Question from Barbara: Is it normal to grieve over someone you have not seen in 30 years? Recently, a guy who was my first boyfriend when I was 15, was murdered. He was 47. I have not seen him since we were 15. I did not expect to feel so much loss. I do not remember how or why we stopped seeing each other, or how long our relationship lasted. I only have about 4 or 5 memories. I don’t understand why I feel such a deep loss. I know he was a great guy then, and know he grew up to be a great man but….I have lost other people that I had seen more recently, and did not grieve like this. It is close to the loss I felt when my father died 4 years ago. I have diaries I kept when we were together and I want to read them, looking for anwers but afraid of what I will read. Is it normal to grieve over someone you have not seen in 30 years?
Dr. David Daniels responds: Barbara, What an interesting and provocative question you ask. Well, it may not be normal “to grieve over someone you have not seen in 30 years,” but it likely is natural and healthy. This was your first love and love generates strong and enduring connections to our limbic system and to the prefrontal lobes in our brains. Newborn infants have strong limbic connection to their mothers and their early caregivers long before there is explicit memory. These connections are measurable physiologically. And infants that do not have loving contact and nurturance don’t grow and thrive. I just mention this to make explicit how enduring, vital, and important early bonds are.
Then along comes adolescence and our first romantic love connections. These too are rooted in our physiology, in our limbic system and prefrontal cortex, and serve to bond us. So it is not surprising that the passing of your first boyfriend evokes strong and unexpected feeling of loss. Remember the sadness of grief reminds us of how much we care, yes even for someone we have not seen for these 30 years. Thus your grief here likely points to how much this connection means to you. It resembles your feelings concerning your father’s death 4 years ago which simply points to the depth of this connection to your first love. Should it even be otherwise?
I can still fondly remember my first girlfriend at age 13. We only even kissed once or twice. She is still in my heart. So I suggest that you go ahead and read the “diaries I kept when we were together.” This is nothing to avoid. Let yourself feel grief, joy, love, disappointment – whatever feelings were there. Remember that which is avoided tends to persist. Grief is natural and goes hand in hand with love and care. Thank you for this question that represents the core themes of love and loss.
Dr. David Daniels, MD is clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford Medical School, a leading developer of the Enneagram system of nine personality styles, and co-author of The Essential Enneagram (Harper Collins). Visit www.enneagramworldwide.com for additional information.
Tags: grief, hope
I feel that Barbara is so lucky to have a diary to read…I too lost my first love. I only found out about a week ago and he has been gone for 3 years. I vaguely remember the picture I had of him, the journals of all that we went through together, including the night I had lost my virginity to this guy. We stopped speaking when I was sixteen. I ran into him once again when I was 23 (7 years ago). I saw that he had a wife and two very beautiful little girls. We didn’t speak. I said hello and he looked so surprised he was speechless. Little did I know when I said hello with such excitement that he was married and that his wife was standing right behind him. She basically told me to keep on going. I guess the was the very paranoid/jealous type.
Unfortunately, that was the last time I saw him. Looking just as he did when we were together. Oh how we loved each other, or at least felt that it was love. Definitely the first love. We wanted to marry…all the dreams we had together.
Finding out three years after his death has been a huge shock. I still struggle to believe it is real. I saw his grave. He still has no headstone and that breaks my heart. I try so hard to not dwell on the “what if’s” or the anger I could feel towards his wife of robbing me of a chance to see him that one last time.
My heart seems shattered. I am single and always like to date, but now I can’t. I just want to be left alone. I can’t seem to bring myself to tell people. I still cry and think about him everyday.
We had separate lives. 7 years of absolutely no contact and me going back to his hometown for work and always hoped to run into him again. Little did I know I wouldn’t. I miss him terribly. Although, he may have changed into someone completely different.
I’m glad to read the response. I say it’s as natural it can get. I wanted to act as though it was sad…but just go on with what I was doing. I find myself holding back tears. Maybe his family has had three years, but to me it just happened. It’s just that finality that makes it so difficult. He only lived to be 28. Suffered tremendously with brain tumors. Makes me wonder if the reasons I wasn’t the wife…I may not have been able to handle it as well as his did. His wife has moved on. Now she is engaged to another man. But I still think, should I visit his mom to offer my condolences even though it has been so long? And his headstone?? It’s been 3 years and I desperately want to get him one. Maybe I didn’t know him 5 years ago, but I knew him 15 years ago and I know the love I had for him.
I wish so desperately I could find the necklace he had bought for me, the ring, my diary, and his pictures…I’ve looked everywhere. Looking for old friends of his on myspace/facebook…maybe just one picture? I feel I have lost him more so. No closure. I missed him even before he was gone. Really, this all is just crushing in such a tremendous way. I feel closed off and I don’t want to be with another man, I don’t want to go to a party with my friends and get hit on by other men. I just want to go back to the cemetery to “see” him. The closet I feel I can ever be to him now.
