The Grief of Losing My Husband
On February 4, 2009, I woke up to find that my husband had died in his sleep from an undetected heart condition. He was forty-nine years old. I was thirty-nine. It was the biggest shock of my life. The first two hours were a blur of emotion, pain, fear, shock, and denial. The next two and a half years have been a lesson in living life much more openly, deeply, and presently.
In the immediate aftermath of his death, I discovered I had two choices. I could either surrender to what had happened, or instead, choose to fight the reality of it all.
Initially, I fought the reality and life was hard. I felt alone, afraid, hurt, angry and even guilty. With Mark gone, I was instantly and solely in charge of our home, cars, finances, and children. I thought ‘Til death do us part?’ Well, what if I wasn’t ready? I felt abandoned, and could not overcome the thought that Mark was supposed to be there with me to help me take care of everything. Deep down I knew he couldn’t be there, but accepting that meant accepting the fact that he really was gone. And I wasn’t ready for that, so the battle continued.
Surrendering to Grief
A few weeks after Mark died, a close friend said something to me that changed my perception at the core. She said, “Jennifer, no matter what happens in the future, you will always have lost your husband. There is nothing you can do about that. For the rest of your life it will be a part of who you are. You don’t have to ever ‘get over it.’”
I realized with those words that I didn’t have to act any certain way. I didn’t have to get rid of my grief. I didn’t have to be anything I wasn’t. I was a widow and nothing would ever change that. Not even my deepest thought that it wasn’t true. It gave me the long-term view I needed in order to let go of the pressure I was putting on myself to be ‘fixed.’
After I heard those words, I began to surrender to all of my emotions, including grief. In these moments of surrender, there were glimmers of hope, love and life. For lack of a better way to explain it, angels took over and miracles began happening. Almost mysteriously, life began taking care of itself. The right person walked in the room at the right time, needed items appeared without even asking. It was as if the universe was saying, “Yes, this happened, and yes, it will all be OK. Because no matter how hard it seems, there is something right about this.”
Surrendering Helped with Healing
Upon surrendering, I was able to acknowledge all of the people who appeared who wanted to help me with my kids, my home, my work…everything. And, more importantly, I learned how to let them help. I’d always thrived on handling everything on my own, but because of my new life I had to let go of that independence.
It was impossible for me to handle everything Mark and I had handled before. I HAD to let people help me. I even had to ASK for help. It was an entirely new concept. Like no other time before I saw that there were lots of people in my life who wanted to help, who even felt helpless if I didn’t let them help. So, I started to let them; and in the process I became closer to them. I really felt their love and energy in my life.
Taking Care of Myself
After my world started to smooth out a bit from the huge turbulent waves of the first few months, I knew there was another step. I had to rely entirely on myself for one thing—taking care of me. Nobody else could do that in the long run. So, each day I began to do something for me.
I quickly realized that it didn’t have to be anything big. I could make a cup of tea and breathe in the steam for a few minutes. Or, take a short walk around the block with my dog. Or, listen to music that made me happy. Or, go to a funny movie. These little ‘me’ moments kept my spirit afloat at times when the alternative was to drown.
Even now, after years have gone by and times still sneak up on me and grip my heart and gut like nothing else can, I breathe and remember to surrender and feel everything I’m feeling. Because one thing I know for sure is that Mark is still a part of my life. Sometimes it’s just a glimpse of something that could have been, which leads to sadness in missing him. But I know that the sadness is simply a reminder that I’m human, alive and can love. And that reminder is a blessing that I will always cherish.
Jennifer Hawkins 2012
Jennifer- your words are compelling and beautiful. I will be sure and share this with a dear friend who lost her (33 yr old) husband recently.
I believe many will be encouraged by your story.
