How to Deal with Guilt while Grieving
If you are feeling guilt after the death of a loved one, you might try to play a small trick on your mind.
Imagine that your loved one is going to visit you for 20 seconds. You will get to ask one simple question: “What do you have to say to me about the guilt that I’ve been carrying since your death?”
Now, please imagine your loved one standing in front of you answering this question. Listen.
What words do you hear?
Write Their Response
Next, take out a pen and paper and write the words that you heard. Understand that this is a gift that your loved one has given you. Accept the gift. If it is positive, embrace it. If, however, the message that you received was negative (for example, “You should feel guilty”), your best response might be, “I will not let you control me after death.” Therefore, this experience can work for you either way.
An example of a negative message occurred with 21-year-old Tina whose father died when she was 18. He had always wanted her to attend college and become a teacher. However, Tina had no interest in going to college and was happy with her job as a grocery cashier. Whenever she heard any reference to college or to teaching, she experienced feelings of anxiety, knowing that she was defying her father’s wishes.
When she imagined her father speaking to her, his words were, “Why aren’t you following my last wish, Tina?”
Tina was able to reply, “Dad, I know you meant well. But this is my life, and I am living it the way I want. I know that, wherever you are, that’s what you would really want for me.”
Positive Message from Beyond
An example of a positive message occurred when a 31-year-old man, Toby, worked on the guilt he felt for not visiting his ill grandmother in the nursing home during the last year of her terminal illness.
When he imagined her in front of him, the words he heard were, “Toby, I know that you love me and not visiting me at that time in my life is completely understandable. Remember, Grandma has always loved you. Now, do what Grandma says and stop punishing yourself.”
The morning after hearing his grandmother’s words, Toby reported that he awakened and felt “somehow lighter, not knowing why,” until he remembered his experience the previous day. He stated, “It’s only been a few days now but I know this great feeling has to be related to the lifting of the incredible guilt I’d been carrying for over a year!”
Excerpted from Understanding Guilt During Bereavement: Bob Baugher, Ph.D., Kris Baugher: 9780963597519: Amazon.com: Books.
Learn more about Bob Baugher at www.bobbaugher.com.
Read more from Bob on Open to Hope: Feeling Guilty after a Suicide – Open to Hope