I’m so frightened to visit his mom…but eventually maybe I will.
I JUST STARTED WRITING LETTERS TO MY FIRST LOVE IN MARCH OF 2010 AFTER 36 YEARS.HE HAD NEVER MARRIED NOR HAD ANY CHILDREN.I WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH MY SECOND MARRIAGE AT THIS TIME TOO.He and I found out in a matter of 4 months that we still loved each other very much. He told me he was sick on disability and drank beer. he failed to tell me he had cirrhosis of the liver.He probably knew he just hadn’t been to the Dr. I was with him for a week July 3-9 everyday for several hours each day. We really got close in a weeks time. He had a Dr appointment on July 20,2010. When I first saw him on July 3rd he was already very jaundice. I have never seen some one so yellow.He told me that was the first time he was yellow. He was weak, had stomach pain and I dont know what else,I know he had to go to the bathroom during our visits more than normal.I talked to him on July 13,2010. I was in the hospital back in Tennessee He lived in Michigan. He died on July 16,2010 at his home. HE didn’t live to make his dr appointment or to start our future together. My present husband is 100% supportive of me. he knows the whole story and still loves me and I’m medically off work for severe depression not only for the grieving of my first love but also from dealing with an HIV drug addicted daughter that has stressed me out. Anyway i cry everyday and miss my first love as i have never missed anybody in my whole life. Sincerely, Robin Mitchell
I have just my first love and have really been having a terrible time with this. I knew I would be sad when this would happen but never knew it would be this bad. I met him when we were 15 and we were together for almost a year and then my family moved away but we wrote letters, talked on the phone and he got to come and stay with us for 2 weeks. We moved back to my hometown 2 years later and we started dated again and then we moved again still in the same state but a different town. We kept in touch a little over the years. my Aunt lived in the same town as him and would run into him all the time and said he would talk about me so much and always wanted my # but I’m married and have been now for 23 yrs. and we have a Son. I was always afraid he would call a lot and I knew my Husband would not like this. He would call my brother and try and get my # also and would tell him we never had closure. I talked to him on Christmas Day 7 yrs. ago. He just passed away from a seizure and we are both 47 yrs. old now. My husband has been supportive but cannot believe how this has affected me especially since I haven’t seen him in over 25 years. Now I feel like I don’t have closure. I cry every day and I make sure my Husband or Son doesn’t see me. I am so sad and am obsessed with thinking about our younger days when we first met and the what ifs. I wish I would of gave him my # now so we could have talked sometime as long as it wouldn’t of hurt my marriage. I feel real depressed and know he’s not there anymore even though I didn’t see him that much anyway it is still unbelievable. Sincerely, DeeDra Sullivan
I was so glad to find this website. I just found out yesterday that my first love died one week ago. I have been married for 23 years, but for some reason I am devastated by this. I have no idea why. He is also the first from my graduating class to pass away. Reading this has helped me put my thoughts into perspective.
I too recently learned my first love passed almost a year ago. I had not seen him or spoke to him in 27 years. When I learned of his passing everything I loved about him came rushing back. The more I remember about him the more I grieve, and when I can’t remember something about him I grieve over that. I feel like I want to shut everything and everyone out and just get lost in my memories of him. How can I hurt so much when I only knew the boy and not the man he had become. I am so saddened by his death and really don’t know why after all these years. I’m married and love my husband but I feel like I’ve lost the love of my life. I was only 15 years old when we ended our relationship. He moved away and I never saw him again. I thought about him randomly through the years but now he’s all I can think about. Am I really grieving for him or my youth. I suddenly feel the same love for him I felt 27 years ago. I would give anything to see him and talk to him one more time.
I feel so like you Dawn. I found on Facebook a page “in memory of” and have been in my own wee world since dealing with the confusion of mixed feelings. He died 2yrs ago. We met at 16 and split at 22. I’m now happily married with two amazing kids. I thought of him when certain songs would come on the radio etc and knowing he was married in Australia with kids brought me happiness as I knew he’d love it there. But now I feel this gaping hole which I’m struggling to fill and make sense of. It’s made me remember so much and we ended on bad terms and I really didn’t say thank you. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world as he and my husband both treated me like a princess and I feel so blessed to have met them. My husband has been supportive and even encouraged me to go and visit my first loves dad who we found out still lives in the same house. That was hard as it stirred up so many memories and also he told me when we split he went off the rails for a long time which I hadn’t known and feel guilty about. But it was so therapeutic too to sit and reminisce. We really grew up together and until he died I hadn’t really thought about his value in my heart. And I probably never would have. I miss him. It’s a weird feeling. Maybe I always felt a comfort knowing he was somewhere in the world trying to be a good spouse and parent just like me. Like Dawn I’m tempted to look in the attic for diaries but then I feel I’m so distracted and sad that my kids are missing out and I should focus on them instead of dwelling on all this. I don’t think I realised how much I loved him. I know we wouldn’t have worked together and I’m with the man I’m meant to be but the pain of loss is so raw and real it’s really taken me by surprise. I have decided to buy a little pandora charm to wear that reminds me of a trip we took and I’m hoping that will be a little mark of respect and love and hopefully a little closure.
