Rabbi Harold Kushner, the author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People, wrote about his response to personal tragedy. His son, Aaron, experienced a premature aging disorder (progeria), and eventually died from this syndrome.

The pain from the rabbi’s loss activated a crisis of faith. Kushner wrote his book for those “who have been hurt by life,” to assist them in finding a faith that provides reasonable answers to aid them in coping with their suffering. In his book, Kushner explores the random nature of life and how certain simplistic religious explanations for grief and loss left him feeling empty.

Recently, I made a trip to visit a close friend who has terminal cancer. This was no easy task. I knew that it would be our last visit. I struggled over the issue of what things I wanted to explore to make sure that the time we spent together was meaningful for both of us. I was apprehensive about saying the right things, but as I drove to her house I kept reminding myself to “let things unfold instinctively.” As it turned out, it was a wonderful time of closure and healing for both of us.

All of us are confronted with times of suffering from grief and loss. It is an inevitable part of the human condition. We are abused by a partner, we lose a job, we are betrayed by bandits who rob our homes, we experience the death of loved ones and we struggle with serious illness. No reasons adequately explain our hurt and disappointment. We are left with our pain.

Often, family and friends make honest attempts to respond to our trauma, but they may unknowingly make matters worse through insensitive comments. Occasionally, in the name of God, they may make comments that leave us feeling annoyed and misunderstood – the very thing we do not need. Here are some typically unhelpful comments that I am referring to:

1. God will never ask more of us than we can endure.
2. Try not to think about it.
3. God is trying to teach you a lesson.
4. Don’t let it get you down.
5. Everything that happens in life is for a reason.
6. God has singled you out because he recognizes your strength.
7. Getting upset about it doesn’t do any good.
8. If you are not healing from your grief, you lack faith in God.
9. Just remember, other people may have it worse than you.

Trying to figure out why misfortune happens to us is often unhelpful. Some things appear to happen for no reason. As Kushner indicates, although there is ample evidence of God’s handiwork among us, people are unable to accept random acts that occur within our experience. This leaves us feeling deprived of structure and security. I believe it’s not our searching for the reason for grief and loss that’s important, it is our reaction to it. This is where our faith becomes important. When loved ones are struggling with grief and loss, here are some ways to respond appropriately:

1. Tell me how you feel about what happened?
2. That must feel awful.
3. It’s not your fault that this happened.
4. Tell me how I can help you?
5. Would you like to talk more about it?
6. I am sorry that happened to you.
7. I’ll keep in touch more often.
8. I’ll pray for you and your family.
9. I’ll be there for you.

We need to learn to be more sensitive to those who are suffering. At times, we may avoid those who have experienced a loss because we are afraid of saying the wrong things. Confront your fear of connecting with those who suffer from grief. Your attitude and compassion is more important than the words that are spoken. As a partner or friend, our role is not to fix matters, but to learn to become a good listener. We must listen without trying to provide reasons and explanations that are not helpful.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC, CCBT  2011