My first wife died several weeks ago. We were married almost thirty years, we have four kids and four grandsons, and we were divorced four years ago. Donna was sick for many years, and her body finally gave out. As sad as it was, it was also a relief. As I am fond of saying, The Angel of Death is not always an enemy, and in this case it was true. But as difficult as the last years might have been between us, her death created new and wrenching dilemmas for me and the kids.
I know nobody wants to talk about this, but with our national divorce rate climbing higher and higher, there are now more “exes” in our society than ever before, and eventually they will die. What should we feel when that happens? How will we mourn spouses that at one time loved us, and we loved them? How can we reverently say goodbye to those with whom we made a life and sometimes kids; spouses with whom we had mutual friends, created memories and shared life-stories together? At the end of the relationship, perhaps we were not in love any longer, but that doesn’t mean we did not still have deep emotions about them. Love doesn’t die when the divorce is granted.
The death of a “less-than-loved-one” is in truth a double death. First, they died, and we are left with all the feelings connected with the death of anyone we knew and loved. But second, the possibility of healing the pain of the broken marriage has now also died. No more can we pretend that we can “make it right” with them, that time is now over forever. Can we heal after their death? Yes, but it is much easier to do so when they were alive. We are confronted with the death of the present, and in addition the death of the future. It’s not at all easy, take it from me.
So this double death now translates into numerous decisions which must be made:
Do we attend the funeral or not?
If they did not want us to attend, do we do so anyway out of respect and the need to say good-bye? Or do we stay home?
What do we say to our kids, especially if they are divided in their loyalties between their parents?
How should we act toward former in-laws?
How do friends console friends in this situation? What is the proper condolence?
These are new questions for me. I made my decisions, as do you in your situation. What is “the right way?” I have no idea. All I do know is that it hurts. I pray that Donn’s soul is now resting peacefully, with no more pain and suffering. She has gone, but those grief issues will remain with me for a very long time.
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Beautifully written. I just lost my son’s father, we were married for 12 years, but it has been 17 years ago. You bring up all the points I am struggling with and there are absolutely no “right” answers but make every decision with respect for yourself and the family of your lost ex.
Thank you.
After 30 years of marriage I got up the nerve to leave what had been a very empty relationship. She died suddenly 3 years latter, in the hospital on a Friday and gone the next Monday. Your article hit the problem square on-you never get to resolve anything. I will never forget trying to apologize to a comatose woman and I don’t think that the grief and guilt will ever go away.
My ex died suddenly this past Saturday from a sudden massive coronary. He was 47 years old. We were married for almost 20 years. We have been divorced for five and we still were ‘at odds’ with each other, borderline hate…
We have three grown children. Their pain is tearing me up inside. I feel so bad that I couldn’t have patched things up enough to get along with their father. They loved him so much! I tried a couple of times, but there was just no going back to even friendship and it always ended up worse than what it was before.
I cry and cry and cry. I think i am crying for my children’s pain, but sometimes, I think I am crying for the what ifs. What if we could have gotten along? Maybe I could have made him go get checked out when he kept passing out. I don’t know and now I will never know, but I feel this tremendous sorrow and guilt.
I don’t know how to help them with their pain. Losing a parent is the worst pain I have ever felt, and they are so young! 20, 22, and 23. And it was so unexpected!!!
Is this normal? Am I crazy for feeling this grief?
I lost my ex in June 2009. Fortunately for both of us we were able to remain friends, it took time, but as the years passed we spent Christmas and Thankgiving holidays alternately at each other respective homes. Celebrated our children’s birthdays and various other family clelebrations. I have also remained close to his mother and siblings over the years. We made the effort for our children even though he remarried shortly after our divorce, We were able to work thru our issues because we make our children the first priority and we both made the effort to make the divorce work for our childrens sake. Not all couples are able to do that so I feel we were given a gift. He died suddenly, and fortunately for me, and him we were able to express our thoughts of forgiveness over the years. For those who have written, regardless of if you had been able to come together and resolve some of the issues it makes no difference. I feel the pain just as strongly, and we were able to move into separate lives but still respect each other and create a separate life away from marriage for the sake of our children. I am unable to tell whether my sorrow is for what my children, now adults, are going through, or for myself and my feelings that if things had been different, maybe how it ended would be different.