Thank you for this answer on this post. I to lost someone I was involved with 30 years ago and have not seen or heard from them, and when I heard they had died I felt so much grief and sadness. and was wondering was this normal to feel this way. This post made me see why I was feeling the way I did about there death. Thank you
ok my first love passed away at the sad age of 16 Matt M (07/27/76-09/12/92) he was the Love at first site and that feeling of my heart melting as I would just talk to him on the phone. I know people use to say get over him he is gone and what not. But easier said then done.. 1st love 1st Real kiss 1st everything but sex. 1st funeral I ever went to as a older adultish child. I was 16 as well. and I felt like my life should have come to end as his did and I was ready to do the same, but then I spoke a school counsellor and he helped me through my very tough time, 2 or so years of depression of his passing memories of him everything wouldn’t go away and they still wont.. I have 1 photo of him and I keep it close to me and I have had a child 6 years after his passing and he my son was named after him, my son feel honored being named after him. so anyways< I have recently come in contact with a man whom I have known for 17 year and lost track of for 14 of those years due to him moving away and this is ironicly weird.. i was thinking about him out of the blue just before Christmas and he found me on FB through a mutual friend from the past and is that fate, Coincidence or was it ment to be that he found me, now he is back and I liked him alot then (I was with my sons father at the time and didnt want to do something to make him jealous or whatever being faithful) and we texted each other for almost 14 hrs the first night of contact! Since he has been back in my life I feel the feeling I am felt before just a little different! after my first night spending the night at his house I was laying on his chest listening to his heart beat and I had a huge smile on my face.(never a smile just to cuddle with a man) it felt right! it Felt PERFECT. strangest part about this all is Both him and my 1st love have the same name just different spelling, different personalities/ some similar music likings as times have changed from 1992 to now 2014 But I feel all the same feelings! I feel safe. comfortable, confident good, no judgements like me for me kinda thing and all the feelings you should feel about yourself. for almost 21 years I felt down and unwanted not cared for couldn’t find another one to “Love” is this love or is it just feelings trying to replace what I have lost?
I met my first love when I was 17, i can’t forget the first moment I saw him. My heart skipped a beat, I knew i wouldn’t ever feel this way about anyone else in my whole life.
Last year , i got the worst phone call of my life to tell me that he had died in a fatal car accident, and when I found that out. I felt so much emptiness, like a part of me died with him.
The last living memory I have of him is getting on a bus to go home one early afternoon. I didn’t even know that was last time I’d ever see him again…
I’m so happy to have come across this page, At least I know I’m not the only person feeling like this. I am still so in love with my first love, when I found out he was murdered in 2007 I was devastated. I always had hopes of us one day being together once again. I am happily married have a daughter my life hasn’t stopped moving, but my love for him stands still, I find myself even more lately in tears in the middle of the night I question why do I keep feeling like this am I losing my mind. I met him on Summer vacation visiting my Grandmother in Detroit he was a total “bad boy”. I was 14 he was 16 and I was in love I lost my virginity that Summer and by the time I was supposed to return home I was pregnant and confused. I started drinking He hated it even told my Grandmother about it. He was the only person that knew I was pregnant, to make long story short I returned home and had a miscarriage about a month later hid that from everyone threw away my blood stain sheets and tried to pretend everything was normal but it changed me forever. We remain in contact off and on. And 6 years later I moved to Detroit and we tried to rekindle the flames but it didn’t last that long. We always were friends and I always wanted to be the one he settled down with. Years went by and then I get a call he was murdered. I think about how now him and our baby is together in heaven I pray, I miss him and long for my unborn child. It’s hard to talk about this to people so I am just venting now……
I found out about a month ago now that my first love had died in a car accident… we were together for 4 years, we had a son together, and we broke up about 3 years ago (ive known him for 7 years) it took me over two years alone just to get over the fact we werent together but the thought of knowing he was alive and well some place else and i could still talk to him made it easy… ive now been in a relationship for almost a year, planning on getting married… but even going thru this, its the hardest ive ever had to do, trying to even tell my son his father was gone was by far the HARDEST thing i ever had to do! not only grieving with the fact my son lost his father but to have so much old emotions and remembering how much love we had for each other once its hard to grasp… even at his funeral his whole family kept calling me the love of his life… i have no idea how to get passed any of this, and even helping my son cope when inside im completely torn apart.
