My son Dylan was died on May 21, 2007. He was hit by a 4?4 truck driven by a so-called friend the night before. I can not actually believe that he is really gone. I still think he will come walking through the door at some point. The past 2 weeks, I am starting to come out of the fog that hit once he died. I am now realizing the fog was the easy part?.now that it is fading reality is setting in. A reality I am not sure I can handle. Everyone says how strong I am, but on the inside I am basically dead too. The happy, proud mother I was disappeared when Dylan died. I wake up to cry and a fall asleep crying, breathing hurts.
Mandi
Tags: grief, hope
Dear Mandi,
My heart goes out to you…I wish there were magic words to take away your pain, but I know first hand there are none. I can tell you that one day you will not cry every day…that one day you will hear yourself laugh again. I know right now you hurt so bad mentally that you feel it physically and you never knew you could hurt so bad and survive, but you do. It takes a long time and everyone has their own pace.
I will tell you something to prove no matter the situation (because each loss is just as tragic no matter the cause). My son Matthew was 14 when he was accidently shot by my other son. They could not save him. In reality I lost both sons that day…the past 10 years has been a living hell for us…we are just now seeing signs that my surviving son will make it. He has punished himself for all these years. Today is Matthew’s 25th birthday and I have to admit it hurts like hell. So I can tell you that….yes…you will survive and you will actually live again..differently than before. But the birthday and anniversary of your loss are hard..no matter how long.
One last thing…where I work there are 5 of us that have lost children …different ages…but all sudden and tragic…all in the past 10 years and one this year…we are surviving…you just keep putting one foot in front of the other every day and you will survive.
Lean on God…it’s okay if you are angry with him right now…he understands…he is the only reason I still sane and here today even though I was pretty mad at him for awhile. I hope what I have said has been helpful, I pray nothing I have said has upset you.
Remembering our sons,
Linda
Dear mandi, breathing does hurt! I am so sorry you are here. Linda wrote lots of good things I can’t add to it really. my daughter died may 23, 2006 and although breathing doesn’t hurt anymore, it still makes no sense. I’ve heard it will someday. Just keep your mind open and drink in the archived radio shows here… and please at some point try a group to meet other parents (they say) at least 3 times.
peace Jamie
Mandi,
The pain is still so fresh for you. I would love to provide you with all the special words and thoughts that would enable you to think clearly again. If there was a miraculous cure for the pain that one experiences when their child dies, I would produce it and give it away to stop this heart wrenching pain.
As Linda wrote, you will survive….at this point in time, it is all simply so devastatingly unbeleivable that your heart won’t let you see too far ahead right now.
Our son Andrew, died of head injuries sustained in an auto accident on July 16th, 2005. I have lived trough days when I honestly thought that I would not survive. I’ve watched my daughters learning to live without their only brother and I’ve witnessed my husband simply withdraw. I created a website for Andrew and it has been therapeutic for me. I still cry…birthdays and the anniversary of his death are difficult and serve as a painful reminder that another day has passed without watching him smile, or having him hug me with one of his bear hugs…but most of all, it has become a reality that the void will always be here. I will not allow myself to forget Andrew and I talk about him and actully smile and laugh now. For so long, the mention of his name threw me into an emotional state that lasted for days.
Please take care of yourself and feel free to email me. Oh, and please visit Andrew’s site. I’m not a computer guru but I’ve done the best I could. It’s just a tribute to my boy.
htt://andrew-collins.last-memories.com
Debi
Mandi,
My heart aches for you and your family. May is so soon. Please be gentle with yourself. I found that I had to become protective of my energy since I had so little of it at times. Being a mother, I had been accustomed to always doing for others. But during this process, I had to give myself permission to be a little selfish.
I also had to give myself permission to feel what I felt at the time. It takes too much of that precious energy to fight our own emotions.
Find someone with whom you can talk and share.
The deep pain will get better. It has been two years for us. You do not have to walk this road alone. We are here for you.
