afraid to touch, hold, hug (etc.) the griever. The feelings generated is worth more than a thousand words.
Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. http://www.clergyservices4u.org She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: A Grief Healing Workbook, will be available soon.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THESE “DON’TS” THIS IS TRULY HOW I FEEL NOW THAT I AM GRIEVING MY HUSBANDS DEATH. PEOPLE WILL NEVER KNOW MY PAIN…….!!
The Dont’s are very very true, thank you. I lost my child when she was only a few hours old. Everyone seemed to tell me what you listed they shouldn’t. I felt as though I was really alone with my feelings.
Thank you so much for doing this. One of my best friends mom just died a while ago and it hit all of us hard. It was really difficult becaus even though we knew she was obviously hurting the most, we all were hurting. We all wanted to be there for her, but what we really wanted was her mom back. She had always been that strong person for all of us to talk to. She got us through every problem we had and when we needed her thew most she wasn’t there. What you said was EXACTLY what I wanted, and what my friend told me she wanted at that time. I just wish more people knew that…it would’ve helped A LOT! And saved us all havingto answer tough questions and remarks.
Thank you so much for these tips. I am a freshman in high school and a junior at my school just died this morning. It it me hard very quickly. For some people, it is still a shock. Thanks for putting that out there so I know these things in the future and that others can know these things because they are very true.
Thank you so much for “The Don’ts”. I lost my husband almost a year ago and about three months after his death people, including family, felt that was enough time to grieve and it was time to get on with life. What most didn’t and don’t understand is that my life, the life I loved, ended that horrible day. What drove me crazy was when someone would say “call me if you need anything”.. yeah, right. If you do know a person in grief don’t say “call me” go to them, sit with them, listen to them, bring them dinner, take them for a walk, just sit with them even in silence.
I lost my son Danny to an overdose of alcohol and prescription drugs on July 1, 2008. He was 22 years old. It has been devastating. The only thing that has helped me at all is my knowledge of the spirit world and the ability to “connect up” with Danny through thoughts, feelings, signs and of course reputable mediums. Because Dan has made me aware, (through communications with medium Glenn Dove) that he feels and is uplifted by our prayers for him, I have started a Prayer Registry for parents who have lost children. In this way many of us can link up in thought and send group prayers out to each child registered on the anniversary day of their passing. The registry has not even been in existence for a year yet and already we have heard from some of the kids, (through mediums) that the prayers are very helpful. My Danny describes it as “catching rides”. The families on this side also report feeling supported by these prayers. Please read about the Prayer Registry, for which there is no charge, at my website: http://www.sheriperl.com and please spread the word. I’d like to see this open up to a much larger group. Thank you!
Where do people find these other people who come and sit with, listen to, hold? When my family died no-one came, sat with, listened to or held. I’m an immigrant – the people I know here didn’t know my family who all lived on a different continent. They acted as if nothing had happened in my life – even the people at church. It was good to find a Grief Support Group – a short six week thing. What would have been better would have been others there with similar losses. Instead I was with a group of elderly widows – I who had lost all that I had for childhood family.