A little over 3 months ago, I was ready the obits from my hometown paper. My former fiance, from 38 years ago, had passed away. I became suddenly depressed, and have had loss of appetite and sleeplessness ever since. I had not seen him in probably 30 years, and not spoken to him in over 35 years. I am in a constant state of grief and mourning, always wondering what if, and how my life would be different had it worked out. As many others have written, I have been married for 35 years to my wonderful husband, have two terrific children, and a great life. But he was my first love, my only other love besides my husband. It gives me comfort to see that my heartache is understandable.
I had been surfing the Internet trying to find something like this.
I just learned recently that my first love passed . Mind you, I had not seen or heard from him in 16 years. He was my first everything. I had long moved on but I never forgot him.
I , too, kept diaries about the two of us when we were together both good and bad.
When I learned of his passing, it shocked me but what is more shocking to me is that I just can’t stop crying. I tell my sister and she doesn’t understand because I haven’t been with him or seen him in so long. But it hurts deeply and I can’t explain it either.
I think what hurts the most is after we parted ways, we still kept in touch and he kept wanting to see me, often. I never found the time and now he’s gone.
Thanks for ths post.its so happening to me.2 days ago i lost my 1st love who was my long tym bf.he took my v and we had many plans and promises.we then broke up and both moved on.its bn 3 yrs now. snc iv heard abt his death i was in denial,,didnt think he would die like that and so young…at 23.yesternyt i got sooo sick and still cant explain how it happened.i felt like i was dying and now im thinking,,,could it be because of his death Nigel???altho its natural i dont want to feel this way,how do i overcome it?pls help me.
I just lost my first love. He got married a 1 year after I told him I was too young to get married. We loved and lived together for two years, then broke up. Then got back together for almost 7 more years. We saw each other again after about 25 years. Then 6 months ago he died.
I’m devastated. I loved him all these years. Thought about him daily. Even during my marriages he was always on my mind. We were best friends for all those years. Now he’s gone and I can’t get over it. His wife gave him a funeral where only 5 people showed. She put up picture of him. I felt angry about the little love she showed him and to the 5 people at the funeral.
How do I get over this?
I dont know what’s worse. I’m here as a 21 year old reading all the stories, crying because my first love when i was 15 years old has gone to heaven. I feel like my life is falling apart. I feel like i’ll never love again how i loved him. Yes we lost contact for about 4 years, but i decided to message him for one way or another a week before his death. Im living in so much regret, living with the “what if’s”, EVERYTHING reminding me of him. I’m currently in such a positive environment with my business, that is my only getaway, but as soon as i get home, im back living in the memories, reminiscing our love, and all the feelings ive never felt since then…
I also recently found out my first love passed away and felt I was going slightly mad, having such intense grief! It was totally unexpected and I didn’t understand it at all. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones, as by pure happenstance, I found out immediately and was welcomed at his funeral. I almost wish I didn’t go tbh. When I first heard he had died, I wasn’t really affected by the news I mean, I was sad of course, but I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in 30 years. His funeral changed that. Drastically!! Up until then,, it’s as though I had completely forgotten who he was as a person. I seemed to have blocked all his great qualities from my mind. Then, looking at a photo, they started playing one of his favourite songs and that was it! I was back in time and all at once, I felt utterly broken. ! I had never loved anyone the way I loved him. In fact, in that moment, i felt with certainty that I had never stopped loving him! We had a very tumultuous relationship. I broke his heart, he broke mine, but we never stayed apart for long. We always ended up back together, usually in weeks, though the last time was 3 months before I came to my senses. During what turned out to be our final breakup, I became pregnant with another mans child. I found this out just after breaking it off with my rebound guy, as I was, once again heading back to my one true love. Even a previous fling had encouraged me to go back to him! He said he knew how much we loved each other and that’s where I belonged. Obviously, being pregnant, I wasn’t able to do so, as I knew I had to commit to the father of my unborn baby. So I closed my heart to my first love and never looked back. Although standing my his ashes, looking into his beautiful eyes, I knew with sudden clarity that I always thought the time would come that we would find our way back to each other. I am now completely devastated and heartbroken. I walk around in a daze, constantly on the verge of tears. I never even apologized to him for all the hurt and now there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I feel like I have no business grieving him, in the way that I am, but I just can’t shake it. Knowing others have experienced this is a blessing. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone.
This past July, I found out my first love died back in February. We were together from age 17-21. He was 2 years older I remembered. I have been crying just about every day for 2 months. To say I am devastated and heartbroken is NOT an exaggeration. I hadn’t had any contact with him for 35 years. Every now and then I would look him up online and once found him on Facebook but never reached out. He did reach out to me on Facebook (friend request) . A still small voice told me not to respond at the time (now I regret this but am trying to accept that maybe it was my higher power protecting me and guiding me ). All I can think about is how much I loved him. I’ve been blessed to have contacted his sister who has filled me in on the details of his death and what he had been up to all the years we were out of touch. She said he saved my letters and was looking for me online. This made me cry hard but is also important to me to know he cared and thought about me too. I have been to his grave twice and feel close to him and a little peace when I’m there. Very surprised by my reaction to news of his death. Although I have a couple dear friends and a niece who have listened and helped me, I feel largely alone in my grief. I don’t think I can share my feelings with my husband without hurting him, and don’t think people really get it. Anyway, grieve away my friends…thanks for letting me know I am not alone or crazy. I have learned that love is larger than time. Time does not really exist. Love is infinity. I hadn’t talked to him in 35 years but I can hear his voice like he’s sitting right next to me. Hoping you all find peace and a way to turn your pain into something beautiful.
