Losing a child is like falling into a fathomless pit, a deep well of sorrow that leaves an enormous void in the center of life. One moment, you are on top of the world, an instant later you are plummeting into the deepest depths of despair. Tumbling like a stone into utter desolation. Where sorrow pours out in a cascade of memories and mixes with the deluge of tears. The pressures are immense, and the solitude is unbearable.
Since my son Brandon’s death in August of 2009, I have been struggling to pull myself out of this dreadful hollow. But, my emotions are so frayed that I can’t seem to get a grip. Sometimes, I can cling to the poignant moments. But then, the gaps in time send me reeling. My heart plummets, and I fall deeper into the depression.
On the surface, those who are closest can sense the enormity of my sorrow. But, they can not reach me. That’s because there is no bottom to the anguish or limits to the pain.
It seems the further I get from that horrific day, the more detached I become. I have few ties to this world, and my faith is in tatters. As time rushes by, I can not discern life’s direction. And the more I struggle to gain perspective, the more difficult it is to grasp.
It is all so far beyond me. And, still I make this stretch:
In the desolate barrens of grief, hope still blooms among the emotional crags and withered expectations. It is rooted in faith, and thrives amidst the yearnings and inpatients. Although it looms beyond my grasp, it reaches into the heavens, stemming from the assurance of death, and unfolding through the promise of incarnation.
John French 2011
Tags: anger, Depression, guilt, signs and connections
Hi John, I have read a couple of your writings and found they are very helpful to me. I have also lost a son, Dougie, he died in 2004 in a drowning accident. I also lost my daughter,Rebekah, in 1999 from a brain tumor. The depths of the darkness and pain has seemed endless on most days. However, some days, and as more time goes by, many more days, I feel positive. Positive I was blessed to have them, hold them and care for them. Positive I was blessed to have them love me. Positive that all they went through and all I continue to go through is a life enriching experience. As much as I dont like who’ve I’ve become in some ways I am positive I’ve become a better and wiser person. No days are pain free but there is ALWAYS hope for a better tomorrow.
Hi John, I read your article with tears in my eyes. I understand your pain so well, though my situation is slightly different. The child we lost in September was my 10 month old grandson. I struggle daily to cope with his loss, not only for myself, but for my daughter and her family. We try to move forward, but as Lynn stated, no days are pain free. There is a deep ache in our hearts for the little boy we held for just a short time. At our grandson’s funeral my grief stricken daugher and her husband, stood together and eulogized their son and said despite their loss, it is still a beautiful world and life will go on. We find comfort in our memories of Jacob. Though his life was short, we were blessed to have him in our lives. We continue to find ways to include him in everything that we do The announcement that my daughter was expecting another baby, was delivered by Jacob, through pictures and movies. As you said in your article “in the desolate barrens of grief, hope still blooms”.
hello.as i am reading my breath is taking away by the name of your son for one thing as my son who was taken from me in august 2008 at age 22 is also brandon. he was murdered. almost every statement you made so clearly spelled out every emotion that i feel..every day..i realize that i am not alone in this journey..many parents who deeply love their children feel this..when they are no longer here for us to hold..to touch..to talk to..to smother with kisses…i am selfish i suppose in the fact that i dont know how to help anyone else in this pain..my sons who lost a brother..my grandsons who lost their father..because i cant even help myself…i am broken inside..broken forever..never again will i ever be that happy mom.that happy girl..no matter what i do to keep myself occupied with remembrances..brandons birthday celebrations. his anniversary dates..i still find myself falling…….i am helplessly helpless….and no one can help me…thank you for allowing me to express this…
I kinow exactly how you feel.
John, I too lost my son suddenly to an undiagnosed heart condition. I have been living in a deep hole since 5/10/10 when the phone rang and I knew before the words were said. I still feel that sensation of falling off a cliff and never reaching the bottom. No one knows because I hide it well but I am lost and don’t know who I am any more. My life today is defined by that moment and although on the outside I look like the same person and everyone wants me to be that person I am completely changed. I think the only people that can understand are others like me who know the pain that only comes with the loss of a child. Thanks for giving me a place to say this as it is hard to tell your surviving loved ones these things.
Cheryl Beland 5/28/10
I also lost my 23 yr old son, Michael suddenly in a car accident last year>>> I appreciate you putting to words how I too have been feeling. My greatest source of comfort has been my faith, a must read is John MaDuff’s “Rainbow in the Clouds” a beautiful portrayal of the Fathers heart, may we all find peace and keep the hope in seeing our loved ones again…
Our twenty year old grandson died five weeks ago, the victim of an erratic driver. Of course we are filled with grief, but I feel especially sad for his sibling, cousins and friends. They are so young and have so many years ahead of them to feel this pain. When I feel anger or bitterness, I force myself to think, “What would my grandson have done” he was a gentle and kind soul, it helps to keep me from falling apart.
Thank you Annie, I will check out “Rainbow in the Clouds”