God’s peace, Beth Marshall
Jennifer, what strength you have. Maybe you can help me. My dad died two years ago aged 77. He knew he had prostate cancer and that it had spread to his bones. He was told he may have 5 years, he survived for four of those years and in pain most of that time. My mum was a tower of strength when he died and for the first 3 months organising the funeral, bills etc. Over the last year she has started to give up her bowls club and other activities. She wont shop in the local town, go on a bus anything. My daughter and I tried back in October taking her places, pushing her to go here and there,having her for dinner which seemed to work but after xmas when i suggested she walk to her church or shops she just said she couldnt. I ask her to come shopping of visit a friend or church and she wont come. Of late she isnt washing her hair and her baths are once every couple of weeks. Ive arranged for her to see another cousillor this week (she has already seen two and on antidepressants)at her home which she knows nothing about as she will worry and not see her. I feel that i havent grieved for my dad as i am worrying about mum so much but it is beginning to take its toll on me as i now feel i am going to crumble if something isnt done to help mum. I will pass on what you have done but she can only see how she feels and nothing else matters Thank you – Good luck to you and your family
Thank you for writing this because for the next couple of days I will surrender to grief. I lost my husband on Jan. 27,2012. I feel all these strange emotions. Im so sad and depressed and Im trying to hide it from my family and friends. I am meeting with a grief counselor, but nothing helps. I just feel constant pain and guilt. Its been 6 weeks now, and I feel a little relief, thanks again for the insite on how to cope. The 1st couple of weeks I wanted to run from the pain and supress it, but just like you wrote Surrendering to the Grief helps.
Like you I lost mine due to a sudden Massive heart attack and I am feeliiing lost. He was only 35 years old. I am only 30 and have a two year old son. I just keep wondering why and where were the warning signs. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is him gasping for AIR AND then collapsing as his breathing stopped and why they could not save him. He was the only man I ever loved and I was with him for 10 years. Its not fair forr him to leave me and his children like this.
I lost my precious husband April 12, 2012 @ 9:26pm….Tom and I met in traffic on a busy road in Houston,Tx July1, 2011 Riding along I noticed this Jeep and this Guy looking over at me…So..for 13 miles of bumper to bumper traffic we smiled and glanced over at one another. Finally I rolled down my window and said “Dude why dont you just pull over”. Tom pulled over 4 lanes of NO traffic and I pulled in behind him, I stepped out of my car and Tom said “I love your grey hair”…O God I said I met Miss Clariol She didnot like Me….we laughed and Tom asked me to lunch and we never left each others side…November 1, 2011 we were married…Tom and I had an amazing Love Affair. Two people just wanting to Love and Be Loved….Tom was to retire in December 2012 and we were to Sail off in the sunset on the Coast of Somewhere Beautiful in Texas…April 12, 2012 Things changed. Tom came home early and said Lets go buy those motorcycles Today…we bought his/hers motorcycles..we had looked at them 3 times in the past week…we parked our Jeep and jumped on our bikes and headed home, we dropped mine off and I got on back of Tom and we headed back to get the Jeep…Tom 6’5 leggs and elbows and gorgeous and gorgeous grey hair and I said Babe how you feel…O Darling Tom said,,,,I feel like a King and your my Queen…we rode to a little diner and had dinner and we picked up the jeep…As I was behind Tom, Tom on his new Bike and me in our Jeep…I said Lord I praise you for that man, I thank you Lord for the love and friendship and respect you have given us both for one another and the Love Affair we both dreamed of that has come true through your love and tenderness for us…Thank you Lord for loving Tom and I and for this gift of Love we share…As Tom turned onto a four lane to a two lane Tom was driving along and I saw Tom take his eyes off the road as I saw his head look over to his left at the handle bars to low beam/high beam his lights…then I saw the car and Tom slam into each other and Toms body flip in mid air and snap in half right in front of my eyes….Im sharing this detail only as it helps me…and I know that in all things I serve a Loving, Living God that loves and comforts his children…I slammed on the brakes and turned around the jeep and ran over to my precious handsome husband to find his beautiful body broken. I survived that…How by grace and grace alone…I wish that on no one ever…Tom and I have a amazingly beautiful Love story everyone saw us together and said they gave up on Love til seeing us together…We had a Glow and we had IT…I beg of you that have Lost,,,you Lived too…always remember the Lived part of your life together…remember the IT factor and the special moments..when you cant…do it anyway…ask God to restore your favor and ask God for the strength to endure the days to come…Also, Go get Jesus Calling by Sarah Young…an amazing devotional and helpful outlet to express our hurts…Ive cried all morning I look at our life in pictures and I want IT all back, I want to hear Tom call me Precious…Tom never called me by my name…ever…I miss his touch, his giggle and I miss Tom holding my hand at night while we laid side by side as he prayed us to sleep…So thats my story….I pray that each and every one of you who has lost and lived with your partner…trust God to restore you again, trust Gods promise to never leave our side and trust God that he will Never give us more than we can bare without HIM….may tender mercies and the softens of Gods voice give you peace that passes all understanding all the days of your life…KellyAnnetteVoelz, Kingwood, Texas 2012
Wow, I surely will heed this piece of advice.