I have been searching for others that are grieving the death someone they loved many moons ago. My high school sweetheart passed away two weeks ago and I can’t believe how it has affected me. It has been 35 yrs since I saw him; I walked away without a word after an on again off again relationship which lasted seven years. He got involved with drugs, I could not fix him , and I knew that this was not a life that I wanted to be involved in. I moved on, got married , had two beautiful children and I’ve had a good life. I knew he had been asking about me and talking to people on and off through the years saying how sorry he was that he hurt me and he was happy to see that I had such a wonderful life. When I found out he passed I was sad but never expected to feel like this at this so many years later. I went to the funeral , I saw his family and I met his wonderful son, We had a long conversation about his dad and I told him good thing about his dad and his friends that he did not know and even gave him the only picture I had of his father from our senior year of high school, he cried and said he will carry it with him always.
It took my ex a long time to straighten out and I was so happy to hear how successful he had become,. It was a long road for him to beat his addiction only to die of a heart attack which makes it even more painful for all those who loved him.
I have cried almost every day since the viewing I am no sorry I did not have contact with him over the years. I never really had closure when I left; I guess his death is my closure.
This is a horrible feeling and I feel very guilty that I had not talked to him before he died. It seems now all the bad and hurtful things that happened towards the end are replaced by only good and happy memories.
I’m happy to have found this site, it’s just what I needed. I now realize that these are healthy and normal feelings that I am experiencing. I will always, however, regret not have verbal closure; maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
Love ya PTG.
I have been searching for others that are grieving the death someone they loved many moons ago. My high school sweetheart passed away two weeks ago and I can’t believe how it has affected me. It has been 35 yrs since I saw him; I walked away without a word after an on again off again relationship which lasted seven years. He got involved with drugs, I could not fix him , and I knew that this was not a life that I wanted to be involved in. I moved on, got married , had two beautiful children and I’ve had a good life. I knew he had been asking about me and talking to people on and off through the years saying how sorry he was that he hurt me and he was happy to see that I had such a wonderful life. When I found out he passed I was sad but never expected to feel like this at this so many years later. I went to the funeral , I saw his family and I met his wonderful son, We had a long conversation about his dad and I told him good things about his dad back then and even gave him the only picture I had of his father from our senior year of high school, he cried and said he will carry it with him always.
It took my ex a long time to straighten out and I was so happy to hear how successful he had become,. It was a long road for him to beat his addiction only to die of a heart attack which makes it even more painful for all those who loved him.
I have cried almost every day since the viewing I am no sorry I did not have contact with him over the years. I never really had closure when I left; I guess his death is my closure.
This is a horrible feeling and I feel very guilty that I had not talked to him before he died. It seems now all the bad and hurtful things that happened towards the end are replaced by only good and happy memories.
I’m happy to have found this site, it’s just what I needed. I now realize that these are healthy and normal feelings that I am experiencing. I will always, however, regret not have verbal closure; maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
Love ya PTG.
I just found out last week; February 9th that my first loved died back in November, day after Thankgiving. I was heart broken immediately. Last summer and I had a strong urge to go see him or call him or even write a letter. This lasted for a few weeks; I was obsessed with it but I’m married and I had to fight it and decided to leave it alone. Apparently he was sick and I feel like he was sending for me through our strong connection at that time. Since November last year, I have been depressed, like I just don’t feel life right now. I had no idea why though, everything was good. I now know why when I googled his name and saw the obituary. I didn’t realize how strong our connection was that I could grieve him without knowing he is even gone.
He was my first love who loved me for me. Showed me attention. We wanted to marry and have a family but my family stopped everything dead in its tracks and I disappeared and lost contact with him. I know it’s God’s plan. I just feel like a part of me is missing now. I know my husband is my soul mate; but why would I feel this way over William? I don’t understand. I can’t describe the feeling.
I grieve alone. I cry a lot. I have to make excuses why I’m crying. I feel so alone.
I feel exactly like the Kevin Sharpe song “nobody knows”..
Last Friday I went back to my hometown. I listened to our songs and took my time coming home. I’m going to his gravesite this week, I wrote him a letter. I’m getting him a rose, his favorite flower.
I hope I heal sooner than later. I have to pray for strength. Is it possible to have two soul mates???
He never married or had kids either and a part of me feels like he didn’t because he was so in love with me. He couldn’t move on. I just don’t know but it hurts me to the core. He was a sweet, kind and caring person who loved the simple things in life.
