Grieving the Loss of a Narcissist

As if grieving a loved one isn’t enough, it can become exponentially more complex when we lose someone in our lives that was narcissistic or sociopathic. In so many cultures we are vehemently taught not to speak ill of the dead. It is a lovely and loving custom, but what if the deceased spoke ill of you or was abusive to you in any way. Grieving the loss of a narcissist takes skill.

This is a particularly difficult dynamic if the loss was a parent. You feel forced to go through the stages of grief, but with the added feature that you are not only mourning this parent you lost, but the one you will never get. There is now the realization that there will be no conversation towards resolution of any grievances. It is not a coincidence we call complaints, grievances.

Internal emotional stunting or blunting are symptoms of trauma that a narcissistic, sadistic or sociopathic person can create. The finality of their death can be overwhelming because you are left with the emotional and physical scars. You may be angry at yourself or others in your family or inner circle for allowing them to hurt you.

Trauma Bond May Have Formed

Grieving the loss of a narcissist is further complicated if you have had cognitive dissonance with this person. If you were gaslighted or brainwashed with intermittent reinforcement, it can create a trauma bond. In simpler terms, this person may have been intermittently wonderful and horrible to you. They may have idealized you and devalued you in cycles that left you with self-doubt feeling like you were the crazy one. You would keep them in your life only to be harmed over and over again. You may have chosen no contact, but again, there is no resolution or closure. The wounds have re-opened by their passing.

Some of these personality types are so adept at fooling people that only a handful of people in your life may know their insidious, dark side. If you are one of the few, it can make the loss ever more difficult to process. Many people around you may be expressing how wonderful this person was. They may be referred to as “the life of the party,” or “so much fun” or “an amazing person”. If someone is bigger than life to others and they only see through the filter the disordered person created, you may have a hard time finding many people to provide support or understanding. The good news is you don’t need many.

Healthy Coping with Death of a Narcissist

There are things you can do in grieving the loss of a narcissist or sociopathic person. Here are some healthy ways and hopefully they will inspire you to incorporate them in finding more of your own.

1.   Reduce cognitive dissonance: If the person was indeed intermittently wonderful, then horrible, realize this is the same person. No longer split the person into two. Don’t say, “There was two of them”. There was only one. Cognitive dissonance is holding on to two incongruent beliefs simultaneously. An example in a grief situation would be if someone said, “I know your dad was physically abusive, but he sent you to the best schools and provided a great lifestyle for you.” This could potentially leave you with dissonance that could create feeling shame or guilt, which would reinforce any residual feelings of self-doubt the narcissist planted. See the whole person and not two conflicting ones to reduce dissonance. The same person who did wonderful things was the same one who did you harm. Integrate that truth. Narcissistic and sociopathic people are very calculated in how they make you believe you are loved, but they lack the ability. They only “love” when it is of use to them. What you thought was love usually had an agenda. You can analyze it on your own or seek supportive care.
2.   Allow yourself to feel all your emotions: This person is gone, and you can be who you want to be. You are no longer an extension of their image, nor do you have to please or appease them anymore. Find some relief in the grief, guilt free.
3.   Mourn the person you will never have: This can be tricky, but it is another way of integrating your grief with reality. You will never get the validation, or love you felt you needed. Grieve that internal pain with compassionate self-awareness and hope for brighter days without that person hurting you anymore.
4.   Reflect on what you learned from the relationship: Take time to see how you may have had a role in perpetuation of their harm to you or others. Gain perspective by being introspective. You have learned from this. Gain the positive wisdom and the sorrow will dissipate.
5.   Take inventory of your life: Beyond learning, this is proactive. Sort out the past and make a vision for how you want your future to be. It is time to divest of the past and invest in your future. Think about how you want life to be now that this person no longer has any influence over you.
6.   Purge painful souvenirs: If anything brings you pain, such as letters, cards, emails, gifts or other tangible items that remind you of that person that makes you feel any negative emotions, donate, sell, delete or disperse them. This may take some time, or you may want to do it quickly. It’s your choice and do it as it comforts you.
7.   Seek professional help: This can’t be stressed enough. Grief specialists are well versed in complex bereavement and helping you navigate the murky waters of the mixed emotions of grief.

Patience While Recovering from Death of a Narcissist

Grieving the loss of a narcissist takes time and self-care. Be patient with yourself and others who may not know or want to hear your side of the story. Discuss the grief with supportive people. There may be legal or emotional issues to clean up after the loss of this person, but as soon as you’ve processed them to the best of your ability, move toward the future.

You can do what you want now. Be with those who love you or find new friends or experiences that will make you feel better about yourself. When you have reached acceptance of what you cannot change, change the way you live your life. You are no longer under control of the narcissist or sociopath and enjoy your freedom after you have processed the emotional baggage. You will travel lighter and brighter through the days ahead.

Read more from Mary Joye on Open to Hope: This Valentine’s Day, Turn Your Loss into Valuing Yourself – Open to Hope

Visit Mary Joye’s website at Winter Haven Counselor Family Therapy | Couples Therapy | Anxiety Therapy Winter Haven, FL (winterhavencounseling.com).