Adrianne writes in: Do you have any audios in your archive that deals with how to handle your in-laws after your husband dies? My husband died 2 years ago from cancer. Prior to his passing, his siblings became angry with him because he set limitations on visits during his battle due to his chemo. They felt they should come and visit with him as much as they wanted. But it wasn’t what my husband wanted.
So due to the anger of that situation other things were brought to the surface. By the time my husband was hospitalized he was finished with all the fighting and refused to see them after he was hospitalized. He died without saying goodbye.
Now that he’s gone I don’t hear from them. I’m ready to see them …. however I’m not sure how to go about making it happen. If you have an audio on the subject I’d appreciate it if you could instruct me on how to acquire it. I hope I will hear from you soon.
Dr. Gloria Horsley responds: Dear Adrianne: In-law relationships are very tricky especially when the biological family member has died. I am so sorry to hear about how difficult your husband’s relationships were with his siblings prior to
his death. You of course had no option but to respect his wishes. You did not say whether you had children. I assume you do and that makes for a strong connection with in-laws. Anyway, your desire to now connect is admirable.
I would suggest that you proceed very carefully. Connect with a family member that you feel comfortable with and don’t take them on as a whole. Check it out and see how safe the environment is. You don’t want to end up splitting family members into
those who support you and those who don’t. Be kind and loving and understand that some family members may be very slow to warm up to you. Recognize that there will be some family members you just don’t have a life contract with. Connect up with other widows as they will understand and support you on your journey. Also, get my book, The In-law Survival Guide. Lots of great advice on dealing with in- laws. Unfortunately we do not have an audio that deals with how to handle the in-laws after your husband dies. We filmed one for YouTube on in-laws that should be out in the next couple of weeks. When it is available, you can find it at http://www.youtube.com/opentohope. Thanks for contacting us and good luck in your
healing.
Dr. Gloria
Tags: grief, hope
I was married to Bob (one of 4 siblings) and have one child, the oldest of his generation. Bob died. Dennis had 2 baby mommas and one child with each. Dennis has also passed. Gail had a baby daddy and a husband and one child with each. And then we have Gary, who had one wife and no children when Bob died. She was the only one related to my husband before his death. Then Gary divorced wife no. 1. He married wife no. 2 and had one child and ended up in divorce court. He later signed custody of his child to his ex as her new husband wanted to adopt him. Then he married wife no. 3 and had 3 children. They divorced and he married wife no. 4. He had 3 children with her and they divorced. Then he died. My question is, am I related to any or all of the 4 ex-wives and 2 baby mommas and 1 baby daddy and their 11 children? Four of these children have, collectively 6 children. Am I sister-in-law to the 4 ex-wives, one baby daddy and one baby momma currently living, an aunt to the 11 children and a great aunt to 6? The husband of my sister-in-law has passed away, as well as one baby momma. Is this a conundrum, or just a sticky wicket? I assume my son is related to everyone, or is he. And . . . the last and . . . are we related to the boy who was adopted out of the family? I’m expecting to meet with about 20 of the above next month (spouses included-yea! Spouses!). A reply would be greatly appreciated. Sandie.
My husband’s first wife died 5 yrs ago. They had 3 kids. Her family is very tight. Her mother and sister were adamantly opposed to him marrying me. They are feminists; I’m not. They hoped he would marry somebody with money; I’m on disability. They did their best to break us up but our relationship survived. We did wait longer to get married the what we preferred to make his kids and her family happy, but they were not happy.
We’ve been married 2 years. My husband still attends they late wife’s family gatherings because he was considered part of their family for 36 years and he watched his nieces and nephews grow up and he was good friends with his in-laws. I go with him because he wants me to but I feel out of place. His late wife’s dad wants me to come. He says I am part of the family (and this is because he loves my husband,) but others do not feel the same toward me, I am sure.
My step kids are all adults and they are having a hard time getting over their mother’s death. I understand this and I know that they may feel disloyal to their mom if they accept me as part of their family. But their mother talked to them before she died about how they needed to make sure their dad found somebody to love again. He chose me. Our relationship is much more loving than what he had with his late wife. He said i give him much more what he needs than what his late wife did. While that helps me i am sure that his children also notice the difference and may resent it.
I try to do motherly things for them, but I still feel the coolness. And of course my husband always brings up the topic of his late wife when ever he is with the kids or her late family in my presence. I smile and bear it but I cringe inside.
What do I do? Do I pull into myself and accept the coolness and wait on them to reach out? The daughter and middle son are especially cool toward me. The daughter would not pose with us in our wedding photo. The son treats me like I’m a practically a stranger. The oldest boy likes me because I make him food. He is a single guy.
