How can a person who doesn’t remember their own son or daughter, keeps their purse in the freezer and thinks that trees are talking to them act completely normal in front of a stranger?
It’s called social convention abilities, or social response abilities, which means your loved one who you know has dementia/Alzheimer’s, can get their act ”together” in front of the doctor or some other person and talk or act fine.
It can seem as if you’ve been tricked.
Social convention means that all those years we’ve walked past someone and said, “Hello, how are you? I’m fine” are now hard-wired in our brains.
We answer without thinking. We sit up straighter when someone we don’t know enters the room, we act polite when we’re talking to a stranger, or wave when waved to, smile, even laugh at the appropriate pause in the story.
Professional care providers and those who work in the mental health field know about this, but I haven’t heard it discussed among caregivers –- and this is important to know.
A person can access this ability when they’re in a new setting or with new people (stimulation) and they can act perfectly fine when just a few minutes ago they were having a conversation with a Dwight D. Eisenhower!
This can be so frustrating.
You were worried, got them dressed, killed yourself to get to the appointment on time –- and now they’re chatting it up with the nurse.
The behavior you’ve observed at home is the “real deal.”
This doesn’t mean your loved one doesn’t have dementia/Alzheimer’s. It doesn’t mean they don’t need meds or assistance.
You’re not crazy, but it can feel like you are.
I hated when my mom did this –- I felt like such an idiot for traipsing to the doctor yet again for my mother to say no, her knee didn’t hurt, no, she wasn’t having headaches. Then, they’d all look at me as if I were making the whole thing up!
Memory and recognition will vacillate.
Your loved one will remember who you are, and then forget. They will remember their spouse has passed, and then insist you take them to see them.
Caregivers are the bridge between their loved one and the medical world. Sometimes they’re ignored. Other times, they take over too much. It seems like you can’t get it right. No matter what you do, it’s too much or not enough.
Some physicians know about social convention abilities and understand it’s a normal human response to stimulus. But many doctors don’t know about this. Don’t think your doctor is well-informed about the nuances of Alzheimer’s. Unless they’re a specialist in this field, they probably don’t.
People can cover up how bad a situation is—and we’re all too willing to believe it because we need things to stay the same. We need our loved ones to be okay—but sometimes, they’re not.
— Carol O’Dell
Tags: anger, grief, hope