It is early days so I am still feeling very lonely, confused, vulnerable, isolated, alienated, dismissed etc. etc. My husband suffered for many years with arterial vasular disease and his first amputation was some 9 years ago and from then his other leg was not good for a few years so he suffered with extreme pain and it was very difficult to witness his pain. On the 27th Nov 2011 his prosthetic leg which had just been resprung and redone was too heavy and he had a struggle lifting his right stump (fortunately below the knee) with this heavy artificial leg; resulting in him breaking the femur and his hip. They tried to operate but he could not undertake the anaesthetics and he was sent to a rehabilitation hospital to build up his upper body and to have the stump put into manual traction. Whilst he was immobile his ‘good’ leg went gangerous and he had to have his remaining leg amputated. During the time in this hospital because of the drugs for pain he suffered dementia and it was so very difficult for us as his family to witness. With all the medication he was on and through the operation to remove his leg, he went through total dementia where he was in ICU without being aware of what had happened to him and living in decades prior to this terrible ordeal.
He would just not understand that he now had no legs and in his mind he was still working for a computer company which he was with for over 25 years. He made it out of ICU and was in a ward with other people but went through such anguish and paranoia – when he finally knew and understood what had happened to him, he failed to eat and a drip was inserted but only saline and antibiotics. I felt towards the end that the doctors should give him morphine or something for pain but morphine was given once – on the Saturday – on the Sunday when I spoke to the new doctor on duty he said ‘He does not believe in euthanasia (sp) and if I did not abide by the rules of their hospital I must please take him home. I never asked for an overdose of any sort all – All I asked that his pain be controlled because all they were giving him were antibotics. Anyhow on the Wednesday before my husband spoke his last words to me. He said ‘ I have had enough …Promise to be kind to yourself.’ That was before the weekend when they gave him morphine once and then the altercation/misunderstanding with the doctor on duty who I never did have the ‘pleasure’ of meeting. My husband then proceed to go into septic shock with both stumps really unattended and not properly treated and pnemonia set in and we had to witness his demise until he died. So from the Wednesday, his last words to me until he died on the Monday…………on the Monday morning when I was there at the hospital early – I was told that he was being transferred back to the rehabilitation hospital. He died an hour later……………………….!! He was in a first class hospital and surrounded with all that was required to make his transition peaceful. It was not afforded to him We, his family knew that this was his final moment and yet that hospital denied him a peaceful death. It upsets me. My husband suffered and I am not asking for his life back – however the way he was treated has upset us all. We have had to release it all and continue life as my husband would expect – no regrets, happiness, joy and meaning and to embrace life completely. I dont think I will send this – it has been a healing exercise but I have left it behind and moving on. It has been over 6 months since his ‘accident’ and 4 months since his death. When does it get easier. I have released the above; but moving on is difficult and people who were so concerned and supportive during his time in hospital and at his funeral; who have promised support and comfort have never come to the fore. Only a few people have made contact but for the rest there is silence. One wonders…..about people who promise to make contact after the funeral – I do understand that life goes on and one thing I have learnt is to have no expectations and never ever promise anything that you cannot fulfill.. When people reassure you and you have expectations; they only lead to disappointments. We can only rely on ourselves and the God that lives inside of us all. We are stronger than we ever thought!! I release the doctors, staff who were unsympathetic, friends and family who have not shown any compassion – I release them in love and understanding. What happened, happened. My husband was not a well man for many years but somehow I feel the situation could have been handled differently; with more love and compassion. I just know that I am very blessed when I look around; my life, my family, my grandchildren, my work, my friends and my enthusiasm to live life fully and in total gratitude and appreciation. I thank my Tony for everything. Love, Wendy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Thank you for once again sharing my heartache. I feel better today and I am sure the tomorrows will be more accepting and calm. I have a book called ‘Meditations to heal your life’ and I open it every day and wherever it opens is meant to be for me. I find those messages so relevant ,so perfect for me for the day ahead. It just makes one think more creatively and to provide another way to approach our experiences in life.
