I was really good at living with intention before my husband died. I was good about doing things with good reason and being thoughtful, even purposeful, about what I did and how I did it. I had the luxury of more time to think through my decisions and even more important I think, I had someone to share those decisions, reasons, and purpose with. I think for me, it felt more intentional with a witness near.
Since widowhood began, I have been through many phases, stages, whatever we might call them. One of the stages I have the most difficulty with is getting back to living with intention and purpose. The widow in me thinks…what’s the point of being purposeful when the rug can just be pulled out from underneath me? The me in me thinks…how can I live a joyful, loving life without purpose and intention?
In my previous life, I counted on spiritual guidance. I tried to live with an informed conscience and really take the gospel to heart. I felt more at peace with myself and my choices. I felt like I was spiritually grounded and intentional in my actions and how I lived my life.
This intention and purpose was present in my parenting. I really thought about how and what I did affected my older boy (the younger one wasn’t here yet). I worked hard at being a thoughtful parent. I had a partner who appreciated this and most times followed suit. As a sole parent, my intentions lead to my perceived failures and guilt.
Intentional parenting and living have fallen away leaving me only with reactionary living…and for me this is not a peaceful place. I am no longer proactive, thoughtful or intentional…and I miss being that way.
So, the struggle becomes how to balance the lack of control that I know there is in life with the hope to live with intention. Intention takes planning and planning makes me a little sick to my stomach now. The “what ifs” and fear of loss creep in and overwhelm me. Instead, I have settled for routines that are guided by busyness and reactions that are guided by frustration. I have lowered my expectations. I hate that.
My spiritual center was rocked to its core when my husband died. I still haven’t recovered. My life that I lived as a prayer and with intention was betrayed when God didn’t provide a cure that would have kept life as I wanted it. I felt abandoned on so many levels. I was abandoned by my husband when he died. I was abandoned by my God who neglected to cure my husband and let him stay on earth with me. I was also abandoned by others I loved and depended on as they tried to cope with my loss.
So, I abandoned my life with intention and purpose. What was the point really? I worked so hard to serve God, my family and others only to be left alone. Six years later, I am still struggling with all of this. My family is suffering because I can’t commit to them fully or to myself fully. I can’t commit because of the pain that came when I was or am an intentional, purposeful and a full participant in my own life.
In this world of widow, it seems like every step forward is met with two steps backward. It feels most days like any progress made leaves me to face yet another challenge…and let’s face it I’m exhausted…physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Most days, if I don’t have the routine I become overwhelmed and frustrated easily. Some days, I take small steps toward being intentional again.
My hope?
My hope is that somehow, I can recapture a new way to live with intention and purpose. My hope is that I can be proactive, not reactive. My hope is that this struggle, feeling abandoned and exhausted will ease with each step I take toward living purposefully. I can remember feeling peace. I can remember feeling blessed. I can remember being a thoughtful parent. I know that I will never be what I was, but I hope that I can take the pieces of me that were important and morph them somehow into this life as a sole parent, single woman and a now somewhat reluctant servant of God.
Baby steps, day by day and even minute to minute, we become who we are to be. Sometimes our paths are changed and we don’t have a map anymore. That’s where I have been living for over six years now. It’s my turn to put myself back into the journey. It’s my turn to choose a route. It’s only me who can abandon my fear and loneliness and choose to engage again in a purposeful existence.
As much as I wish someone could do this for me, it is only my job. It is my job to find my way back onto the path with intention and purpose. Hopefully along the way, I will rediscover parts of me I have missed dearly.
Christine Thiele 2011
Tags: anger, belongings, funerals, money, Depression, guilt, signs and connections
True, I can’t pretend to understand your pain but I read something yesterday and i think now I may have been led to do so for you _ for today: please check the link below.
https://www.franciscanmedia.org/soul-sisters-a-story-of-joy-and-sorrow/
vidala – thank you for the link. that is a beautiful story of faith and balance. thank you for sharing it with me. Christine
Thank you for your story just like you
new what I was thinking.
Dear Christine, what you wrote about is so true for me right now. My dear husband passed away Aug. 2010. I fell like I am puching a time clock, putting in my time and stuffing another day under my belt. Will I ever look forward to something?, or must I keep finding things to keep me busy, with absolutely no purpose other than to fill time. I feel like I should be thankful for my time on this Earth, but i don’t. thanks for your post
Liz-Thank you so much for reading. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself and be patient with your process. blessings, Chris Thiele
thanks Chris, wasn’t sure you would see my post, since your article was written awhile ago. It just sruck such a cord for me because that is what I am searching for–meaning, real meaning–I guess something else that comes with this territory, is figuring out who I am, and where do I “fit” in–there’s much work for me to do and I know it will take time. I tend to be a big thinker, always was, and sometimes living in your head is a lonely and scary place to be. I am working on moving forward, if someone had used that concept of “move foward” months ago, I would have been hurt and not able to understand that concept. I do get it now , so I know that is a step in the right direction. take care liz green
Hello Christine.
Here I am, 8 years after you published this article, in the same frame of mind to which you referred. Living with purpose, or the lack thereof, became very apparent to me in the first few weeks after my husbands death four years ago. And though the acute grief period has passed, I am still searching for that purpose and direction in my life. I have tried to explain this to family and friends, but no one seems to get this. I am a Christian woman, and I pray constantly for that direction. I’ve never felt abandoned by God; I do believe He will answer me on His time schedule, not mine. I try to remain patient and pray.
I’ve not read another article that articulated so well these feelings. I doubt you’ll see my comment after such a long period, but I felt compelled to write and tell you just the same.
Thank you.
Stephanie
WOW thank you – you spoke directly from my heart – sadly it’s good to know someone understands feels the same and that someone is blessed to able to put it into words so perfectly
I can also relate to this. My husband passed away on November 20th, 2020. It’s been rough. I almost never put on makeup. I used to never leave the house without it and now? What’s the point. I went days and weeks when husband was ill with no makeup. Just a continuation of that. Symbolic of pointlessness of my life I think.