Making Loss Meaningful

The death of a loved one is a traumatic and emotionally painful experience. The following suggestions are made to hopefully alleviate some of that pain, to turn a painful experience into a healing experience, and to make the experience meaningful.

• Allow yourself to be fully present with your emotions and sensations. Even though grief can feel terrible and overwhelming, it is a normal reaction to death, and a healthy part of the healing process. Allow the tears to flow when you feel like crying. During grief, we sometimes experience our loved one through our senses. This can be in the form of hearing our loved ones’ voice, or smelling our loved ones’ scent. Allow yourself to take it all in and be fully present in those moments. It may be helpful to be keep in mind that that pain will be there, and to simply allow yourself the time and space to experience it.

Getting Help From Others

• Express your feelings. This can be done by journaling your thoughts and feelings about your loved one. Reaching out to a trusted friend and connecting on an emotional level may also be very helpful. Talking to another person who is also grieving can help in share in the experience and help you to feel less alone. Seek professional help from a mental health professional. This can be a valuable opportunity to process your thoughts and feelings in an emotionally safe environment.
• Keep in mind that it is natural to experience an increase in grief and emotional pain during holidays, important dates, and anniversaries. You may have been feeling better and making progress in your grief path, only to experience a heightened sense of loss during these times. Do not let this alarm you and make you feel that you are regressing, that something is “wrong” with you, or that you are not grieving “properly.” This is a natural reaction and part of the grief process.

Nourishing Yourself

• Take time out to nourish your soul. Do whatever brings you a sense of peace and you have found in the past to enhance your mental health. This could be taking time out to exercise, enjoy a craft, read, spend time in nature, or meditate. Sometimes when we are busy or stressed, we believe that we do not have time to do what nourishes our souls when we need it the most. Don’t just “find” the time. Create the time.
• Take on a favorite characteristic or action of your loved one. Did your loved one tell jokes or stories during gatherings? Cook or bake? Lead a prayer or recite a poem? You may find comfort in carrying on a favorite aspect of your loved one. If you decide to do so at a gathering, you may also wish to practice this before the actual event.
• You may find comfort in a physical object. This may be a card or gift from your loved one, a souvenir from a place you visited together, or an item that represents an experience you shared. This may also be in the form of a meaningful bereavement gift, such as a blanket that can comfort you, or a special bracelet to wear on your wrist.

Forgiving Others

• Although this may be a time when you expect others to support and comfort you, you may find yourself in a position of needing to forgive others. This may include forgiving others for the disappointment you feel that they have not been there for you in a way that you hoped for. Try not to assign meaning to this, such as having it mean how much you think that person cares about you. Death brings up our strongest vulnerabilities and fears, and not everyone will be capable of dealing with your loss and their own feelings about it. In addition, people may have their own wounds related to grief that prevent them from being there for you in a way that you would like. Forgive, try not to take it personally, and spend time with someone who does provide comfort.
• Allow yourself to experience joy. Remembering your loved one does not mean sacrificing joy when it comes naturally. Allow yourself to laugh. It is not a betrayal to your loved one to experience happiness and joy.

Remember that your experiences, emotions, and reactions are flowing and changing, just as life is flowing and changing. What might feel right to do this year may be different next year. You can make a mental note of what felt good and what did not feel good based on your individual needs, and this is likely to change year to year.

Choosing the Right Activities for You

Pick and choose which of these suggestions resonate with you. The grieving process is intensely personal, and there are as many ways to grieve as there are people. The pain you experience is in proportion to the love between you and your loved one. The difference is that the pain will diminish over time, yet the love will forever endure.

Read more from Dr. DeLong on Open to Hope: https://www.opentohope.com/75654-2/

Check of Dr. DeLong’s book, FEELING Good: 35 Proven Ways to Happiness, Even During Tough Times