On death she writes ‘ I live and die every day’. We all come in during the middle of the movie, and we leave in the middle of the movie. There is no right time or wrong time. Death is not a failure Everyone goes. It is a normal and natural process. As the door to this life closes, the door to the next life opens. The love we take with us greets us in our next experience. Death is a releasing method of being born into the next phase of everlasting, eternal life. I know that no matter where I am, I am always safe, and loved and totally supported by life.’ However those of us left alone or being separated from our children and loved ones find it very difficult to move forward. Time does help and heal; but we have to use the time constructively and make efforts to continue no matter how difficult circumstances are. We are blessed, we are loved and we may not understand fully the reasons for the things that life brings but in the fuller picture; at a later stage we will get full understanding. Life is a wonderful gift – only – some souls only live enough time for them to bring lessons into our lives – for us to learn and to show compassion to one another. In 2002 I lost my grandchild when Rebecca was 9 months old and that is a huge story and many lessons learnt – she showed us many spiritual truths and I honestly feel deep inside, that was her role; to be with us for a little time and to teach us unconditional love and gratitude. God Bless. I believe there are reasons for everything in life – we are interconnected and part of the Universal Spirit of Love and whatever we experience and whoever comes into our lives does so for a reason. We have so many lessons to learn from one another. Lots of Love, Wendy
I just lost my Husband . He was 49 and died in the night following our anniversary. I feel like my heart is being torn away from me. I see and feel him everywhere. I miss him so much. we were together for 30 years, I was only 16. I am now afraid, he was my protector, my soul mate, my friend, my lover and I held him while his kids and I watched him die in our home, sudden ruptured aortic aneurysm. People tell me it will get better, I hope so. This is who I am now. I will never be whole again. Thank you for sharing. Im sad and cried for us all.
My name is alisa i am from Dubai, i want to thank Dr.Uadiale for the spell he did for me after i lost my husband to another lady at his working place, Dr.Uadiale cast a spell for me and in 3 days my husband return home to my kids with so much love,if you need his help!! contact druadialespelltemple@gmail.com
I lost my beloved wife two month back due to a sudden cardiac arrest. She was only 32 yr old and died a month after giving birth to my second son. I was always known for my courage to face difficult situations but I have lost everything now. I can’t live without her. I feel the responsibility of raising up my 2 children but this grief is killing me. I want to be with her as soon as possible.
My husband died after Spinal Surgery. He was 56 I am 46 all I feel is absolute pain. I grieve and want to be with him again. Why is it I’m here , when most of the people I love are gone?
Hi,
I understand how you feel.
I lost my husband suddenly due to a brainstroke.
It happenned 3 years ago …
I still miss him..
Still can’t understand why…
We were married for 25 years .
Life is not the same since then..
Will always miss him..
Good morning Jennifer your words are a breath of fresh air to me I could of not said it better . I too lost my husband shortly after you and to read your words that mirrow my pain and sorrow remind me that I am not alone. Thanks for sharing as I wipe back my years I pray some one else day is lifted and comforted a reading such a sincere narrative. I hope the best for you n your family.
Thank you much for sharing I recently lost jy husband from a heart attack he wss 49 and I’m 40 it was very unexpected and we have two girls 11 n 15..I feel the beginning of this is me however I’m not at the end.