Please pray for me. I’m praying for y’all.
Heartbroken in NC
Melissa!
I am so sorry you are grieving. I relate to you so much. The rituals help. I hope visiting his gravesite brought you peace. I’ve been to the gravesite 3 times. I keep bringing momentos to leave but my original ones are still there. They survived the snowy winter! It’s been 7 months since I found out he died and I still think about him all the time. I feel like I will never get over it. Definitely a life changing event. I am praying for you!
So glad that I am not alone . I met my first love when I was 15 & he was 17. Our moms set us up as they thought we would be cute together. I remember every date, what he smelled like, tasted like, etc. It’s all fresh in my mind like it was yesterday. Last time I saw him I was 23. I loved him since we met, I called my mom during our date & told her idk why but I think I’m going to love this boy the rest of my life. I really did. We ere on & off for 8 years which is a long time, he was the longest relationship that I had. I’ve had others but I wasn’t in love with any of them. He was always in my heart & mind. I randomly had a dream 2 weeks ago he was in it , I asked what he was doing here. He turned to look & didn’t say anything. I woke up wondering why all of a sudden i dreamed about him? I got curious & looked him up online which I always look people up from my past just to be nosey but I never bother them or anything. First thing that came up was an obituary. he died in March, 5 months prior to the dream. I stared in disbelief not wanting it to be real. My mind racing through every feeling every memory. Things I never thought about before I suddenly remember. I was alone & started screaming just as I did when I lost my mom. Every day since I found out, I have cried myself to sleep. I listened to our songs watched movies we seen together . I have talked about it to others but nobody seems to understand. I have a boyfriend but to be perfectly honest, it’s not the same. I’m not even happy anymore. I never married or had kids. He married 3 times none lasting more than 2 years & he had 4 kids all diff moms. If he would have shown up on my doorstep & just asked me to marry him I would have. He meant more to me than any other guy I ever met. When I hugged him the last time it felt like home that I was home. I never felt that with anyone. As of now I’m just going through the grieving process & it’s so hard. I’m working a lot to try & get my mind on something else but once it’s quiet once I’m alone, my mind wanders into that place where I was with him holding his hand resting my head oh his shoulder as his thumb moved back & forth on my hand. I will always love him.
Just found this web site-found out yesterday that my first real love had passed from covid last month. And I’m having a hard time dealing with it! We were a couple all thru high school-my first in sex-had my heart broken many times by her,yet I loved her with all my heart! Of course we talked of marriage. After our final breakup,I went off to college,met someone and married. Always wondering what became of her. After nearly 50 yrs, I saw and talked to her at her younger brothers funeral-she introduced me to her husband. We kind of stayed connected after that thru Facebook-she went thru a divorce and sort of lost her way. Then I heard yesterday that she contracted covid and had passed! I am still in shock! And there’s a big hole in my heart! Why? I mean, I wasn’t in love with her anymore- why do I hurt so and feel like I should have been there for her in her final days? Why do I hurt so?
I also am thankful to find this website. I had a dream about my first love a couple of weeks ago, I definitely thought of him over the years even though I have been married for close to 30 years. Wondering if he had married, kids….
I decided to google him, what came up was his mother’s 2009 obituary that read “preceding her in death, her son…(he has been gone 14 years next week)
I wasn’t expecting to feel this upset, sadness, loss.
At 23, he was my first love. It only lasted a year, he broke my heart and I think he felt guilty for hurting me. we tried so hard to stay friends for a few years after but eventually the our entire group of friends just moved on and lost touch.
I wish I would have taken time out of my busy life to track him down him.
Now that I have “grown up” I just felt the need to tell him:
“it was ok that you broke my heart because it made me a stronger person and it’s ok for me to keep a special place in my heart for you. Once upon a time I WAS so in love with you, so it’s ok for me to always love you”
I need to figure out how to get past this…..a different heart break for sure
Wow. I am not alone. Nov. 5, 2021, I found out my first love passed away. In 1997 at 31 years old. At first I wasn’t sure how to feel. Then a few days went by and I was overcome with memories of he and I, good and bad. I started to weep for him. He broke up with me and we both moved on. I learned so much from that relationship and grateful to have experienced it with him. I married my second love. He never married. I have reached out to his parents and expressed my sorrow. They have acknowledged me. Everyone processes grief a bit differently. Take the time to grieve. And remember we will all be together someday.
Barbara’s story although not exactly the same as mine is the reason why I am here now. I asked the question on Google is it right to grieve for someone you first met 53 years ago. Both Barbara and her story plus the answer submitted has helped me in so many ways. Being a married man although presently separated and being a father too was making me believe that I was not only selfish to those living but also that I must be insane to carry on grieving for my first love who I found had passed away nine years ago.
I would like to share my story with you but it is a long one so I am just asking if anyone is interested and if anyone can understand how rotten I am feeling everyday since learning of my first lives death.