Do you have any tips for me?
I was married to a Priest and we divorce for 7 years. I was ok with certain members of the his family and friend(other Priest). We have two kids born from our marriage. To my surprise I was chased away at his Aunts house during the arrangement for the burial. I was only there for the support of my kids nothing else. They are more angry now because I produced the will that we had before the divorce. am still very angry for getting married to this man. The church has also taken side of the family I hate the Priest of this church more than anything.
My husband died suddenly 2 years ago. My relationship with his father was fine, until I moved out of our home to seek a new start.
Prior to my moving out, I told him I would take care of sprucing up the place afterwards, but that he needed to give me time. My new home wasn’t fully ready yet but I was under pressure by his brother (husband’s uncle) to move out because they wanted to use that home to store their belongings. Plus I needed to schedule the contractors to do it and they were tied up during that time. During this time, I kept him informed on the status of getting the work started, which he acknowledged.
Without letting me know, he went ahead and told his brother to fix up the place right after I moved out. Then he emailed me to tell me it was all done, despite my telling him I was going to take care of it. Fast forward a few months later, I asked about an artwork I had left behind, and he said the locks had all been changed and if I wanted it, to contact his brother. He then started saying I needed to be responsible for the work his brother had done on the place. I said NO, because he never once tried to contact me to tell me that his brother was taking care of it. He never even gave me chance. And he got really angry at me for not paying for the work done on the place. That was when he started saying things like he paid for this and that because my husband had asked him to do so. He started saying things like “It must be good to live at MY apartment rent-free all this time huh!”, ‘You left it in a disgusting state and you need to be responsible for it!’ and “I paid for your xxx, and your xxx.” Really nasty, spiteful stuff.
My late husband wanted to move to this place, with encouragement by his father. It was a condo by the beach his grandparents had willed to his father, and which the rest of the family hardly used, as they were living in a different state. We paid everything – the HOA fees, the bills, everything else related to the place. His dad was always cool about it, never heard anything about rent, until after my husband passed.
Suddenly it was all about ‘You owe me this and that.’. He even mentioned the time he so ‘graciously’ paid for the few hotel rooms for our wedding guests from 2010, but that he wasn’t going to ask me for the money (So why bring it up?) This man would have tried to claim every single cent he spent raising my husband, if he could. I’ve already paid him back the entire funeral costs, money I owed him to sell my late husband’s new car and more. Even then, it never seems enough for him. I’ve since seen a side of him where he denies saying things he’s said and then speaking differently behind my back.
I almost feel like he’s just angry and grieving about his son’s passing and taking it all out on me. Is this normal? I have always had a great relationship with him all this time, but it all changed especially after I said I was moving out.
I hope for his sake he seeks therapy, and that he takes responsibility for his behavior. This bridge is unfortunately burnt for good.
I AM A WIDOW FOR A YEAR NOW MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY FROM CANCER 4TH FEB 2021 AND NOW MY IN LAWS ARE BECOMING VERY DEPENDANT ON ME SINCE HIS PASSING MYBROTHER IN LAW AND SISTER IN LAW DONT HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH THERE PARENTS AND THAT IS VERY ANNOYING BECAUSE THEY ARE DEPENDANT ON ME INSTEAD OF LETTING ME LIVE MY LIFEWITH MY SON I AM FROM UK ORIGINALLY AND AM NOW THINKING OF MOVING HOME BECAUSE IVE HAD ENOUGH WAT WOULD BEYOUR ADVICE
My mother- in law lives in my house. When she moved in my husband was still alive but died shortly after she moved in. I don’t want her in my house any longer and her grand children won’t find her a place to go. What can I do ?
I recently lost my husband of 45 years. He grew up with his cousins and has a fairly large family. His family did not show up to his funeral. The funeral was out of state, which I understand was difficult for some to travel. Many did not even call me or send condolence cards. I do understand many are older and not well. We do live in different states but I thought at least a phone call or a card would be received from them. I was hurt not so much for me but for my husband. His family just didn’t even acknowledge that he passed away. I am trying to hold back my tears and anger. There were a few who were respectful and called or sent a card or both. I have decided not to get upset but instead to never forget how they treated my husband and us, his family, during this difficult time. It will not bring my husband back to get upset. Plus I am dealing with my grief issues and I need to focus on that. But I feel like writing something and putting it on Facebook to “out” those family members without placing names in it. Is that a bad idea? I feel it would help me release my anger for how they treated us during this difficult time.