Sincerely
Candy
Very moving
I lost my 44 year old husband suddenly 10 days ago. The grief is overwhelming and I identify with everything you have written. Thank you. This has offered me some comfort in my time of horrific loneliness and lost x
Thank you. My husband passed away July 3rd. He was 47. We have 2 daughter’s 18 & 23. We would have celebrated our 25 wedding anniversary this September. He was my best friend and the love of my life. A piece of me died that day. We did everything together. We loved being together Every day. I don’t know how to do this without him him. I have an amazing mother that is also a widow. She is staying with us for a while. Thank the Lord for her. I feel lost and it physically hurts missing him so much.
Melissa
Just read your post
I too lost my husband 29 years of marriage
I’m 52 he was 67 .
Perhaps we can help one another
Simply – thank you.
It’s good to read other people’s sad stories as you’re not alone. I lost my dear hard working husband on 10 December 2017. He’d been treated for breathlessness in the form of inhalers but there were times he’d just say to me I just don’t feel well. He’d been to the docs on the Friday and by Saturday night had slight chest pain, went to bed and at 3.30am I awoke to a terrible noise beside me thinking he’s snoring funny. Anyway I soon panicked realising he wasn’t breathing properly. In the next few minutes my daughter and I were giving him cpr under instruction! The paramedics tried so hard but it was too late. I’m left with guilt for not calling someone when he felt unwell the previous day, I hate the doctors for not checking his heart as the coroner said it was a heart attack due to a furred up artery. So many ifs buts and maybes are driving me crazy to the point I can’t concentrate and everything’s taking me so much slower than before. I keep seeing him walking from the station with his heavy rucksack and getting in the car to come home. How I miss his evening call to say he’s on the train and will be half an hour. He made such a fuss of milo our puppy, nothing he did would annoy him! I’ve taken a little comfort in these early days from a balloon! Yes an orange Halloween balloon that has found its way into our garden over the past few days. His birthday was 31 October 1955 and my son first noticed it at the gate. He knew I believed in ‘signs’ as I would always mention my dads ‘signs’ from the other side. That balloon has not flown away in the strong winds but meandered its way to the lounge door and hovers as if to come in! The dog stares at it and sometimes growls but who knows! It’s still there and I’ve begun to talk to it too just like I often talk to Keith about things. I would suggest people talk to their loved ones that have passed as I do believe they can hear you. I just hope that one day I may be able to talk about him without breaking down. He was my first real love, my best friend and soulmate. My provider, so now I’m having to sell up and seek help in any way I can. We have 2 beautiful grown up children who will always be part of him and also have great support from my Family. Anyway, I just hope I get through the funeral without collapsing, maybe I will find an inner strength. Love you Keith now and forever
Thank you for sharing your story. My husband of 23 years also died in his sleep of a heart attack on August 2016. Your words gave me hope.
I’m entering the second year and mostly feel scared and I miss him horribly.
I have 3 kids ages 22, 19 and 18. Taking care of them and being with them has helped me tremendously.
Your story made me realize I cannot hurry my grief, I just need to let it come in.
Sometimes I feel after 16 months I should be “back to normal”, not feeling so sad, so lonely.
You reminded me this will be an ongoing feeling for the rest of my life.
So beautifully written. I have a young friend who had only been married for a few years and had a baby girl of under a year, when she suddenly lost her husband in a helicopter crash. That was in November. She is devastated and battling and I don’t always have the right words to say, but your words have the loss of a spouse in perspective and I can now pass on some valuable advice to her. Bless you and thank you.