Debi and Jami,
Each of you will be in my thoughts and prayers also. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious children. I am going to visit Andrew’s site.
Linda,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. I am sorry for the loss of your dear Matthew. It encourages me to hear from someone further down the road. You had great words of wisdom for us. It has been two years since Clint died.
Hugs,
Debra Reagan
http://www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com
Thanks Debra, I visited Clint?s page! What a great guy! I still hesitate to do a page for Leah because I think it won?t do her justice. Although from a scan of yours I see you have put out a? it?s a sketch, a hint of this person, your baby. In no way did you define Clint, you gave the reader something to ?run with.? I believe I can do the same for Leah? one day. Well Clint?s life is the most important but the way you spoke about his death & its circumstances are important to me and helped me with Leah?s. (I also heard you last mom?s day on the radio show.) Thank you and your ?call-in pals? so much.
Jamie
PS: After finding out that I’d dropped the “e” on Jamie as a hip, confident 10 year old and didn’t reinstate it until I was a soul searching 31 yr old, Leah always wrote my name “Jami” – just the way you wrote it!
Jamie,
You are so sweet. Your thoughtful words warm my heart. For me, it is this mother-to-mother connection that offers so much understanding and help. Leah had to be a wonderful person with a mother such as you. I will be looking forward to her site.
That is strange about the spelling of your name. After reading your post, it give me chills. I had not even noticed the “mistake” in the spelling. I believe our children find many ways to connect to us. We just have to be open to them.
Hugs,
Debra
To All…my heart goes out to you in the loss of your precious children….my middle son was killed in a tractor accident in February, 2005…the pain of not having him here with us on earth is so unbearable…but I have to bear it. My heart feels as though there is a huge, gaping hole that will never heal….sometimes I can’t take a breath…surely this will get less painful as time passes, though I know it will never go away. Thanks for listening and I send caring thoughts to you all.
Anne
Anne,
I am so sorry about the death of your precious son. What is his name? Please share more about him with us.
Hugs,
Debra
Dear Mandi — I understand how you feel when you say so-called friend. My son was killed two years ago in a four wheeler accident. The last place he was seen alive was sitting behind his friend on his friend’s fourwheeler. They crashed about a mile later and the so-called friend claims my son was driving. He has never told us anything about the accident. Anything we learned was from police reports and other people. His betrayal of our son has been so painful. Two years and three months later, we are still waiting to hear something from him. He was supposed to be our son’s best friend. I’m so sorry for your loss. The pain is unbearable but eases in time. You never stop missing your child and the melancholy never seems to go away. But I have hope that our family will be happy again someday.
Mary
My son Joshua died July 20, 2007. He was only 10. He jumped into a little spillway the neighbor kids usually play in but the water was too high and fast that day. He apparently hit his head and lost consciousness quickly and drowned. He would have been 11 tomorrow. How can he be gone? It is still unbelievable some days. I still secretly hope to wake up and find it was a horrible dream. I know the thoughts that keep swirling around in your head. You are only a few months ahead of me in this horrible nightmare. Nothing is harder then losing a child. I still cry everyday. I miss him all the time. I beleive he is in heaven but I still want him back. I hope to see him again in eternity.
Sal
my son lee was murdered,he died 22nd april 2007 of head injuries he was 25 years old.my life will never be the same again and i still stuggle to get through each day.i try to convince myself he is just on holiday and will be back soon.perhaps denial is a damaging emotion but how do you cope with the loss of one of your children especially in such a horific manner.
I am so very sorry to hear about your son Lee. It has only been a little over a year be patient with yourself. A year is a very short time to deal with the death of a child. Actually, denial is not a bad thing. As we can handle more of our loss it begins to sink in. This takes time and denial is a way of taking a break. The fact that you are asking a question about denial means that you are beginning to come to terms with the fact that Lee is gone and will not be coming home again. The second year is difficult as our denial gets less and less and some depression can set in. Continue to reach out, eat good things, walk, and practice taking deep breaths. You will get through this as I did. Grief is work. Dr. Gloria