I am sure there is a way, to make peace with the loss but I have yet to find that. I do find comfort in a visit to his gravesite on occasion. I fear I will need to go to counseling once again, which I did to get thru the divorce, just to understand why I am feeling this way and help me to move forward. I was the last to leave his room and say goodbye that day in June. And though I was not his current wife, I made sure he received the blessings of his church and his God before he passed. I find comfort in that, but I know this Christmas, it was his time for us all to gather in his home and celebrate the season. It will be hard.
On morning of october 14th while by ex-was on his way to work he was killed by a drunk driver. That early morning I woke up at 1:30 in the morning and could not go to sleep. As I was falling asleep around 4am I thought that I heard a banging at my bedroom window and then I got the scariest feeling ever. I shut my eyes real tight and had this stange sensation all over my body. When I woke up in the morning I was surfing the tv and they announced that there was a fatality involving a black mazda,since I didnt know anyone that drove a black mazda I turned the tv off and headed to work.
I during the funeral planning I discovered that he did not tell his family the real reason why we split up ( he told them that he had lost his job and came home one day and I had moved in with another man) so they treated me like I did’nt exist (even though I had 3 children by him and he never remarried)They told my children that they should not take my advise because they were grown and should not depend on their mother for advise. I told my children that If I am feeling the way I feel I can’t imagine how they feel. when I was cleaning his house I came across some journals and after reading them I thought I was the meanest person in the world ( my children thought that that they were funny and warned me that I would get mad when I read them. He recorded every argument we had,but would write a sentence regarding what I said during the argument. Never what he said. I came to terms with myself that one person cannot argue and I did my best to make things work.I actually don’t know if I am angry with him and should’nt be because he is dead. Also all the sudden my children have all these new advisors. He was well insured and they will be getting quit a bit of money. My guys have a feeling that no one was around when they were growing up and suffering and entertain these new relatives just to be polite. Also I discovered that during our relationship he fathered another daughter. with all this new information do I have a right to be angry?
June 5th 2005 was the worst day of my life. I was awoke by a phone call at around 8:30 am it was my ex-husbands sister she was frantic and crying and said Kim and I said “Julie whats wrong what happened”? Julie was crying and said “its Andres he was in a motercycle accident and he died”. I rembember feeling like I was in a dream a very bad dream and said “NO No Julie oh NO no oh my god Adriana”. She said “I know Kim I am so sorry” as she was crying. Adriana is my daughter I shared with Andres. We had been seperated for 6 years and divorced for about 10 months. In divorce we shared anger, friendship, love. careing, support, and the best thing of all what made us have all of those things dureing and after divorce was our Daughter Adriana. Adriana was 10 the day I got that call. She had spoke to her Daddy that Saturday June 4th 2005 on the phone we shared custody of our little girl and it was my weekend. I was remarried at this point with a little boy whom was 5 at the time. I got off of the phone and was in complete shock. I felt like I was in a nightmare dream it seemed like the air was thick and heavy I could hardly catch my breath. I had to tell my baby girl her Daddy had died. I had to break by baby girls heart. I could not do that I remember saying I will not do it I am not telling her that. Adriana was still sleeping at this time and I called my mom for support and then my husband. They both came to help me tell Adriana her Daddy had died early in the morning doing what he loved and that was ride his Harley and hang out with friends. After I told Adriana her Daddy was in Heaven the shock was over us and the days ahead would be a nightmare. Greif after divorce is horribly lonely. I have been judged for keeping my ex-husbands memory alive for our daughter. It will be 5 years this June 5th 2010 and the last several years have been spent lonely and full of judgemental people who do not understand my grief. At this time now I am getting ready to go through a divorce the death of my ex-husband has been very hard on my marriage. My current husbands family and even some of my family feel I should stop talking about my ex-husband I should just forget about him and let my daughter move on. I fight them all and tell them they do not understand I am keeping his memory alive for our daughter. I have been judged and treated like I am some crazy person for the way my ex-husband death has affected me. I have felt so alone and so misunderstood about this situation and continue to everyday deal with the life change of raiseing a little girl without her Daddy here on earth. The ex spouse grief is horrible and people just do not get it. People can be so cold and judgemental what a shame. This place is a lonely one. I am through the worst part of my grief now and am doing better than I have in a long time but now I am angry and fed up with people judgeing me for the way I choose to keep my daughters fathers memory alive for ever for her. I hope my story can help someone else know they are not alone and that grief over a ex-spouse is very normal. God Bless!!! Kimberly Goeppert