Sincerely,
Merle
I am so very happy I searched for help and found your site. Not only can I relate to what I think your going through, but was able to grasp more of the feelings that my sister is going through. I have 2 older sisters, a few weeks ago my oldest sister died at the age of 69 from a lung disease. While she was in the hospital, her husband died 2 days prior to her death, which left my niece and nephew (in their 30’s) with no parents at the same time. It was heartwrenching dealing with the grief of my sister and the worry of my niece and nephew. Recently (about 3 weeks later) my other sister arrived home to find her husband who must have had a cardiac arrest and was passed away. He had been in good health, no signs of anything. And an absolute wonderful human being!! There are no words to describe the pain and sadness that my family has had to endure losing 3 family members within 3 weeks…there are no words. In any event, being that this was so sudden and unexpected, my sister (married for 30 something years) is feeling what I can’t really explain, but can only imagine because I feel so much pain and I’m not her! She also has a learning disabled daughter of 35 years. I know time is a healing thing, but in the meantime is there anything more she can do to speed up the healing process? Its very upsetting for me not to be able to help her feel better. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless when you are used to being the fixer upper most of the time. If you or anyone can enlighten her with words of wisdom, that would be so appreciated. I am Joanne her sister with thanks to you and anyone that can reach out. <3
Your story is truly inspiring story. My husband died of cancer aged 65, I am 54.we had been together nearly twenty years. He’s only been dead a few weeks, I can’t image my life without him. I’ve tried to “pull” myself together and at times I do. This time I have spent two days in my nightwear, curtains shut, not answering the phone. I’ve text family and told them I am having a rough couple of days and I’ll call them soon. I can’t live without him ,I love him and miss him so much. I can’t see life ever being the same again. What is there to get up for……. nothing.
Dear Jen
Thank you for the article.its 6 months since I have lost my soulmate my better half for the last 20 years.i coped through the hospital week and his death but I understand now that I do not have to be fixed or get strong for others.I take each day with a beautiful smile a heartfelt thankfulness to God and appreciate each day and its offerings to the best of my abilities whilst I raise my 5 year old daughter. All the very best and I pray that we all reunite together in the hereafter in gardens of bliss with our beloved.
Thank you so much for this post. I lost my husband one week ago. He also died in his sleep. He was 32 years old. I am 24. And we have 9 months old baby boy. I still don’t know how to feel and live. But between all the emotions of grief, I have the feeling that everything is going to be fine.
Hi Jennifer,
My name is Bianca and my beloved husband Jamal just died 2 weeks ago today. It was very very sudden (a blood clot in his leg that reached to his lungs. He was gone in a matter of 15-20 minutes and it happened in our home). He was 48 and we had just recently got married 7 months ago but we’ve been together exclusively for 5 years. Your blog has brought IMMENSE comfort to me today on the two week anniversary. Thank you so much for writing this. I felt and feel very much the way you felt in how you dealt with your husband’s passing. We had no children (except our cat Zana who is also grieving with me). I too have been extremely organized and independent and have had to begin to accept and ask for help. New emotion for me too. I so related to your article and thank you so much for sharing. It has brought me so much comfort today. God bless you and your family and your beloved husband Mark.
Thank you for your blog. I lost Corban to sudden death 6 weeks ago, he was 35. I had spent the previous 48 hours with him and had been with him up until 15:00pm that Saturday. I last spoke to him at 18:00pm that night and when I rang on my break from work he didn’t answer. I did a Police Welfare check the next day and he was found dead on his living room floor. We have no cause of death and still await Toxicology report and an inquest. I live with constant guilt that it’s my fault and the lack of belief that it’s really happened no matter how many times I say it out loud. I’m scared that I’ll never feel as happy as when he was alive. X
My husband died 4 weeks ago. I really don’t know how I live, but I live. I live having him on my mind, I live with tears in my eyes, I live with distress in my stomach. But I live. For myself but also for him. I don’t want to forget the good moments we shared, nor the bad ones, but that was the way we lived together. We were not perfect. I will always miss him but I know I will survive because I want him to be proud of me. Life is stronger than death, I will live and see what future wants of me.
Tq for this lovely write up. It means a lot to me since I’m also travelling in the same boat as you..
I lost my husband to what we think was a heart attack 2 days ago. I’m an emotional wreck. We have been together for 5 years and married for 2 years this July. He was 50 and I’m 52… He is my everything. I feel so guilty because I was knit picking him for stupid stuff the day before, like not emptying the dish washer etc… Oh my god, I would give anything to have to do that now…I had gone out with my girlfriends after work on the Wednesday evening and so he was already in bed when I got home. I gave him a big hug and told him that I loved him and gave him kisses on his back. I know he heard me because he mumbled love you too baby…he kissed me before he went to work the next morning and I asked him if he was okay because I’d heard him puking in the bathroom. He said his coffee had bothered him. I meant to call him on my way to work that morning but I didn’t….then I got the call at work, he was in the hospital, by the time I got there he was gone. My world has fallen apart. I go from anxiety, to panic, crying, wondering what I’m going to do without him..and the guilt is horrendous….I’ve even wished to die so that I can be with him..I’m lost, but reading all your messages..about what everyone else is going through, has certainly helped, I’m not going to hide my grief and a second at a time is all I can do…soon it will be a minute at a time, then an hour, then a day…. I know I will survive this.
