Guilt is Unique During Bereavement
During bereavement, we may feel guilty. Guilt is different from shame, embarrassment, regret or anger. Here’s how:
Shame is the result of an event that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation. Death may bring feelings of shame mixed with guilt. For example, a woman whose husband is shot and killed by police during his commission of a burglary may feel ashamed of the way he died and guilty that she was not aware of his illegal activity. Shame is partly based upon our perception of what others think of us.
Looking back on what she felt when her baby died at birth, a mother stated:
I lost all sense of worth, felt useless and had no confidence in anything I did.
Most of all, I now know I never felt worthy of giving myself any praise.
I felt a failure and I tried to carry on as normal to compensate for failing
everyone else.
In this instance, the mother may not have correctly identified her reaction as shame. Because grief elicits such a confusing array of emotions, it is common for a person to have difficulty sorting out feelings.
Embarrassment is when we feel self-conscious or ill-at-ease. Some bereaved people who feel guilty report feeling highly self-conscious about the circumstances surrounding the death. This may be especially true if they believe that they did something to contribute to the death or could have done something to prevent the death. Some family members whose loved one died by suicide report feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment.
Regret happens when a person feels distress over an unfulfilled desire or an action that should or could have been performed or not performed. Much of the guilt that people feel is related to regret. Statements such as “I should’ve,” “Why didn’t I?” and “If only . . .” are examples of the regret component of guilt.
Therese Rando points out that anger is a natural response to being deprived of something valued. Guilt and anger are two of the most powerful grief reactions in the human experience.
Anger and Guilt in Vicious Circle
In addition, anger is related to the third of the five guilt reactions noted by Esser: defiance. For instance, a person coping with guilt-related bereavement may become increasingly disagreeable and obstinate. It may be his or her way of coping with guilt feelings.
During the year following the death of his father from AIDS, eleven-year-old Timmy changed from a cooperative fifth grader to an angry and defiant sixth grader. By working with the school counselor, Timmy and his mother began to understand the connection between the tremendous guilt, shame, and embarrassment he was carrying and his acting-out behavior.
Sometimes anger and guilt become intertwined into a vicious circle. The bereaved person who feels guilty is likely to feel self-anger for his or her real or imagined sins. This self-anger can spill onto other people, causing more feelings of guilt, self-anger, and possibly the defiance reactions discussed above. Thus, guilt can cause more anger, which in turn can lead to increased feelings of guilt, leading to more anger, and so on.
An example of this is when Timmy said to his counselor, “After I yelled at my teacher, I felt bad about it. And then I yelled at my friends. This made me feel even worse. It was like I put myself in a trap I couldn’t get out of.”
Excerpted from Understanding Guilt During Bereavement: Bob Baugher, Ph.D., Kris Baugher: 9780963597519: Amazon.com: Books.
Learn more about Bob Baugher at www.bobbaugher.com.
Read more from Bob on Open to Hope: Feeling Guilty after a Suicide – Open to Hope
