How Long Should Grief Last?
I was shocked one day when a friend of mine told me his employer spoke harshly to him after he returned from the three-day bereavement leave his company had given him when his father died after a long battle with cancer.
He was understandably sad and a little distracted when his employer said: “Your bereavement leave is done. Now get over it and get back to work.” People, especially those who have not experienced the death of a loved one, can have unrealistic expectations based on their lack of experience or empathy. In these cases, although hurtful, you must consider the source and know that your timeline is not contingent on anyone else.
After Jacques, my first husband, died, it took about nine months before I could truly connect with anyone else. I did go back to work, but I didn’t want to be close or share too much with others. After Ron, my second husband, died, my recovery was somewhat quicker. My son moved in with me after four months, and not being alone made a huge difference.
People say it will take a month, a year, or even five years to get over the passing of a loved one. Other people say that grief takes as long as it takes, and to those newly grieving or those experiencing their first transition of a loved one, such uncertain advice can be horrifying, leaving them thinking that the immense pain they are feeling right now may never end.
I encourage people by saying that each day they will feel a little better than the day before, and at their own speed, they will evolve into someone who no longer misses but fondly remembers their loved one. I say you never get over it, but you do learn to go forward with your life, and you always keep a place in your heart for your loved one that remains precious eternally.
Moving Through Grieving
How long it takes you to move through grieving can be influenced by many factors such as:
1. If the death of a loved one is the first you have experienced.
2. If the death was sudden.
3. If the death was by suicide.
4. If the death was caused by violence.
5. If you have known others who have died from the same cause.
6. If the death was a child.
7. If the death was the result of an illness.
8. If the death was long and drawn out.
9. If the death was preventable.
10. If you were there when it happened.
Any one of these situations can influence how long or how difficult your grief may remain. Each one has its own unique circumstances that affect us differently and add stress, concern, and even guilt to the grieving process.
Other factors affecting how long you actively grieve are:
1. Your religious beliefs.
2. Previous losses you have experienced.
3. Difficulty accepting loss.
4. How you are related to the one who died.
5. Cultural beliefs.
6. Dealing with issues like depression.
7. Your support system.
8. How well you take care of yourself and your health.
9. How you feel about the afterlife
10. How you process emotions.
When you experience a combination of these factors, your grieving process may become more challenging. Added conditions can slow the process down or intensify it greatly. Either way, being aware of all the conditions around your loss can help you see the many layers and complexities it entails. Therefore, overcoming it takes time and self-care.
Excerpted from The Grief and Happiness Handbook by Emily Threatt.
Read more from Emily at Grief is Healthy – Open to Hope