My Honey passed away 6-1-18 after 32 mostly very happy years. Thank you for writing this. Thank you.
I am so grateful for you to have shared your feelings and everything you went through. I recently just lost my fiance in April and i have three children and I feel guilty too because he died in his sleep, I was taking care of our youngest son and he passed away a couple feet from me and I blame myself for this. My fiance was just 38 years old and Im 34 years old, what makes it harder on me was we were planning on officially getting married this year, calendar marked, had vendors ready to go that i had to call off, etc..He had several health factors that lead to his heart stopping that the doctors said it would have happened one way or another. Thank You for sharing and since reading your life story, I feel like there is hope and am eternally grateful I came across this to read it. Thank You!
Just what I needed to hear. Everyone keeps telling me what a strong woman I am and I just want to scream to the top of my lungs, “NO I’M NOT! I WAS STRONG BECAUSE I KNEW FRANK WOULD BE THERE IF I COULDN’T BE STRONG!”. We were two pieces of a whole. What good is a car without gas or a TV without electricity? He was my gas, my electricity.
What I have learned since his passing June 1, 2018 is that he is still those things to me. For 32 years he helped to make me the strong woman that everybody sees. I know how he would counsel me in certain situations. So yes, maybe I really am that strong woman, but it’s because I still rely on him for strength.
Thank you. My husband of 30-1/2 years, past in February 2018, devoted to each other for 34 years. I’m still in pain, but moving on. Sold our beautiful home in Sonora Calif. and moving to Condo in Dana Point, Ca. to be closer to family. I came upon your post and was inspired. I’m older than you but we were in our 30’s when we fell in love. Everyone knew our love and thought I wouldn’t survive the loss. I will, but it’s painful. Thank God for my family and friends. Thank you again‼️??Patty
I lost my husband march 2018. I’m so stuck. I miss him everyday. We have 4 children married 16 years. I’m lost. I need some encouraging words. I read this and I get it but I’m not there yet. Thank you for sharing. Oneday I Pray it helps me
Lost my husband of 18 years on Aug. 24, 2018, to “widow maker” heart attack. He went to bed at 11 pm, I woke at 4:30 am and he wasn’t in bed. Found him sitting on couch, already gone. He was 66, and had started drawing social security 2 months prior. He was working part-time but was going to reduce his hours. He had no health problems, on no meds and had just had annual physical. I just retired in December.
Like you said, everything was such a shock. We were finally planning time to be together and enjoy life. It was never to be.
The hardest part for me is knowing that everything he was….is truly gone from this world. He was my soul’s mate and I miss him terribly. The house is quiet. I have no one to laugh with…share my day with. I now have to let go of many of our dreams and plans and start over. I find it difficult to imagine my future.
I know I will never get over his loss and that is ok. Yes, I will ask for help when I need it because we all need community to survive.
Your post was needed comfort.
I am a 28 years old lost my 34 years old man he just feel sick on tuesday late then Wednesday we took him to the doctor they said he is having sugar diabetes then on thursday he passed away and i can’t sleep at night am having fear now my mom must sleep with me is not easy at all he passed on the 14 March 2019
I lost my 52 year old husband five months ago in a car accident. He was never meant to be taken from Jason suddenly and the words that you write are incredibly touching and close to my heart. Like you, I came to a cross roads where I could either choose to surrender to.my grief and circumstances or choose to live and show my three beautiful children that we can still have a fabulous life ahead of us. Whilst we will never get to feel Peter’s touch again, he will always be a part of our lives. For us, the pain is still very raw but I too have noticed that I have found a new importance in being aware of my surroundings. Listening to birds chirping, smelling roses in my garden, watching the waves lap the shore…such simple everyday occurrences that remind that I have to live each day for both me and Peter. That means taking the time to be kind to myse!f and taking the time to notice those things that I have just mentioned.
