By Elizabeth Devita-Raeburn —
If you poke around in sibling loss literature, one unanswered question you come across is–does losing a sibling make sibling survivors more or less likely to have children? And do they tend to have “extra” children, just in case they lose one?
FYI, I don’t have an answer to this. In my case, I simply had too much baggage to deal with to have children earlier in life. (I had my son, Henry, at 40.) But the question does interest me. As does the issue of how sibling survivors, like myself, parent siblings (something I have no experience with). At any rate, I’ve always got an eye peeled for references to this subject, so I was intrigued to see it brought up by Giada De Laurentiis.
I had no idea that Giada had lost a sibling. Partly, I guess, that’s because she apparently didn’t talk about it for a long time. Her story in brief: Giada is the eldest of four kids. (Her grandfather, for the record, was film producer Dino De Laurentiis.) A few years ago, her brother, Dino, died of melanoma.
I’ve seen and heard Giada, a new mother, make comments lately about almost not having children, because the thought of having to face the loss of one, after the loss of her brother, was too much to contemplate. In some references I’ve seen, it looks like her daughter was an accident, but she’s grateful it happened, because she’s not sure she would have had her otherwise. In the Redbook excerpt, below, the story is cast a little differently. Either way, the struggle of surviving siblings re: kids is in evidence.
One of my younger brothers was diagnosed with skin cancer at 29 and passed away not too long after that. We were very close. He always wanted to have children, but he didn’t get to. And after he died, I remember thinking, You know, maybe there’s a place in my heart for someone else other than all the people I already have in my life. I know I was very afraid…. My brother’s passing made me afraid, I think because I was afraid that we could have a child and lose him or her too. I didn’t know if I could go through that kind of pain with anybody else the way I did with my brother. So for a while, I was very down on the whole idea. I thought, I don’t want to have any more relationships. I don’t want to have anybody that close to me. But a few years later, I thought, If I never have a child, that might be the saddest thing for me.
I can totally relate. I don’t regret having a child, or having one later in life. But I think I tend to be over-protective of Henry because I do know that horrible things can and do happen to children. There’s a lost innocence that comes with childhood sibling loss. I wouldn’t trade Henry for anything, but, truthfully, I do feel terribly vulnerable in an entirely new realm now that he’s here.
Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn is the author of The Empty Room: Surviving Sibling Loss, a memoir and journalistic exploration of sibling loss. Her brother, Ted, suffered from a rare immune deficiency disorder and spent 8 ½ years in an isolation room behind a plastic curtain before he died. He was one of two boys upon whom the movie “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble” was based. She is a contributing writer for More magazine, and has also written for Self, Discover, Psychology Today and Harper’s Bazaar, among other publications. Elizabeth is currently working on a new book, The Death of Cancer, with her father, Dr. Vincent T. DeVita. She lives in New York City with her husband, writer Paul Raeburn, and her son, Henry. To learn more about Elizabeth and her work go to: www.devitaraeburn.com or visit her blog: www.tedishere.blogspot.com. Elizabeth also edits www.opentohopesiblingloss.com.
Tags: Depression, grief, hope
Dear Group,
By way of introduction, my name is Cary Ballas, and I live in Landenberg, PA right outside of Wilmington, Delaware.
I am the mother of three children – ages 6, 5, and 2.
In 2005, our son, Finlay passed away suddenly and unexpectedly at four months, 29 days of age.
Our family embarked upon the difficult process of losing a child, and became rapidly aware of the lack of reading material out there pertaining to death (for children) – especially those who lose brothers and sisters, like Finlay’s two brothers and now his younger sister.
While countless novels and essays exist for adults, few choices existed for children, or even for parents and children to read together.
Recently, my five year old son, Hunter, (and Finlay’s older brother by ten months) and I wrote a story together about our family’s loss of Finlay.
It is being published by Halo Publishing Company and is available in their bookstore on their website.
There is also a facebook fan page (just under Finlay’s Garden) that tells about the book, and how it is designed to explain death to children who have experienced the loss of loved ones.
Please feel free to share this info with anyone in your community and/or networks if you wish.
This story is designed to share with parents and children how our family has learned to very much keep Finlay’s spirit alive and present in our everyday lives,
Yet to simultaneously accept the tragedy that our family has faced.
I thought that it may be of value to some of the people who use your website.
Death is a very difficult concept for us as adults to understand,
Let alone, for us to try to explain to children of young ages.
I firmly believe that if there should be more literature out there for families like ours and yours,
Who are forced to explain death to youngsters.
Hunter and I wrote our story, titled, “Finlay’s Garden, An Intuitive Look Into Death And The Miracle Of Life, For The Young And The Young At Heart”, in a way that provides hope, peace, and acceptance for both the young and the young at heart.
We also wrote the book so that it could not only relate to children and/or families who have lost a child, but also for anyone enduring the loss of any loved one.
If our experience could in any way, shape, or form help another child, parent, or family to cope with loss, it would help to keep Finlay’s spirit alive and helping others, which is what he was, and is, all about!
My family extends to you, your group, and its tremendous supporters, our best wishes and regards.
I have the very most respect for families who lose children, especially those dealing with the circumstances which your organization directly helps, inspires, and guides.
They are truly inspiring!
I thank you for your time and interest,
And I would love to connect with you at some point!
Your website seems like a wonderful resource, and I am so glad that I came across it!
Please feel free to pass our information on to your community.
Hunter and I feel quite strongly that people with similar losses need to stick together in this world,
And if any individuals, families, or siblings could at all be helped by using our story,
It would be our greatest honor!
Regards –
Cary Ballas
Children’s author and illustrator
484 371 8200
Cjaneb877@comcast.net
Elizabeth,
After hearing the stories in a grief support group of families who lost one or more siblings, I knew I would have more than one child. We stopped at two, but it definitely influenced our decisions.
Scott