My mom just pass away on 9-22-2022 @ 6pm i have not seen my mom over 10 years my brother took her away from me as her care person. My lie and told me she on her death bed 2 years ago I get to the hospital and I get told if I don’t know the password I can’t see her my brother doing. Now I got a call from Funeral Home telling me my mom has past away. I was so upset and hurt by this news. I can’t stop crying over this. He told my the state is look for me because all the neglect and abuse that I did turns out he lye about this. I want to if I can make him pay for the damage he done
I’m not alone. I met my first love when I was 9 years old in the 5th grade and from there we were alter kids together (they just accepted girls) and I can tell you we didn’t get along at all. But we ended up graduating junior high school together and things changed when we went into High School. We ended up having a crush on each other and he ended up showing up to a sweet 16th birthday and we became a couple that night and everything ended about 7 months later my heart was broken. He came back into my life 3 years later but he wasn’t the same person but I still loved him but then he cut me out of his life pretty hard. I was 21 he was 22 and he ended up getting married with a woman 10 years his senior and I moved on with my life had a daughter and that was it but I still thought about him over the years and then I saw him in 2015 at a store but I completely ignored him a part of me was still hurt that he cut me out of his life like that and I can tell he wanted me to say hello but my ego got in the way. June 20th 2020 he passed away and I cried the entire summer, reading through old journals that I wrote about him when I was young, I was devastated! I didn’t understand why. I’m guessing I just never had that closure and what hurt the most was I was told that he was walking by my own neighborhood before he died looking at my old window. I’m a lot better now but I’m always going to have love for him.
Thank you, I am going through something very similar. Thought I was losing my mind….so thank you!
In memory of Sally: Grieving the death of one’s first love:
Thank you for this website.
The details of my first real love are complicated and too difficult for me to go into depth here, but we met when I was nineteen and she was eighteen and still at school in 1975. I adored her and we were in touch until I was thirty two and she was thirty one with long gaps in between. As I said it is too complicated to go into details of the ‘whys’ and ‘what happened’ and I apologise for that!
I heard from one of her old school friends that she had died of ovarian cancer in February of this year 2023 aged 66. The news has devastated me and although I am happily married with two adult boys I am still grieving her loss very badly. My wife is supportive and knows that Sally meant an awful lot to me.
Sally sadly never married and I will always remember her with the greatest love and affection.
It is good to know that others are affected in this same way when one has lost a first love and it shows how much we cared for those we have lost. All the best to you all!
I lost my first love last September 2022. I met him in college when I was 20, we were together on and off for four years. B was my first in everything. He moved away when I was 22 and I tried to date but couldn’t, I was too in love with him. I was seeing him when he came home for visits but they were few. I didn’t think that he loved me as much as I loved him. I met my future husband while at work when I was 24 and fell in love. Several months in to the relationship with my soon to be husband B. called me up and asked me to come to Chicago, he was ready for a relationship. I said I was involved with someone else and could not see him, that was the end. I got engaged a year and half later. He heard, came to see me and asked me to not marry my husband. I asked him to please just be happy for me. I ran into him a year later while moving my mother into an apartment a week after I had married, they were going to be next door neighbors. The pain in his face destroyed me. I ran into him many times over the years, he was always the kindest, warmest man. He married and had 4 children. I thought of him often, googling him too see what became of him. 34 years later I saw on Facebook a fund raiser for him, he had cancer. I donated and heard immediately from his best friend thanking me for the donation. He said that they were reminiscing about their college days and I came up. He said he would keep me posted. 2 weeks later he told me that B had died. The night after he died I had a dream, B said I love you but I have to go and kissed me goodbye. He turned to show me he was wearing a basketball jersey which I didn’t understand. I went to the funeral, one of his best friends spoke, at the end of his eulogy he said “when you think of B, think of him in heaven with his basketball jersey on”. I didn’t know that he played basketball and it all came as a shock, was it a visit? As I was leaving the funeral I ran into one of his closest friends who told me how much B had loved me. The grief hit so hard, I wasn’t able to eat, I was playing songs on repeat and crying. I’m in the most loving marriage to the greatest man with two wonderful boys and I don’t know why this is devastating me so. I found this site while googling why I was struggling with the loss of a boyfriend from so long ago. Reading your stories helped me so much that I’m sharing mine if it helps just one person.
My first love passed away last week – unexpectedly and tragically at the age of 54. When we first met I was 14, but I knew the moment I very first set eyes on him that I would love him with all that I am for the rest of my days – I couldn’t even find the words to describe the emotion this person invoked in me, it blew my mind and has continued to do so over the past 36 years even though we were not together for most of that time.
Even though I was so young, our relationship was intense, and I fell pregnant. My parents stepped in and forced me to have a termination, and while my heart broke, I watched his break too. Our angel baby would forever bind us in our grief.