I lost my husband just over two years it still hurts and when my mums husband had a suspected heart attack it my own feelings came flooding back seeing my husband on a slab in the hospital aged only 53 life will never ever be the same I cry most days and miss him terrible outside I’m trying to be strong to hide how I really feel.
Noone understands unless you have been in this awful situation.
Jennifer. Your words have helped me immensely. I am married 16 years and my husband is late stage Alzheimer’s. It has been so painful to watch this once loving caring man deteriorate. I feel so alone and empty at times. I am a strong woman and know I WILL get thru this
I lost my husband of 33 years, 7 months ago. He had been fighting stage 4 cancer off and on for 8 years. We still had hope. At first I was just numb and then the real pain started. Some days I think I am getting better and then others, I know I am not. My family and friends have been a God send to me. But they can’t be there every minute and I don’t want them to be there every minute. I have come to realize, I am not lonely, I just miss Ken. Only Ken. I have no desire to fill his place. I am trying to do what you said above and just take the feelings as they come. But it is hard. I had no idea grief was so painful.
How “coincidental.” These are the words and thoughts I was looking for. I just need to let myself be after my husband’s death two month’s ago. Thank you.
Thank You so much for this. My husband of 35 yrs. passed away, no warning of a heart attack just 1 month after our 35th Anniversary & 1 month after his 60th birthday. I had found him across the bed in our room & called 911 was starting cpr when the parmedics came in. The last word my David said to me was Thank You, I had brought him an asprin. My heart is broken! I’m trying to help his 35yr. old son & myself accept & cope but, its hard. I miss him so. Thank you so much for your story, maybe it can help me heal a little. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
i lost my husband 6mos ago he was a lt in the sheriff dept and special forces for 30yrs he was my soulmate friend lover everything to me i cry everynite i loved him very much i’m all alone now nofamily i feel like shutting down to be with him prayer for me god bless and thank you
my 100% ADisabled veteran husband lost his 3 year battle to Lou Gehrig’s disease and you know my whole life seems to have stopped my grief seems unbearable as I also lost my identical twin sister in July and yesterday my aunt that was like a second mother to me passed away I don’t know how much the human heart can take but I lost Bill my husband of 57 years love of my life gone forever on June 9 and I feel so helpless so grieved so lost. He suffered unmercifully – i was his caregiver and wife and the love of his life.
My husband of 50 years just passed away 5 weeks ago. I try to go on, but have crying times and I get so mad at myself for crying in front of people. Our eleven children take turns visiting and helping me, but the nighttime dreams confuse me. Is he really gone? Will he come home soon? How long does this go on?
Jennifer -i just lost my awesome husband on 10/31/22. I am devastated and cannot believe he is really gone. He was only 58. He was in great shape no medical issues ever. We were married for 32 years together for 42 years. The coroner told me he had a massive heart attack and had the widow maker!!!! I said no way-you have the wrong guy…well it was him. He was in California at the time and i was in Florida. Your words have helped me for today 1/17/23. I am just so sad, depressed, angry and feel like I could jump out of my skin. I hate my life without him. We had no children. Thank God I have a little maltese and she brings me joy. He was and is the love of my life. I dont know how to go on. I hate trying to go to sleep, I hate waking up, I hate driving to work (as we drove together and worked at the same company). Please pray for me.
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Julie
Jennifer, how have you been since you wrote this over 10 years ago now.? I just lost my 53 y.o. husband 3 weeks ago at the time of this comment. I’m devastated. I hope you’re doing well. So sorry for your loss.
my wife just passed away two months ago from cancer. Iam having a hard time dealing with the loss. we had no children. Iam all by myseelf. I just sit and think of her and cry all the time.I miss her so much. I cant even think of cleaning out her closets it herts so much to do so.We were married for 53 years. time does not heip with the pain. I just sit and think of her and cry. Wnen will it get any better?