My parents realised that forbidding us from seeing one another was a fruitless exercise and reluctantly allowed our relationship to continue and develop, but somehow, despite being as careful as possible, I fell pregnant a second time, only by the time I realised, much to my utter distress, our established relationship had ended, although we still stayed in touch and saw each other occasionally.
I didn’t tell.anyone except my best friend about the baby because I knew what my parents would force me to do, only this time i would be grieving alone, but as time went by, and my shape behan to change slightly, I realised I would have to face him. He didn’t believe me, and that was as heartbreaking as everything else that had been happening.
Eventually I could hide it no longer from my parents, and had to face their inevitable decision. I’d managed to pluck up.the courage to speak to my Grandmother, who had been kind and offered to help and support me when explaining the situation to my parents, but just to add to the tragedy, she passed away only a few weeks later before we had chance to speak to my Mum and Dad. Once again I was alone with the little one inside me, who I longed to bring into the world and raise, even if it meant my being alone.
The day my parents found out, it was like a nuclear bomb had exploded. All hell broke lose and my Father drove to my ex-boyfriend’s home to confront him and his parents, but my best friend had pre-warned him and so he escaped a beating. The following day, I was marched into the hospital to have my baby ripped from me. I was 16 weeks pregnant by this time and had to endure the agony of birth, knowng that my child, no matter how small, would be taken from me the second he or she appeared in the world. Another part of my soul died that day.
In the following years, I eventually met the man who would become my husband, and we welcomed 4 beautiful children into our family, my ex-boyfriend had 3 children of similar ages and occasionally his name would crop up in conversations with old friends, and my heart would flutter each and every time.
I wondered, almost daily, if he ever thought about our babies or me, or what could have been, and then, by chance we reconnected over 31byears after we had parted. My husband and I were in the middle of separating that wasnt common knowledge, so coming across my ex-boyfriend had felt like a sign that I was on the right path.
We met and talked over all the memories we had shared,- good and bad, how we felt about our lost children, and it was clear that we.both still held that love we’d once had for one another, but the timing wasn’t right – life was too complicated at the time and we both had other people depending on us, so our feelings had to be put on the back burner once again.
That was 4 years ago. We spoke occasionally in the intervening time, but nothing much more than a “happy Birthday” or “Merry Christmas”. Then last week I read the news that he had passed and my world is crumbling!
I’ve remained single, I don’t want or need a relationship after the trauma my ex-husband caused, but the first amity of hearing that my first love is no longer here in this world is devastating. All those years, even though we hadn’t been in touch, I knew that he was living his life, and after speaking to him, I knew that he had thought of me often too over that time – that the experiences and memories we shared were still alive, if a little faded.
And now he’s gone. I can’t pass a day without shedding tears, and there are little things happening all around me that remind me of him – a song on the radio, a smell, certain words ….and everything it’s like a knife stabbing my heart. It hurts. I’m hurt … I’m.angry and I’m.hurt that we never really had a chance even though the love was there. But most of all I feel like a fraud, silently grieving a person I barely knew anymore. I don’t feel that I can be openly sad, but I don’t know how to carry on without him in the world. I’ve missed him everyday since we parted, but now that loss is final and the gravity of it is immense and all consuming. I can’t get him out of my mind. I never imagined it would.feel like this …. in fact, I never imagined a time when he wouldn’t just be there, somewhere, anywhere.
And I too would liken his passing to that of my Grandmother – that how impactful it feels .. how empty the world feels. Life can be so cruel, but we have to soldier on .. life goes on for those of us left behind, but nobody will ever mean as much as that first love.
I just learned my first love from 1992 and 93. There was a break between. I avoided boys in high school and college. I knew there would be plenty of time for men later.
Pete was my very furst love. There was a strong connection and I was so happy being around him. But things shifted and he cheated on me. Then he proclaimed his love and we got back together. It took 6 weeks for me to realize I didn’t trust him. The relationship was over.
I have poems I wrote about him. The ones filled with love and passion and the ones with heart break. I remember the night we met, the furst kissing the 3 mrd date that went on forever. There was so much chemistry. I know I needed him as my first love and not my forever love.
But we ended things on good terms. My Mom wanted me to go back with him she’d never seen me so happy, as I was with him.bur I was so miserable too. He broke my trust.
Through the years we kept touch. I had a gnawing feeling fir 5 months to go see him. But I hadn’t had the time for the 2 plus hour drive. I waited and tge day I went to see him at his business I learned he died 3 days prior and buried that morning.
I have been crying on and off. I know I loved him and my love for him will be with me always. But I wish I had gone 5 months earlier. To see him one last time. One 15 minute conversation. I hold no romantic feelings for him.
He married, I married, We had our own families and I was happy for him. But since his passing, the spot in my heart where my love for him will always live, has me raw.
I need to sat goodbye and I will do it in my own time. I see his smile and his eyes. Joking and laughing. That is how I remember him.